DH doesn't love me any more

[Olivepink]

Feeling really heartbroken about this. I met DH in my twenties, we've been together for 22 years.

We were so in love at the beginning, although looking back we both had our issues from dysfunctional childhoods. Things started to go wrong between us when we had dc - we have two dc, both with SN. I was a SAHM (I'm now working), and didn't sleep properly for about 7 years as dc did not sleep through the night. DH found his job extremely stressful and was depressed and anxious. I also had periods of anxiety and depression. I needed support and help from him which he couldn't give, and I think it was the same for him.

Then came a couple of house moves, family serious illnesses and bereavement, schooling problems with our dc, house renovation, and more work stress.

We were both really struggling at times, and had a cycle where DH would release his stress by getting angry/ cold/ passive aggressive or withdrawn. I would then get very upset and often cry as I really struggle with handling this type of behaviour. I would get angry with DH for being angry with me so it was a vicious cycle. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I was almost hysterical for example when DH did not speak to me for 5 days over Christmas and wouldn't tell me why. I have ADHD and feel things intensely, so I don't know if this is part of the problem.

I noticed DH's behaviour towards me change around two years ago. Although our relationship was up and down, we were always affectionate and loving when we were getting on. However this stopped. He was going through a mental breakdown at the time so I attributed it to that.

The last couple of months he has got a lot better mental health wise. He's left his job which was a big cause of the stress. However he has now told me that he doesn't love me any more. He apparently loves me like a friend, but any romantic feelings he had for me stopped a few years ago. As I said we have gone through some very difficult times and when he used to be angry/ cold/ passive aggressive with me for days, I said to him on around 4 occasions over a couple of years that I wanted to split up with him. Apparently he's never got over this as it hurt him deeply. I have explained to him that I just couldn't handle his depression and his behaviour, I couldn't see any other way out, it wasn't that I hadn't loved him.

Also he used to say "I love you" to me every night, even if he had been angry or we had some kind of unresolved issue. If things weren't right between us, I used to say that I didn't feel like saying "I love you", I wanted to resolve things between us first - it wasn't that I didn't love him, it was just that if one or both of us was pissed off about something, to suddenly say "I love you" without resolution seemed a bit incongruous to me.

That is another reason why he now does not love me. I am feeling so heartbroken and guilty. I have apologised profusely and explained why I behaved like this - I know I was not perfect. I think we were both really struggling over the years and needed support from the other one that the other one couldn't give. He has apologised for all his anger over the years.

We have both been to counselling, worked on ourselves and both in a much better place now. We have been having open honest conversations for the first time in years. I'm just sad and heartbroken that he doesn't love me as a wife any more. There's no affection or intimacy, and he's pretty sure that these feelings won't come back. He wants to stay together for the children, but was also saying that in the future who knows what would happen and we both might meet someone else (although he said he would promise that this would not happen until we agreed on this).

I feel guilty about my part in all this. and also I don't know what to do. How can I stay in a marriage like this? My heart is breaking every time I look at him as I love him so much, and I can't bear the thought of leaving him and causing pain and disruption to the dc, but I just don't know if I can live like this.

I note he wants to stay together for the children. (Until what age; till the youngest is 18?. Then what; he then leaves you and at a time when your kids are entering into adulthood). Such a statement does not stand up to scrutiny and he perhaps wants to stay because its "easier" for him to do so, to further enjoy what you provide in terms of lifestyle or even to avoid paying maintenance for his children.

They in all likelihood know that something is amiss re you two. If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. Do not show your DC that a loveless marriage could be their norm too.

You have and continue to carry the vast amount of mental load here. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do you love him or are you confusing this with the state of codependency?. You also have the right to have a both fulfilling and happy marriage and if you're not happy you only need to give your own self permission to leave. Its not up to him to dictate terms of remaining together.

The silent treatment he has given you over the years is really a form of emotional abuse designed to "punish" you for some imaginary transgression you did in his head.

I would seek legal advice re separation and divorce and consider your options from that going forward. You do not need to act on the information given to you straight away but knowledge is power.

