Should we separate?

[Dilemma20]

Name changed for this as so personal. Been happily married (overall) for 14 years, one DC, 11. DH is a very good man but at times gets annoyed and it feels like nothing we do is good enough.

This comes from his own high standards around having a tidy house and high academic standards. It sounds weird but he will comment on how our place is untidy when I have been tidying it for at least an hour and have done lots of other domestic tasks and I find it very annoying and undermining. He does cleaning too but is out at work around 12 hours per day so does less than me. He kind of sighs and acts like a martyr while wiping a work surface, for example! This is frequent (weekly). I stand up for myself but it’s getting draining.

But that’s not the main thing. He thinks I am too soft on our DC and says she won’t succeed in life because I don’t push her enough. Yesterday he said to me her life will go ‘straight into a wall’ as she didn’t do very well on her maths homework and he generally doesn’t think she works hard enough. He then went out until 11pm for a walk/ cafe/ pub because he was annoyed when we were planning a nice family evening all together. We do get on 70/80% of the time so I am not sure if this warrants a drastic move like separation but I feel like it’s really unfair how we are treated at times. It affects our confidence. Our DC is picking up on it which is the most concerning thing and yesterday said, ‘I’d rather have two of you than one of daddy’ (and you, I think she means). She also is scared of getting things wrong in front of him. He has a lot of good points too. I don’t know what is best. My DD once said I should divorce him even but I don’t think she really means it.

Thanks for reading. I am very sad but kind of resigned.

OP

What is your definition of emotional abuse if not what you are describing?. Abuse is about power and control and it appears that only what he says goes.

Complex and multi faceted characters (and it appears you do not act like he does to your child; for a start you have empathy) do not want to work on relationships so do not bust a gut trying. I can well imagine he is all sweetness and light outside the home and would not talk to his work colleagues in the ways he does to you and in turn your child.

Talking to him may well not give you the results you want i.e to be listened to and properly acknowledged. He could well stonewall you and otherwise shut you down, his opinion of you is low as it is. Are you going to suggest counselling to him?.

Resigned to him not being able to change the way he speaks him mind at times and his values which are connected to academia(he is a professor if that gives some context).

in that case, your child is in for one hell of a tricky time when she hits her teens

This is who he is and such men do not change readily if at all so your choices are stay or leave.

Some abusers like supposedly strong women who "fight back" because they see them as an additional challenge to take down. Trying to protect your child too from his barbs whilst you are all living under the same roof is impossible.

I call this the "big man" syndrome. I had the DH who was a high flyer. We started our relationship as equals, but there was a turn in the power dynamics after ds was born. I then had a lowly job that worked around child rearing ( he worked away a lot). He was the big man, busy and frustrated with us both for not being up to his standards. Ex was also depressed, but blamed everything wrong on me. Very hard on DS sometimes.

Now that he's gone, I'd describe me and DS homelife as harmonious and easy. It was thick with tension and we walked on eggshells before. If you think you can sort this with your DH and he'll change, then that's great. Just sounds similar to what I was going through, and we're glad he's gone now.

Only you know the full picture OP.
You do need to speak to your husband. How he reacts will give you an indication of what to do.
If he is a good man as you say he will take what you say seriously and work on improving how he speaks to you and your child.
If he is dismissive of unwilling to change then those are more red flags.
I would stress that he shouldn't be undermining your child's confidence as that may surface in other ways. If she feels like she isn't "good enough" that could lead to behaviours like self harm or eating disorders. Not trying to jump to the worst conclusion but just saying that could happen.

Best of luck in starting with him. Hopefully he is a good one .

I see no mention of your DD in your update, you need to be putting her needs first.

It’s it’s 70/80% good then you have something worth working with. Obviously that may mean compromise which he nights not be able to make.

Thanks, everyone. We had a really good talk this afternoon and he gets it. Also, with our DD.

All of your comments helped.

i didn’t realise you’d not properly spoken about it before!

We do get on 70/80% of the time.

So between 20% and 30% of the time you don't get on, and your dc is being subjected to all that toxicity.

The "don't be like your mother" comment would have killed it stone dead for me, OP.
Please wake up and protect your daughter from this abusive arsehole.

agreed

can you imagine overhearing that

or indeed being the daughter that’s it’s said to

Sorry, meant to say protect yourself as well.
All the best to you.

talk about an about turn in the space of a few hours.