Going to get burnt

[Imtheid10t]

Ok I know I'm going to get hammered for this but just need to get it out.

So about 12 months ago I started getting close to a guy at work, married guy and I was in a relationship (I know). We started just talking, lots and realised the feelings were mutual. My relationship was having issues (obviously) and after a good deal of working on it and talking it through I eventually left him. I'd not been in love with him for a while and he deserved more than me catching feelings for someone else.

The relationship with guy at work then grew into something more, we'd spend time together when we could. Couple of months in he told me he's told his wife he wants a divorce, they've discussed finances and moved into separate bedrooms. He's very open with things to me, he's shown me texts between them, financial advice he's received and I do believe he's had this discussion with her. She's also pretty suspicious about us, I'm sure she knows really.

Anyway since then it's all stalled and no more has happened, we still spend time together but nowhere near as much, he says he doesn't want things to turn messy (fair enough) and doesn't really know what to do next. I think he's waiting for her to make the next move.

Anyway i know what I'm going to get on here and what I'll be called but I just don't know whether I should tell her. Send her an anonymous message, I know it sounds completely ridiculous but I feel like she should know and not be blindly thinking he's stopped seeing me. I'm just a mess

we still spend time together but nowhere near as much

Nothing has changed from before (in fact he should be more available if he was moving towards separation) so that's his choice. He's choosing to spend less time with you. Seems like an indication he's going nowhere.

I'm sure there are excuses but those excuses weren't being used when he wanted to "spend time" with you in the earlier days, were they? His availability is at his discretion.

How will this pan out in work. Because honestly it sounds like you're going to be left working with someone you had an affair with?

You've got your job and income and rep to think about here too

then it's all stalled

That's a use of the passive tense when, in fact, there's no need for the passive tense; it is accurate to say 'he's stalled it".

People leave relationships/walk out every day. He can if he wants. He doesn't have to wait on her to do it. This lack of follow through/continuing momentum is his choice.

Combined with spending a lot less time with you; it seems like he's not going to convert his affair into a relationship and not going to separate/divorce. It was the huge risk you took getting involved with a married man, even one who seemed to be making moves to end his marriage. If he really wanted to leave a d had the backbone to do it, you wouldn't have to arrange it by telling his wife (and trying to get her to kick him out).

but I feel like she should know and not be blindly thinking he's stopped seeing me

Why would she think that unless he's let her think that ... And why would he do that if he intended to leave?

You say you think she heavily suspects about you; how do you know he hasn't gas lit her, as is standard operating procedure for cheaters, about you and she doesn't actually know for sure he's been involved with and sleeping with someone else? How do you know him spending a lot less time with you isn't because he's agreed to work on things with her and has to be a lot more available/spend time with her?

Also, he doesn't want it to get "messy".

There is no easy, hurtless way of ending a marriage. Unless both people equally want it and have come to a mutual agreement. If that was the case, he'd have left already.

The potential to be "messy" sounds like he knows she'll be very very angry and bitter and upset if she finds out he's leaving her for another woman he's already been having a relationship with (understandably). He can do all the separate rooms and separation talk he wants, but omitting to mention "I have a new girlfriend btw, from work and we've been shagging" is still cheating and major deception.

So the best case scenario is you're being put on the back burner/to the side - for who knows how long - until he can slowly separate without her twigging he's had another relationship on the go for a year (?) and his next partner already set up. Then she can't (rightly) accuse him of cheating & leaving her for another woman; and tell their family and friends etc about it. But that's the "best" case scenario; it's equally likely he might not leave.

I think the messy refers to kids too (?)

You've possibly skimmed over them for obvious reasons.

If so, they're a major reason he may not follow through on leaving.

And another reason you should have thought long and hard about getting involved with a still married man, still living in the family home with his wife.

You're also now left hanging around, waiting for him .... Like he's a prize. Worth putting your life on hold for, worth having a half relationship with, worth not making/taking other relationship opportunities with; is that high quality woman behaviour?

You should try to date other people. He doesn't need to know. Id also stop fucking hi. Til he stops making excuses and treating you like someone who'll wait around for him, and leaves - if he ever does.

If he's all that into you and mad a iug you and it's meant to be, it won't make a bit of difference if you take a break while he extracts himself from his marriage. If he loves you a x wants you, right?

Looks like this affair is running out of steam.

Thanks for all the replies, yes some I definitely needed to hear. You're all right of course, I'm just being taken for a mug, god I'm being daft.

Backing off and leaving him too it

Oh and no kids involved

Clearly you want to tell her so that she'll ditch him and he'll run into your arms.

But I think that if you do that, he'll ditch you.

Bit weird that he actually showed you texts between him and his wife. When I first read that I thought that he must be telling you the truth but I guess he must have faked them somehow.

