DH doesn't love me any more

[Olivepink]

Feeling really heartbroken about this. I met DH in my twenties, we've been together for 22 years.

We were so in love at the beginning, although looking back we both had our issues from dysfunctional childhoods. Things started to go wrong between us when we had dc - we have two dc, both with SN. I was a SAHM (I'm now working), and didn't sleep properly for about 7 years as dc did not sleep through the night. DH found his job extremely stressful and was depressed and anxious. I also had periods of anxiety and depression. I needed support and help from him which he couldn't give, and I think it was the same for him.

Then came a couple of house moves, family serious illnesses and bereavement, schooling problems with our dc, house renovation, and more work stress.

We were both really struggling at times, and had a cycle where DH would release his stress by getting angry/ cold/ passive aggressive or withdrawn. I would then get very upset and often cry as I really struggle with handling this type of behaviour. I would get angry with DH for being angry with me so it was a vicious cycle. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I was almost hysterical for example when DH did not speak to me for 5 days over Christmas and wouldn't tell me why. I have ADHD and feel things intensely, so I don't know if this is part of the problem.

I noticed DH's behaviour towards me change around two years ago. Although our relationship was up and down, we were always affectionate and loving when we were getting on. However this stopped. He was going through a mental breakdown at the time so I attributed it to that.

The last couple of months he has got a lot better mental health wise. He's left his job which was a big cause of the stress. However he has now told me that he doesn't love me any more. He apparently loves me like a friend, but any romantic feelings he had for me stopped a few years ago. As I said we have gone through some very difficult times and when he used to be angry/ cold/ passive aggressive with me for days, I said to him on around 4 occasions over a couple of years that I wanted to split up with him. Apparently he's never got over this as it hurt him deeply. I have explained to him that I just couldn't handle his depression and his behaviour, I couldn't see any other way out, it wasn't that I hadn't loved him.

Also he used to say "I love you" to me every night, even if he had been angry or we had some kind of unresolved issue. If things weren't right between us, I used to say that I didn't feel like saying "I love you", I wanted to resolve things between us first - it wasn't that I didn't love him, it was just that if one or both of us was pissed off about something, to suddenly say "I love you" without resolution seemed a bit incongruous to me.

That is another reason why he now does not love me. I am feeling so heartbroken and guilty. I have apologised profusely and explained why I behaved like this - I know I was not perfect. I think we were both really struggling over the years and needed support from the other one that the other one couldn't give. He has apologised for all his anger over the years.

We have both been to counselling, worked on ourselves and both in a much better place now. We have been having open honest conversations for the first time in years. I'm just sad and heartbroken that he doesn't love me as a wife any more. There's no affection or intimacy, and he's pretty sure that these feelings won't come back. He wants to stay together for the children, but was also saying that in the future who knows what would happen and we both might meet someone else (although he said he would promise that this would not happen until we agreed on this).

I feel guilty about my part in all this. and also I don't know what to do. How can I stay in a marriage like this? My heart is breaking every time I look at him as I love him so much, and I can't bear the thought of leaving him and causing pain and disruption to the dc, but I just don't know if I can live like this.

I completely agree with the above posters, life isn't always as simple as LTB, not everyone has the luxury of being, young enough to start again, or healthy or wealthy enough.

I should imagine this kind of scenario is pretty common in long marriages whereby the h, has a mid life crisis or gets his head turned, it's shattering to a relationship and often the wife doesn't have the full facts to make a well informed decision. A life in limbo can occur.

It's so painful op the lack of clarity having to make decisions when you are at your lowest but whilst you decide re lay some of the rules. Start being selfish and putting yourself first, you may not have a crystal ball but you can redefine the boundaries.

The way he's going about this is selfishly cruel and I'm afraid whatever happens this treatment towards you is going to backfire on him one day, he's not taken into account you are the mother of his children and deserve a certain level of respect.

He's a fool.

A lot of MN posters definitely go crazy with LTB as if it's the easiest, not the hardest, thing in life.

While MN definitely taught me how to stand up for myself and value myself yet it's so grim sometimes.

I feel like there is practical advice missing on how to navigate relationships when they are hard. Or how to navigate relationships and fix them period.

Not every single thing is abuse. A lot of things are but sometimes people just struggle relating to each other.

I'm fairly certain that constantly reading abusive relationships is bad for my MH.

There was a thread a while ago where women were asked how long they were with their DH and so many happy ones volunteered.

There is just very important advice missing on how to navigate relationships.

Agree, perhaps not enough people take into account the natural peaks and troughs of life.

I don’t normally look to Hollywood for life lessons but there is a quote that I really like in Deep Impact, from the older, widowed astronaut:

’You can have good years and bad years in a marriage. Mary and I ended on a great year.’

It’s a simple statement but sums up some of the journey of a long marriage. The honeymoon period is something quite different to a long marriage.

For my own part, I am in a twenty year marriage and could have left my husband several times over, with good cause. In fact I am feeling a bit like it at the moment! But I didn’t and if I had, we wouldn’t have had all the brilliantly happy times that we have had since those bad times and our child (now a teen) would have grown up in quite different circumstances. Would it have been worth it to leave? With all the disadvantages that it can bring? I’m really not sure.

