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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going to get burnt

48 replies

Imtheid10t · 18/11/2023 23:32

Ok I know I'm going to get hammered for this but just need to get it out.

So about 12 months ago I started getting close to a guy at work, married guy and I was in a relationship (I know). We started just talking, lots and realised the feelings were mutual. My relationship was having issues (obviously) and after a good deal of working on it and talking it through I eventually left him. I'd not been in love with him for a while and he deserved more than me catching feelings for someone else.

The relationship with guy at work then grew into something more, we'd spend time together when we could. Couple of months in he told me he's told his wife he wants a divorce, they've discussed finances and moved into separate bedrooms. He's very open with things to me, he's shown me texts between them, financial advice he's received and I do believe he's had this discussion with her. She's also pretty suspicious about us, I'm sure she knows really.

Anyway since then it's all stalled and no more has happened, we still spend time together but nowhere near as much, he says he doesn't want things to turn messy (fair enough) and doesn't really know what to do next. I think he's waiting for her to make the next move.

Anyway i know what I'm going to get on here and what I'll be called but I just don't know whether I should tell her. Send her an anonymous message, I know it sounds completely ridiculous but I feel like she should know and not be blindly thinking he's stopped seeing me. I'm just a mess

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 18/11/2023 23:35

That’s not your real motive for contacting her is it? To do her a favour?

if you’re going to be an arsehole at least be honest with yourself about it.

You know you’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book. He won’t leave her.

Lavender14 · 18/11/2023 23:42

Truthfully op, you want to be with someone who wants to actively be with you. If he did, he would have left her and moved out- that's what the next step is, not moving into the next room.

If you contact her and it all blows up and then he decides to take the next step with you would you not always wonder if he'd have chosen it or if he'd just be doing it because he'd been kicked out?

You deserve someone who will actively fight for you and take those steps for you. I'd be giving him a time frame and then if he's not completely left her I'd just walk away because he's not going to. You're noones second best.

I think he's already shown you how committed he is to things with you and its time for you to start thinking about how to move on and find your own happiness without him. He sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it as the saying goes.

If you believe he's already told his wife then you've absolutely no need to rub salt in her wounds.

Focus on your other relationships and friendships, hobbies and the things in your life that make you feel good. This guy needs to be a much smaller part of your world.

Eaternotbaker · 18/11/2023 23:55

sorry OP I too question the motivation.

You say that he has broken things off with his wife and they are heading for divorce. Why then do you want to speak to his wife? Is it to put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship or are you really worrying that he has got cold feet and you want to see what her take is on the relationship?

Perhaps you are starting to realise that this man has been full of bullshit, hence the relationship has stalled.
leave the wife out of this. The issue you have is with this duplicitous man. This won’t end pretty at work either.

sunshineandshowers40 · 18/11/2023 23:57

What is your real motive? I wouldn't, u want him to choose u not be with because you're the only choice.

noooooooo · 19/11/2023 00:00

Don’t get in touch, poor idea for all reasons already given - if he wants to, he will.

VelvetVoice · 19/11/2023 00:02

maybe the novelty wore off for him?

Safxxx · 19/11/2023 00:07

Instead of pestering her pester him...give him a ultimatum you or her.. if he still makes excuses then back away! Let them be

JaxiiTaxii · 19/11/2023 00:12

Have they got kids?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2023 00:16

The only reason you want to contact his wife is because you're angry and bitter. You know deep down you're nothing but a side piece to him. You've been had. You were a bit of fun, but then reality came crashing down his door. He was never going to leave his wife for you.

You want to contact her because you're hurt and you want to hurt him.

Llamadramabanana · 19/11/2023 00:19

You got involved with a married man, why? Do you not realise he has gaslighted and deceived his wife. Even if he does leave her for you, you’ll always be seen as the other women.

I really hope they do not have kids.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 19/11/2023 00:22

You don’t want her “blindly” thinking he’s stopped seeing you, but you were very happy to keep her in the dark when it was going your way? Have a long, hard, look at yourself here op. You aren’t thinking of telling her out of any sense of guilt or shame, or in anyway to benefit her. You are doing it to try and force his hand, because you think, somehow, him leaving her will benefit you. The facts are, he doesn’t want to leave her. If he did, he would have done it already and what he has done instead is withdraw from you. Take the hint. And, even if he DID leave her, what would you gain? A weak, cowardly man whom you could never trust because you know (as he has shown you) that he is capable of enormous deceit and disrespect and disloyalty. Bin him and raise your bar. Also, have a think about whether you would want this done to you.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/11/2023 00:30

Going with a cheater will be a disaster.

Ultimately you can't ever trust him not to do the same to you.

Walk away.

Blueeyedmale · 19/11/2023 00:41

Set your standards higher maybe consider some therapy why you choose these type of relationships, in reality he was probably never going to leave her you were just his convenience sorry to be blunt op but that's probably the truth

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/11/2023 01:15

I have my opinions on what you are doing, but I'll just say this. If you tell her then she and he will turn against you, and you will understand what the term scorched earth means.

gwenneh · 19/11/2023 01:27

Don't pretend to be altruistic. If you cared about this woman's well being you wouldn't have run after a married man whilst he was still married, you would have waited until after he was definitively split with her - living apart, none of the "separate bedrooms" nonsense you've been handed. Because that IS nonsense and I'd put money on faked texts, too.

