Should we separate?

[Dilemma20]

Name changed for this as so personal. Been happily married (overall) for 14 years, one DC, 11. DH is a very good man but at times gets annoyed and it feels like nothing we do is good enough.

This comes from his own high standards around having a tidy house and high academic standards. It sounds weird but he will comment on how our place is untidy when I have been tidying it for at least an hour and have done lots of other domestic tasks and I find it very annoying and undermining. He does cleaning too but is out at work around 12 hours per day so does less than me. He kind of sighs and acts like a martyr while wiping a work surface, for example! This is frequent (weekly). I stand up for myself but it’s getting draining.

But that’s not the main thing. He thinks I am too soft on our DC and says she won’t succeed in life because I don’t push her enough. Yesterday he said to me her life will go ‘straight into a wall’ as she didn’t do very well on her maths homework and he generally doesn’t think she works hard enough. He then went out until 11pm for a walk/ cafe/ pub because he was annoyed when we were planning a nice family evening all together. We do get on 70/80% of the time so I am not sure if this warrants a drastic move like separation but I feel like it’s really unfair how we are treated at times. It affects our confidence. Our DC is picking up on it which is the most concerning thing and yesterday said, ‘I’d rather have two of you than one of daddy’ (and you, I think she means). She also is scared of getting things wrong in front of him. He has a lot of good points too. I don’t know what is best. My DD once said I should divorce him even but I don’t think she really means it.

Thanks for reading. I am very sad but kind of resigned.

His bullying is affecting her, and you need to safeguard her. So if he won’t change, he needs to go.

Your poor child DC. This is her “family”. The only child with a critical father and a mother who she sees also being made to feel small. The air thick with tension.

For a child to tell her mother to get a divorce - should have hit you like a steam train

Is it bullying? Or is it wanting the best for your child? I have spoken to him about this and he speaks to her nicely but she is clever and picks up on inference. Yesterday, I heard him say, ‘don’t be like your mother’ because she answered him back in a rude way. This is a red flag to me. 😔

Yes, it did hit me like a steam train. And I am seriously considering it right now. I am a string person really at core.

the very fact you ask that… is concerning

Of course it’s bullying, you’ve said that she’s scared of getting things wrong in front of him. That’s no way to live, and it’s setting her up for a life of anxiety.

* DH is a very good man*

No Op. he is not. what was your father like? your brothers? previous boyfriends?

For you to think this would indicate you don’t have a very positive benchmark when it comes to me.

And nor will your daughter if you stay

He sounds very selfish and arrogant. Would he be willing to work on things? Would you want to work on things?
It doesn't really sound sustainable as things are. His nit picking will undermine your daughter's confidence and you deserve to be appreciated.

Wow. Fuck him!! This has got my blood boiling for you OP. How DARE he say that.

I don’t have the answer, but just wanted to say that I see you.

I get similar huffs and sulks when DH cleans something that I’ve missed, I know how it feels judgey even when DH doesn’t actually feel that judgemental he just always sighs at mess. His sighs make me feel judged when it’s not me he’s judging it’s the mess.

I also realise you gave this as an example of his general attitude rather than a complete reason!

I definitely don’t want to belittle how he’s making you feel, but there is always a bigger picture than MN’s snapshot responses.

You say he’s a good man in general, but can I check whether that’s your opinion or something the outside world thinks and actually he’s different at home?

All you will get here is people telling you how awful he is.

In reality there is nowhere near enough I for in your post for anyone to pass comment. We don’t know how much effort your daughter puts in or if she is achieving her full potential or even a fraction of it, only you do.

There are an awful lot of posters on here who think all men are bad and will tell you to leave with nowhere near enough info for pass any comment.

Ignore them, and speak to him openly about your concerns.

Your DD is scared to get things wrong in front of him. This is going to be harder as she gets into teen years…and when she is doing GCSE’s. He could trash her confidence and how will that affect her mental health? Its hard enough being a teen without that pressure! Could he understand this do you think and change?