He sounds manipulative and wanting to keep his options open

Any normal person would find it extremely stressful and crazy-making to be given the silent treatment (as he did to you) for 5 days, let alone over Christmas. There is likely nothing wrong with you except having a selfish and manipulative husband who is at least a little bit emotionally abusive.

You've posted about him before haven't you? The punishing you for asking for a divorce a few years ago rings a bell.
the relationship is over. You just need to catch up with that fact. It's very sad but you're just prolonging the pain by avoiding it.

It sounds like you have had a really tough time Olivepink. Sending lots of hugs!

It sounds like you have both just drifted apart over time due to a lot of the additional challenges in life that you have both faced. You said that you still love him and that he is happy to stay together for now, even if the relationship is just more friendship based. You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to give the relationship one last go or call it quits? If you still love him then you could both try to make an effort to try to resolve your issues. Little steps daily to improve things between you both - a compliment, a kind act, reminiscing about past memories, a meal together etc. Maybe a date night once a week in the future if he would be willing. If a date night is something that you wanted you could just tell him it is “parent time” or something for now (he might not want to hear the word “date” at the moment). Is there anyone who can have the kids so this can happen? Just because you have drifted apart doesn’t mean that things can’t be resolved in time. If you feel that things between you both are never going to be resolved then it might be best if you separate properly so that you can both have a chance to be happy again. A separation would be extremely hard for both of you at first but it would get easier in time.

Sounds to me he’s lining up another woman.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
"If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. Do not show your DC that a loveless marriage could be their norm too."

I am in a similar position to the OP and I see this advice often on MN. What I struggle with is that if I leave their dad because we have a mediocre and loveless marriage but don't meet anyone else, they're still not being modelled a successful relationship. Realistically, if I left and then waited a reasonable amount of time before dating and then a reasonable amount of time before introducing any partner to the kids etc, then they'll be grown up! So what they might actually be seeing is that I am willing to disrupt an "ok" situation, they cope with divorced parents during their school days, all on the whim of a mum who wants "more".

I am genuinely conflicted about this. I would love to be in a more functional relationship, and would love my kids to have a healthier model, but I'm not sure there's time for that and maybe they'll just have to manage the upheaval but not actually gain a healthy model anyway?

@UpsideDownside

I am genuinely conflicted about this. I would love to be in a more functional relationship, and would love my kids to have a healthier model, but I'm not sure there's time for that and maybe they'll just have to manage the upheaval but not actually gain a healthy model anyway?

There's nothing unhealthy about being single. Else you'd be teaching your children they're worth nothing unless they're in a relationship. That's an idea women are still socialized into but it's not a healthy one.

In OPs case - given this is somebody capable of stonewalling her for five days straight over the holidays - this is clearly a case of good riddance to bad rubbish.

@AttilaTheMeerkat "Do you love him or are you confusing this with the state of codependency?." It's a good question. I actually don't know. I don't know how I can tell. I feel like I love him. We have definitely grown apart a bit though, and have different interests, plans for the future etc. But he was always my "rock" and best friend, I just never thought he would ever fall out of love with me.

Yes, it's definitely easier for my DH for us to stay together. I find it strange that he can just shut off his emotions and doesn't seem to mind at all living with someone (me) who he doesn't have any romantic feelings for, rather just seeing me as a friend. Whereas I'm finding this situation awful, but maybe that's because I've still got feelings for him.

I understand what you mean about modelling relationships for the dc - it is definitely a consideration in all this.

@Serene135 Thank you for your post. You're right, I think DH and I have drifted apart partly due to the challenges we faced outside of our relationship. I would definitely want to give the relationship another go, but I know my husband - once he stops having feelings for someone, I am sure he won't get them back. I saw it happen with his Mum (he gradually lost feelings for her as he thought she was over emotional and gossipy. I couldn't understand how he could be like that, he is quite cold and detached with her, and doesn't seem able to forgive minor things from the past) and a couple of friends who he felt had hurt him.