What you clearly want to do here is tell her in a bid to force his hand, and if you do it you WILL force his hand, right back in the other direction.

If he wanted to be with you, he would, and he knows exactly what he needs to do to make that happen. He's chosen not to do it, probably as he's realised the grass isn't greener.

Just don't pretend you're all concern and "she needs to know" because she didn't "need to know" before things stalled, it's only now that you haven't got your own way that you've had this sudden streak of conscience.

AdoraBell · 19/11/2023 01:29

If you contact her you will be blamed for everything he’s done. Block him and if you have to deal with in work keep it professional like he’s a stranger, no friendly chat. Spend time with friends, hobbies/volunteering to keep your mind occupied. Stop giving him head space.

Asformending · 19/11/2023 02:55

Why do you think he is going to leave his wife for you when he's cake eating and enjoying the best of both worlds? You've fallen for the oldest story in the cheater's manuscript.

What a vile thing to do to another woman, to be complicit in the abuse from her cad of a husband. To deny his wife of agency and informed consent because despite what he's told you, I'd bet my last penny, they are sleeping together still.

Really OP, why are you settling for a man of such low calibre? Set your bar higher and bin him, if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

Catoo · 19/11/2023 02:59

Move on OP.
Leave his wife alone.

DeeCeeCherry · 19/11/2023 03:10

You work with this guy, and you want to put a bomb under his marriage? & then what, still have to see him every day at work? How do you think that will work out then?

The 2 of you are unprofessional jokers tbh. You've lowered yourself into being a mess over another woman's husband. God knows why you think he's worth all this. But I don’t think telling his wife is going to give you the result you want. She could very well forgive him so you'll remain exactly where you are now - on the outside after being an easy lay and letting yourself be taken for a right mug.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 19/11/2023 04:33

Leave her alone.

She's going through enough.

FiveShelties · 19/11/2023 04:44

What do you hope to achieve by telling her? If he wanted to be with you, he would be - he has the best of both worlds at the moment.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 19/11/2023 05:10

For goodness sake, leave her alone!!! What is wrong with you?

CubaLibre23 · 19/11/2023 05:24

This dude is like somebody who agreed to jump off a cliff into the sea alongside someone else .... And then stopped/bailed on the run up, letting them jump off alone. And he's still standing on the cliff.

It's unlikely he's ever going to jump.

Who knows if he genuinely thought he was going to leave; but it seems like when push came to shove; he's backed out and is putting you at distance (instead of following through on any moves to end his marriage).

He clearly doesn't have the stomach for it/can't be arsed/doesn't have the backbone/realises it's not worth it for him and he's rather stay put etc. He's a type of future faker.

As someone says, if you tell her and he goes to you after she chucks him out; you'll onIy be with him because she chucked him out, not because he chose to leave and followed through.
And there's the good chance she won't chuck him out, for whatever reasons. Many wives stay with cheating men because of financial reasons, kids, fear, habit, bullshit theories they choose to about infidelity etc.

To be very cynical, perhaps he indicated he returned your feelings and showed/made moves to separate; when sex with a new exciting woman was on the table and your "relationship" was in the honeymoon period. It's now perhaps past that, you've probably had sex with him (possibly quite a few times) and the early super exciting spark/high/in love feeling is fading; and he's now decided maybe it isn't worth leaving his setup for.

As others have said, whether it's intentional or not, you've essentially been had by him. He's pulled an age old routine . Maybe he genuinely thought he'd leave until recently, but the outcome is the same as if he's done this with intentional deception. It looks like he's going nowhere and he's going to do a slow fade on you.

Therein lies a painful lesson when you cheat with a cheater; you take a high risk that you won't be one of the people who gets into a lasting relationship out of it.
Don't get involved with other people's spouses, no matter what they're saying or showing you, and then you won't be left sitting with them not following through on leaving their spouse.

CubaLibre23 · 19/11/2023 05:39

Doesn't really know what to do next.

Thousands of people end marriages and ltrs every day. They generally get a flat or similar and try to manage their finances until the divorce settlement.

But he has to wait on her to make the next move??

No, he doesn't. It's an excuse.

He does know what to do. It's not rocket science. Presumably he can make basic decisions and had basic reasoning and judgement in other areas of life.

He doesn't have to wait on his wife to move out or chuck him out etc.

He was good enough at starting a relationship with another woman, apparently discussing divorce and sleeping separately; so why is he incapable of moving out etc. Or of telling her he's starting separation/divorce proceedings and they can share the house til they're sorted, or one of them can move out. His tiny brain can't work through any of that, really?

He doesn't know what to do and she has to do it?

How come he didn't get advice, if it was even needed, from the same person he got the financial advice from, or if or wasn't a solicitor; how come he can't see a solicitor if he was able to see a financial advisor?

It sounds more like he fully realised/thought through the consequences of leaving and has decided it's not such an attractive prospect, and he can live with staying put. As I said : you've gone from being the super exciting new partner he wanted to woo and acquire, in the first flush of "love"; to (presuming you've been shagging him) to being not quite so exciting, and there are lots and lots of downsides to divorcing and perhaps it's not actually worth it after all

Are there any kids involved in this? That could be a massive factor too.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 19/11/2023 05:42

Leave the poor woman alone.

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