You are also on eggshells not wanting his criticism. His remark to her about you shows no respect for you… he sounds very unappreciative and arrogant too.

not “all you will get”

You will get the odd poster seeming not to read what the vast majority do.

The the child in question is… 11 not 16 doug her GCSEs

that be told his young daughter “not to be like her mother”

that he relentlessly undermines the OP

you have low standards and think others should have the same

probably best you clarify that you are a man @Herbiebanannas

Kind of fervent to your daft post

MN witch-hunting at its best, someone posts a different view “must be a man”…

Given that the OP hasn’t come back recently perhaps she was looking for a more balanced view and reassurance that all is not lost and she can work with this rather than just leaving him?

Not all men are "bad" by any means but your H is both arrogant and undermining both of you and your child. He's already stating that she is not working hard enough; what is he going to be further like when she chooses her options or has her GCSE exams in a few years time?. To him nothing short of a string of A star results will be at all acceptable. Such men also do not want to work on things; its their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

How did you arrive at a 70/80% figure of you getting on together - it seems these were plucked out of thin air and they're otherwise completely made up.

Do either one, or even worse both your own parents, act similarly to your H?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. She's already come to you more than once about him and she is also having her confidence ruined, just like you are. To me walking on eggshells is really code for living in fear. This is certainly no relationship model for her to potentially emulate further as an adult.

no he is a man! at least on the other thread i was on where he said he was the husband!

Stop focusing on him and his behaviour. Focus on yourself.

It doesn't matter what his intentions are or why he acts the way he acts. It makes you feel like shit. It makes your daughter feel like shit. And not being happy is reason enough to leave a relationship.

I posted yesterday about the difference in my life since my relationship has ended. To the outside and on the surface my relationship was 'good'. But the reality was that the dynamic in our relationship was that he always wanted to have his own way, I didn't know how to articulate my needs and any time I did lead to arguments. But there was also lots of insidious ways he put me down. I had the sighs and huffs and puffs whenever he had to do anything. He would shout and swear constantly at inanimate objects. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around him constantly. Everything was hard work.

I put my Christmas tree up yesterday with absolutely no drama whatsoever. That was something that was always surrounded by huffing, puffing, swearing and arguing.

Well if he’s a man, then he’s a man - but it doesn’t change my comment. If anything, I think views of men should be welcomed to provide a point of view from a different angle (unless he’s actually her DH).

Opposing or balanced views can exist, particularly when it’s a single post when the OP is having a bad day (unless I’ve also missed that this is an ongoing saga).

What difference does it make? There is nowhere near enough info here for someone to be making judgments on either person in this relationship, or do you think there is?

well yes - clearly i do given i think this relationship sounds shit for the op AND for the child based on the information provided

I think OPs second and third paragraphs of her initial post give very clear indicators re her relationship. And its a terrible relationship by all accounts.

Thank you to everyone for posting. I don’t think it is possible to put enough info in a post for people to make a judgement on our relationship and I am not expecting anyone to give me a categorical answer. Everyone comes to a thread with their own experiences. Maybe my title was somewhat clickbaity. I think some of the PPs are trying to protect from emotional abuse but I really don’t think it is that.

It has given me food for thought though and my DH and I will talk later. My relationship is definitely not shit and I responded to that post emotionally which shows me I do want us to work on it. He is a complex, multifaceted person as am I. For people asking about my childhood and models of behaviour, it was good so it isn’t that I have learnt this pattern. I am going to focus on what I want and need now and move forward with that. I have been pretty independent all my life and have a career so I know I can leave if I need to and we wouldn’t starve…so that’s good and gives some freedom.

Would your man write similarly of you dittzy and call you too soft?. From what the OP writes this is not she merely having a bad day, it appears to be very much an ongoing situation.

You wrote this comment, "I get similar huffs and sulks when DH cleans something that I’ve missed, I know how it feels judgey even when DH doesn’t actually feel that judgemental he just always sighs at mess".

g. I am very sad but kind of resigned.

what are you resigned to Op?