Your ideas for working on the relationship are all good, but I just don't know if we're too far past that now. I just feel that I would find it too painful to be kept at arms length by him if I tried to organise a date night or something.

Yes, I have to face the possibility of separation but it's just so hard.

@UpsideDownside sorry to hear you're in a similar position. Its awful. I relate to what you say as well about the timescale of everything, and whether the disruption and heartbreak of separation vs a mediocre loveless marriage would be worth it.

I think as @GrumpyPanda has mentioned, leaving the marriage would have to be because being single was better than staying in the marriage. If a functional, loving relationship came along afterwards that's great, but obviously there are no guarantees!

You need to ask him to leave and then maybe only then he may realize what he is losing but he has the best of both worlds now.
Living with someone who you want to be loving and caring but he is none of those now must be absolutely soul breaking and heart breaking and mind fucking.
Get some support for yourself as this seems like emotional abuse and talk to women's aid and see what supports they can offer you moving forward and support for your children long term also as you seem to be doing an awful lot and no harm asking for help.
Do not wait until he finds someone else so he can move from your shared home to another home as that is what he will do as usually men have another place lined up before they will move on.
Find your anger and inner strength and stop blaming yourself as anyone would be deeply frustrated if someone was giving us the silent treatment and ignoring us and you should have asked him then to move out.
You will feel better once you take control of the situation and find your respect for yourself as you can do better. Ask him to move out, work on yourself and co-dependency and also take time out for yourself and your children as you will be feeling very vulnerable and stay single and in time you will enjoy the peace and quiet and less drama and a new independent you.
Do not let him dictate how you all live your lives, if someone told me they were not in love with me anymore they would be gone. He is just staying for convenience. Show him you will not put up with this arrangement and pack his stuff and tell him to go. He will not change now and you deserve to have peace of mind and your self respect back as he is making you feel shit and this atmosphere not good for the children at all. Wishing you well.

I don't know what I would do on this situation either. However, I feel like your post describes realities of a marriage.

I think before, if at least he tries to love you when things are hard, it's some sort of incentive to go on and tackle and go through hard things.

But it's bloody hard living in a loveless marriage. You don't have peace you'd have living on your own but neither companionship living with someone else.

No words of wisdom, just support. For me it's lonelier living with someone when there's no love because you activley get that rejection day in and day out, which hurts even more.

Would gradually trying to live alone feel better? No divorce if it's too hard just trying some time truly on your own?

I would say to him that staying together is dependent on marriage counselling. It sounds like you think there's something there to be worked on (and definitely a lot of emotions to unpack in your post.) Without that, I don't know if the relationship can make you happy.
Is there any chance he's met someone else or is considering doing so?

We've had a few truly awful periods in our long marriage. Worked through some real shit, because we still loved each other and H put in a ton of effort.
But I honestly think the deal breaker for me would be if my H said he didn't love me any more. I couldn't come back from that. I think I'd just go cold.
Even if it's only hanging by a thread sometimes, if the love is still there, I don't think you have to immediately LTB (as long as there's no abuse and there is genuine change.). But once the feelings have gone on one side, what's the point? You only have one life. As long as DC are cared for, why should you settle for rejection and hurt?
He's cruel and arrogant to throw this at you and expect that you'll just suck it up.

Well he sounds horrible and cruel.

Does anything nice ever come out of his mouth ?

I agree with the pp, you have to give ultimatums, he says he doesn't love you, yet wants to stay.

I have a feeling he's taking you for granted and thinks you will always love and forgive him, the thing is this dreadful treatment he's making you endure is actually making you stronger, maybe one day you will be strong enough to not love him, only then will he understand what it feels like to be unloved.

It's difficult because you're unsure of the reasons of his withdrawl of affection at the moment, maybe you will find out there is someone else, but that doesn't mean it will last, many times these stupid selfish husbands have affairs, they fizzle out and then start looking again, hense the not wanting to seperate or divorce.

You have more power than you think, him telling you factually is him trying to scare you and destabalize you into not making any decisions, it's a well established ploy to make you suck up the shit he's serving you and take away your confidence so you meakly don't react.