They might have been real texts but there's a big difference between talking about it and doing it...and anyway, even if they are splitting up, he's still clearly stalling with OP. So whether he's leaving or not, he's not planning OP in his future.

Glad that OP is now being smart about it.

I'm sure they were real and I'm sure they've had the talk about separating, I think he's now just realising the actual implications of it. He's not your typical flirty, player type guy and he didn't initiate this I did 🙄

I've told him numerous times that if its not what he wants to just tell me and I'll leave him alone, he says I make him happy and wants us to be together. I'll be backing off and like you all say if that's what he wants that's what he'll do

@Imtheid10t you initiated an affair with a married man who isn't your typical player/flirty type?! Why on earth would you do that? Did it make you feel powerful or something?

No I met a guy I felt a deep connection to and instead of ignoring it like I should have (cos he's married and I was in relationship), I told him how and I felt and he admitted he felt the same. Not sure where you're getting this power thing thing from, I didn't seduce him and ravish him in the office one day

He's getting cold feet about ending his marriage.
My advice would be to end it now, move on and don't be cruel by contacting his wife.

Step back. If he’s really going to leave her and wants to be with you he’ll come back. If he’s be a different kind of awkward.

Either way I’d start looking for a new job.

I am in a very similar situation OP so zero judgement here. I think sometimes we know when they’re just not that into you anymore. I’d back off, hard tho that is, and if he wants you he will take the next action to make that happen. If he doesn’t, you will be free to find a relationship with someone who does want you (make sure they’re single this time though!)

@Imtheid10t from your reply about you not having seduced him or ravished him, I wonder if I had upset you by asking you why on earth you initiated an affair. It wasn't my intention to criticise you, it was more 'what on earth were you thinking' type question. If you get my meaning.
There have been several men I can think of over my life who I felt connected with, and could have initiated affairs with, but I didn't. I don't mean to imply I have any higher moral ground, just, for instance, looking at the selfish practicalities. I would think, why on earth would I want to create grief for myself? Don't create problems for yourself when other options are available!
My question about this affair making you feel powerful or something is my clumsy way at suggesting that maybe your self esteem was lacking?
As for him, well, it is probably very flattering to have a woman make a move like this. Even in the most secure of marriages, a person will still feel flattered. In a less secure marriage, that person might be tempted to think the grass is greener. It rarely is and perhaps he has realised that?

OP as others have said, he’s cheated with you and probably will cheat on you. When I met my DH his wife had moved in with one of the men she was sleeping with, call him Jack. Then, while living with Jack, who left his wife for her, she met Steve and got engaged to Dave while she was telling Steve they would live together if he leaves his wife. She did get married, to William, who she met through Steve’s friends.

Spin it how you want: you still initiated an affair. Saying you didn’t start it with physical behaviour doesn’t make it any better, or any less of an affair.

Own up to what it is, and what you want to do. You started an affair which has now cooled, and you are want to tell his wife so that you will force his hand, which believe me he isn’t going to love you for doing. Have some sense, stop doing the “pick me” dance, and find someone who is emotionally and physically available for you 100%.

A) He's realised divorce is more expensive and more hassle than it's worth and B) you've lost your novelty factor.

Be prepared for him to backtrack massively...

20 years ago, I was cheated on by my then husband, he left me for the OW. I had his email password and tracked him everyday. He was cheating on her with work colleagues and a neighbour before OW moved in together. He even had a goodbye date night with the neighbour the night before OW was moving in.

Then he changed passwords but I heard from the grapevine that they are officiallly married and have children. I’m glad he is out of my life and that she took him away from me. When I suspected he was cheating with OW he made me think that I was crazy, jealous, insecure…

OP you have only his side of the story. Would you trust a man who did what he did to his wife?

I 100% believe that cheaters can reform but not while they are at it

Be single and find a single man of your own. It is a much better feeling.

@Inthegrotto no worries, apolgies I guess I was just expecting some negativity on this post so I read it as so.
I guess what I was thinking was that I'd actually found someone really special and the fact that he said he felt the same it meant something. I'm not young and I'm not inexperienced with relationships, it sounds stupid but I've actually never felt this way towards a man before now. I've usually fell for the funny, cheeky chap that's persued me. This guys not that way at all, and despite being fairly quiet and unassuming he gives me butterflies. I don't know I cant explain.

I think you're right that maybe he's felt flattered and excited at being persued and now he's just experiencing the reality of it, he has to let someone down somewhere, and it seems it's likely me.

And you're all right I'd be completely ridiculous to tell her, no need for that at all. I'd say she's either waiting for him to hang himself or happy enough to stay put

(A) good you have exited something not great

(b) don’t go shitting in her world
it’s bad karma and won’t do any good
sit in your hands and grow up

I agree with every word of this, you're just trying to break them up.