Fallen for my boss

[teacupchance]

My manager helped me with a difficult situation at work and following this I have developed a huge crush on him.

He is attractive, intelligent and we are on the same level. I find myself thinking about him a lot.

I'm married and feel really guilty about my feelings.

Did I develop a crush because he helped me? Is this what falling for someone means?

You'll get over it, we've all been there (well at least I have, both ways). It's just admiration. No need to feel guilty about the odd daydream.

Give it a couple of weeks/months and you'll have forgotten about it, that's my prediction.

Whatever you do, don't tell him. I had a colleague who I was working closely with for a few months, and he always admired my technical knowledge. And out of the blue he tells me he's in love with me. I was in my early 20s, but he was a bit older with young kids, although we were on the same work level (actually, both trainees). I kind of knew even then that it was just him getting confused about intellectual admiration.

I just laughed (must have been quite patronising but I didn't mean to) and said something vague like "ah yes, how interesting" and then carried on talking about the scientific thing we were discussing.

Then several years later I had similar feelings about another colleague (even had sexy dreams about him) and never mentioned it and was over it in a few months.

It happens

It's been a year but I hope it passes too.

Ah sorry to hear it's been so long. Remember, you don't really know him, you only know the work version of him.

What's your dh like? Can you channel some of that romantic energy into your intimacy with him

Yes exactly. He is very polite at work but then again, so am I. Things are different when you're not getting paid and you're married.

Don't they say if a crush lasts longer than a year then it's true love?

Whatever you do don't tell him just secretly enjoy it.

I'd never say. I think it's up to the man anyway. Made that mistake before.

I guess you need to ask yourself why your feeling like this?

Has this happened cos there is something missing in your marriage?
Is this man single?
Does he reciprocate your feelings?

Do you want to stay with your current DH? If so I think it's time to move roles/jobs so you're not seeing/no longer have contact with him anymore.

If "they" say that, they're numpties lol. I've known people have crushes on celebrities they've never met, for longer than that. Most definitely not true love

I second this advice - if it doesn't go away by itself, time for stronger strategies

He flirts with me. Gives me attention a lot.
We are busy at home. I would never do anything with my manager but he knows my weakness.

I don't know his.

This is new info op. He sounds a bit predatory now and abusing the power dynamic for his own ego.

I'd start looking for another job.

Moving jobs often means a payrise etc so it'll be win win for you

I also went through a really bad time when I returned to work after having kids. We couldn't afford childcare. I was also bullied at work and he helped me through everything. I agree he is using me for his own ego. It's happened to me before.

Why do people do this? 😩

When you say he knows your weakness, do you mean you’ve talked to him about your relationship? Do you flirt back with him or is it all from his side?

I flirt back but only because I wanted a job.

you flirted with him to get this job or another job you wanted ? sounds like you are both using each other in this case, might get toxic soon

A promotion

It happens a lot. I have a particularly attractive colleague, most students have a crush on him despite him being old enough to be their Dad. He’s a fair bit older than me too because I’m a younger lecturer, he’s mid 40s and we’re both married. We have a lot of chemistry because we’re intellectually aligned and just attracted to one another I guess.

We ignore it though because we’re married and also professionals and that matters to us more than a stupid crush on a colleague. You just need to ignore it too because it won’t end well if you do anything else.

We do have control over what we chose to think about. When you think about him, make a conscious decision to actively think about something else. Don't indulge the fantasy. And probs best not to flirt with men at work to get promotions.

I would give him a wide berth. He has the power in your working relationship, and it is a working relationship even if there is some flirting. He has assisted you with some difficult situations at work and helped to further your career — it’s his job as your manager. He might have a flirty personality which isn’t always helpful in the workplace, if he is particularly flirty with you then that is unprofessional of him. If you really see a future with him then apply for another job elsewhere and separate the work/romantic dynamics.

You and colleague have talked to each other about fancying each other then?

Good that you’ve both decided not to pursue things though if you’re both married.

I wasn't intending to do anything. I just havent felt pulled before. I think it is the intellectuality of it. And the power dynamics.

Is everything going well with DH? Could it just be the attention that you enjoy from your boss and the excitement.

Do you find yourself still flirting with him now even after your promotion, making the extra effort in how you dress for work etc

Yes to the attention.

And I agree with everything that's said.

Things are fine with DH but he has been a little lazy. Since I've withdrawn a little bit he's become much more attentive and wants to please again.

OP If it is becoming dangerous then think of getting another job because the alternative is awful... all the fallout etc..