It’s the lazy answer. Ltb. Get your ducks in a row. Sorry to make this worse for you and give you a kick, but he’s cheating.

do people really give these answers in real life if a friend asked. There is clearly plenty of times a poster should leave her relationship. But divorce is not a simple thing and should not be bandied about on every thread.

this one is very complex, there are two children with additional needs and two parents with significant mental health issues. Immediately ending the marriage is not a decision to be taken lightly. And there is nothing ro suggest this man is cheating.

I feel like people mostly just post from their own experience - so those who say to stick with it should be regarded with as much caution as those who say LTB! People justify their own decisions, including me I'm sure.

FWIW from what I see on here and in life around me actually leaving unhappy relationships is the much more unusual choice - most marriages seem unhappy and most people stay!

It's absolutely NOT a lazy answer. Women put up with dog shit levels of behaviour and should not be encouraged to try harder/be nicer/compromise more/accept their lot/put up and shut up. No one is saying that divorce is easy but what's much worse is staying in crappy relationships where you are disrespected/abused/treated like a domestic appliance/lonely.

I'm not going to tell you what to do OP. I will tell you what happened with my relationship.

It was very similar to yours. Lots of ups and downs, bad things happened and each one seemed to destroy our love for one another. There had been splits before hand and we had tried to make it work for at least 4 years.

He gave me the 'Didn't love me anymore' speech this summer. And for me, that was it. I was done. If there was no love left, what were we trying for? I didn't want to live with a man who did not love me. He left. It was scary at first but since he has gone, I have gradually day by day got happier. I wish I had ended it sooner TBH looking back now.

Where do you stand logistically and financially if you did split? I was fortunate in that I earned similar to DH and I have been able to remain in our home with the kids. A lot of the day to day routine with the kids hasn't actually changed (which speaks volumes about how little time we spent together as a couple). I do receive Universal Credit. Once I got the practical stuff sorted, I never looked back. As soon as I knew my kids and I would financially manage, that was the scariest part dealt with for me.

Like I said I am happier alone. I don't have him and our bad relationship dragging me down anymore. My house is relaxing and peaceful. I am working on myself and my issues with codependency. He's shacked up with some other woman now. I suspect she was in the background when we split.

Your DH sounds like he has his eye on someone but doesn't want to risk it not working out. And doesn't want the aggro of selling a house etc.

Fear of the unknown keeps most people stuck in a relationship that has come to a natural end. I left my marriage of twenty years, no money, no support, no plans, l was just committed to making my next chapter work and l did. If you wait until everything is in place you will never do it.
If someone said l don't love you anymore to me, l wouldn't waste time and effort trying to make them change their mind. Once that feeling goes, it very rarely comes back, as others have said codependancy and familiarity often confused for love.
Sounds to me he wants to walk, so let him. You are more than capable of living happy life without him.

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants* *
Thanks for your advice.

"Living with someone who you want to be loving and caring but he is none of those now must be absolutely soul breaking and heart breaking and mind fucking." Yes, exactly this! Especially as he used to be loving and caring.

I have asked him to move out temporarily to give us both some space but he has refused saying he doesn't want to move out or separate so why should he.

I do definitely need to find my anger and inner strength - I notice that when something like this happens I have a tendency to go down the guilty/sad/feeling powerless route, and that keeps me stuck.

I would like to move out temporarily for some space but renting is just so expensive. But maybe I should try to find somewhere short term even for a month or something - I just feel when I am here I don't even have the space to think!

@cassiatwenty "But it's bloody hard living in a loveless marriage. You don't have peace you'd have living on your own but neither companionship living with someone else."

This* *really resonates with me - it's the worst of both worlds! It's basically like living with a lodger who's sometimes pleasant and polite and sometimes a bit moody. But always there and always distant.

@Moviemadnesss sorry to hear you have been through something similar. I hope all is well with you now. I'm not sure if I could ever feel safe and happy with DH again - his moods have always been up and down and unpredictable (due to his mental health issues) but he always told me I was his soul mate and he would love me forever, and we would grow old together etc.

I think if he had some kind of epiphany and suddenly felt love for me again, and worked to regain my trust - well, yes I would give it a go. There's so much to lose otherwise. But I know with absolute certainty that that's not going to happen!

But surely he understands if he's told you that he no longer loves you, then it is to be expected that he should be the one to move out and be resonable.

He wants everthing doesn't he.

Does he think you're just going to dissapear, leave him the house and you start from scratch again, what about the kids does he get to look after them and he pretends you never existed.

The man's deluded, don't move out of your home.
Go and see a solicitor, he sounds very unreasonable.

Record your conversations, this is emotional abuse.

@Pumpkinpie1 you've made some good points.

Is this love I feel or familiarity? This whole thing has made me really question what love is. I've been trying to find information on it, as I don't know if what I'm feeling is love, attachment, familiarity or what. Probably a mixture of all three.

