I've been in a rather unsettled relationship for almost two years. Mostly because my partner's ex has been allowed to cause mayhem. We've just about come out the other side.
I recently got a promotion in work. This will give me an extra couple of thousand pounds pay rise a year. Personally, I'm a single mum of two, receive no maintenance and have worked hard for this. I'm really pleased and looking forward to the money going towards nice things, as opposed to bills bills bills!
My partner has three children, he is 8 years old than me, so he has two adult children and a younger one by a more recent ex. He pays a large sum of maintenance for the youngest one and often spends large sums of money on his two adult children. They're both in their early twenties and still like to stay with their dad.
Currently, my outgoing are higher than DP, due to being sole provider for two children, one is a teen and the other is nine. Also, my rent is higher. Partner is on nearly £40,000 a year, but is so poor with handling money that after a couple of weeks or so, he needs money for shopping or fuel. I have kept this to a minimum, 1. to avoid being a regular go to pocket for money (something I was burned with in the past), and 2. Because I simply can't afford to help a grown man earning more than I do.
Since I've had this promotion, (please note that it hasn't started yet), he has made several references to moving in together. He has discussed buying a bigger, newer family car, looking for a bigger house stating that the younger two can share but if we get a three bed, that can be a room for teenagers for when his adult kids want to sleep, meaning my eldest son won't really have a room himself. He wants to book a big family holiday for us and all kids. He's looking for meals out for Christmas dinner in fancy restaurants, that will literally cost us hundreds to pay for all seven of us.
His ex goes crazy if I spend any time with their LO, something he is always considerateoff to at my expense, meaning myself and my youngest son usually get knocked on the head if he's had a rough pick up with her, so I stated she'd go crazy if we lived together. His response was how she'd have to "suck it up", odd considering he's always SO overly protective of her feelings. Now he's very keen for us to take them to Disneyland etc together, something he said no to before as to not rock the boat.
For me, this is a massive red flag. I feel he is spending my money before it's even landed in the net. He's only mentioned living together once last Christmas, when we had a particularly tough time due to his ex, then it was never mentioned again, and dodged if I'm honest. Now, he wants me to start contacting landlords and seeing how much can be saved for a mortgage in the future.
All of this has come really out of the blue. He will still earn more than me, even with the promotion. The cars and things he wants me to go shares on will take up so much of my promotion money, that things I wanted to do for my children will probably not happen. I already feel pressured into providing a lifestyle he wants however, I'm quite happy with the life myself and my boys have, but with some added savings and nice things for them. With all the things he wants from it, all we'd really have is higher bills to pay and bigger everything.
I was really looking forward to giving my children extra days out, not stressing about bills, having some odd little treats for myself. I often pay when me and DP go out, so he doesn't go without from me, and he never pays if he comes out with myself and my children, I always foot the bill. I always buy drinks etc when I go out with his children too, his children are quite comfortable with me paying for drinks for them, or the odd meal, activity etc, so feel I already contribute in some way with his family.
Am I wrong for really not wanting to move in together, and be told what my money is to be spent on?