I would disengage from him, don't do anything for him, no love, no support, he doesn't deserve anything from you.
Get some info regarding financials and try to build your resilliance up.

He's doing a right number on you, he's a despicable piece of shit in my opinion and you deserve better.

Keep posting.

I may be pessimistic but new job and now he's saying the classic line of I love you but like a friend talk. Aka he's probably had his head turned. That's what happened to me anyway..

Hi OP, I've been through something similar and although things DID briefly get better, I decided I simply couldn't trust him after saying he didn't love me (and we should stay together for the kids etc).
If you consider that, how do you feel? Could you ever feel safe and happy with him again? If the answer is no I think you need to make plans to separate.

OP is it love you feel or familiarity?
You’ve been together a long time, made a home , nurtured children . Made it through tough times.
But that shared history isn’t enough to stay together
Your husband has a cruel streak, not many can treat their mother as he does.
Are you afraid of this unyealding trait in his character?
It could be there’s no coming back from this , in his mind , your relationship as husband and wife is finished.
I don’t know the answer but he does sound manipulative and abusive

I'm afraid this was my first thought too, especially given that he also mentioned meeting other people in time. Sounds like he's laying the groundwork.

I think some folks are jumping to the default of ltb and he’s cheating, without reading properly what you’re actually saying.

youve both had a very stressful marriage, two children with special needs, and both suffering signficant mental health issues, anxiety,depression and he had a full on nervous break down as well. You both suffer from stress, understandably, have poor coping and communication skills, with him being angry/pa/silent and you being highly emotional.

i think uour own assessment is right op, these things have taken it’s toll on your relationship , as it would for most, and he has fallen out of love, this doesn’t mean he is cheating. But understandably may now be thinking about how unhappy he is in his current situation and thinking a new relationship may not have that stress.

the thing is you know him well, if he says it’s done for him, it’s done for him,,so for your own sanity I’d try to accept that, grieve for the marriage and then decide what you want to do. Ie split, stay together for kids etc.

I read it perfectly well thanks. I obviously don't know if he's cheating but certain signs pretty much always give the game away.

I have been on MN for a long time and think that, on the whole, it is more in favour of separation and perhaps less tolerant of marriage issues than society in general.

Remember that everyone is seeing things through their own lens and may want to recommend a course of action that supports or mirrors their own.

Realistically, if you’re in your forties you may not find it easy to find a new long term partner. Reading the dating threads is a bit of an eye opener!

I would also think very, very carefully about money. Mumsnet is quite quick to recommend separation, reassuring women that they will get maintenance and UC top ups, but I don’t think it takes enough account of longer term poverty in later life or factors around ill health and loneliness.

No need to rush anything. Could you re-shape your life and live differently while still remaining married? What about further counselling?

OP, So sorry you are struggling. lt sounds as though you have had a very difficult and stressful relationship throughout your marriage, tested by having children with SN needs and by you and your DH both having to deal with mental health issues.
You say you thought you were in a better place now so this bombshell that he doesnt love you any more came as a shock, although you admit there is no affection or intimacy. I would be suspicious that this is the precursor to you discovering he has met someone else.He has already mentioned the possibility of meeting someone new in the future and that to me would ring warning bells. Sorry, but I think you need to do some further digging to see if this could be the case.

Living with someone who you want to be loving and caring but he is none of those now must be absolutely soul breaking and heart breaking and mind fucking.
It my experience it was all of these and made me feel completely worthless. It's a horrible thing to have to live with, it eats away at you. Stbxh did add a sick twist, he 'didn't know if he loved me any more', but expected to go on having a normal marital relationship in every way while he made up his mind.

You don't need to work out what you want straight away, take your time, process your thoughts and feelings, get some counselling. If you want to consider the idea of living seperately under one roof, work out if it's even possible in terms of needing your own space and bedroom. Look at the finances for leaving and staying. Work out if staying is safe you to do mentally and emotionally. You might find the decision is made for you as the situation could become unteniable.