Yes, I think it's a lot about our shared history - there's no one else who's been through the same things as he and I. Our children, our house, extended family, our lives - I feel heartbroken that that would all change if we separated. But it would just be a strange half life if I stay as his heart's not in it.

There is definitely an unyielding trait in his character - as i mentioned before he seems to be able to shut off to certain people (who haven't actually done anything bad at all) in a way I can't comprehend.

Could he be rewriting history as he is lining someone up?

Google and read the cheaters handbook and see if anything else tallies up.

He doesn't want to move out and says he doesn't love you but is he still expecting you to cook, clean, so laundry, etc. for him?

Thanks so much everybody for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry that some of you have also had the "I don't love you any more" speech.

Re the pps thinking he may be having an affair - I really don't think he is. I know no one can ever know for sure but he is at home practically all the time, and barely goes out. Although yes, he may have his eye on someone, or be thinking that he would want to be with someone else in the future. That bloody hurt when he said to me that we might both find someone else when the children had left home.

I do really think that years of MH issues and other problems have burnt him out, and burnt out his love for me - and this is where we now find ourselves.

I totally get what people are saying that all long marriages go through ups and downs - I was always willing to put in 100% to make it work - compromising, individual and marriage counselling, working on myself. I think there is always hope with a marriage if both people are committed and there is love. But without love, where would be the motivation from either of us to try to make it work?

Yes, I also agree that divorce is not an easy option, especially with a long marriage, SN children and MH issues. I do not earn much at all (partly due to me being a SAHM and out of the workplace while the dc were younger). We do have enough equity in our house for us each to buy a small 3 bed flat or house, so I'm grateful for that. I may be entitled to benefits, so need to look into that. I haven't done anything practical or really thought about finances etc as I feel I am just existing day by day, feeling a bit numb.

I think I need to find some strength and start to look at my options.

@RandomForest "But surely he understands if he's told you that he no longer loves you, then it is to be expected that he should be the one to move out and be resonable." He has said that his priority is stability for the children, and having us all in the family home. I do agree with wanting stability for the children which is why I can't really argue with this. He can't understand why I am finding it all such a problem. Maybe if I was a more practical, less sensitive person, I could just get on with things and see it just from a practical point of view - yes, financially and in terms of stability for everyone it makes sense to stay together until the dc have left home. But emotionally it's a different story.

You seem to be apologising for being you…and you sound nice and normal. Sorry your hubby is not the catch you think he is I would have left him a long time ago. Please ask him to leave - you need space to find someone that cherishes you and does not make you feel less than whole. You love him because he is like family to you after 22 years. That’s normal. Doesn’t mean he would be nice to spend the rest of your life with him your situation sounds very stressful to be honest. I hope you take care of yourself

But nobody is talking about abusive relationships in our posts.

LTB is absolutely a lazy answer in certain circumstances. Even if it's the right answer and women should strive fir that, it's the hardest thing anyone will ever do in their life.

Most, not all posters, don't give detailed little steps on how to proceed with all the things in between. It's like you're popping to the store to get some crisps not embark on the most difficult decision in life. There is little guidance while people are IN that.

The OP talked about abusive behaviour.

I've 2 dc, one with autism and nothing is going to get easier when he turns 18. In fact his inability to apply himself study, be brave enough to job hunt et cetera are only going to become more apparent so I agree with others saying DO NOT LET HIM SKIP OFF leaving you with "adults" he doesn't have to support.

Split now and get in to a routine now. Divide the care now so the habits are formed before dc are 18.

You will be able to carve out a life too if you are not trapped supporting 3 of you.

@Cosywintertime myself and a couple of others had a chat how life isn't always as simple as LTB, not everyone has the luxury of being, young enough to start again, or healthy or wealthy enough.

You replied to her comment pertaining to that.

I completely agree with your sentiment that women shouldn't be more nice/accomodating/used.

You don’t need to leave the house to have an affair. Romance scams grew exponentially last year. People fish on Instagram, Facebook etc for old girlfriends, colleagues, strangers. They cast their nets wide and hope someone takes the bait. If the criminals are finding these scams lucrative there will be many thousands of people finding ‘love’ online.

Personally I’d check his DMs. Hopefully I am wrong. Cheaters often cause their own mental breakdown. It’s caused by cognitive dissonance.

Breakdown. Distance. ILYBINILWY. Cold. Blowing hot and cold. Sounds like an affair sadly. Read Not Just Friends by Glass. Cheating in a Nutshell. Affair recovery website. See if any other behaviour matches. If he’s not cheating the books are good anyway (they have made me very sympathetic towards people going through infidelity). You may be doing the pick me dance without knowing you are competing. By saying we aren’t together he has stopped the cognitive dissonance. I’d be checking his devices. If it’s an affair the cold light of day will help you both make a decision.

You don't know why he cut the mother off. It could be 'missing missing reasons'. Remember, we only are hearing OP's side of things, the husband could have a different story. I don't think there is enough here to say who if anyone is at fault.