Does this type of love exist?

[Rosa120]

Hi, to be honest I do not know how to start.. I am afraid that films and my imagination influence my life and expectations in relationships. I am a huge fan of these romances, where they look at each other and it is like they have never seen someone so beatiful. Those films and books where love will beat everything and these people, they are all just perfect.. especially men. Of course, I know.. make up, it is on purpose, they must look perfect. Well and this is it. Then I go out and I want to feel what I have been reading in those books, I want to feel the passion I have just saw in the movie, I want to meet this perfect man and have those moments with him. Did you see the new hunger games? I am so obsessed with Snow, for example. :D My question is, have you ever been in such love? Have you ever felt this ‘burning passion’ with someone? Because I have a feeling, that if so, it will disappear after some time.. Couple of months ago, I had a boyfriend. Everything about him was so calm and relaxing. We were living together, we had fun together. Everytime I was sick or had a bad day, he took care of me and everything. Everything I wanted, I had. We had same hobbies, same sense of humour… but I broke up with him, because i though, I should have felt more - like in those films and books - passion, mad love, butterflies in a stomach. But now, I am thinking about it and asking myself, is it possible? Does this type of love exist or it is just movies and books? I am 25.

The books sell so well because it doesn't happen in real life.

No, that's not real life. If you're always chasing that high you'll never be happy.
I am passionately in love with my DH and we have those moments you describe but we also have moments when we annoy each other or lie ignoring each other on the sofa or whatever. Movie love is a romanticised ideal of something that does exist but you can't expect all of life to be like that

No it's made up. And it's damaging to believe that kind of nonsense. Some women tolerate all kinds of shitty behaviour from men because they have absorbed such ridiculous ideas about what constitutes 'true love'.

If you ever, ever see someone you barely know, looking at you as if you are the most beautiful thing they've ever seen - Run. Run fast.

Narcissists look at people like that. They generate immense chemistry and we mistake it for them being smitten with us. They are actually a predator looking at at lunch. When they are hot, we are flattered and get the butterflies unfortunately. They may also then go on to 'love bomb' you further. To trick you.

Then once you are hooked, they change and become horribly abusive.

Be aware of anyone who tells you that you are the only one who understands them or that they've never met anyone like you before. It is bullshit.

You need to be very careful if you think chemistry = love. Do all you can to learn how to spot abusers. Continue refreshing your knowledge throughout life.

Not saying anyone you have chemistry with is abusive but there is no such thing as love at first sight.

Passion and obsession and lust and addiction are also not love.

Also...ironically...isn't Snow the villan in the main hunger game series? ...just saying.

There's a difference between looking at someone you love...and looking at someone you wish to possess and consume.

It sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your partner. That doesn't mean you should not have left him though as clearly it wasn't what you wanted. But realistically you need to be careful in idealising this kinda big screen romance.

You'll notice in many of these sorts films, the romeo 'loves' the Juliet without knowing anything about her. Other than that she is pretty. That's not love.

Many people in so called passionate relationships...are actually in turbulent, drama filled ones with toxic people. Don't add crap people to your life because they sometimes make you feel amazing. Mind altering drugs do that too and they're illegal for a reason.

It’s not real OP. That’s why those books and films are filed under Romantic Fiction.

Yes, you can feel the butterflies but that is just the high from a new relationship with someone you fancy. It’s temporary. It wears off. It’s quite often lust fuelled sexual attraction and when that wears off you end up either splitting up, staying together and resenting each other, or something warmer, softer, calmer, deeper develops. Nobody can know beforehand which direction it’s going to take. But it never remains the butterfly feeling.

You could end up spending your whole life chasing a fantasy and flitting from one guy to another when that feeling wears off.

It’s infatuation. It always wears off but it can be replaced by something deeper and more profound if you hang around a bit. That is the sort of love that lasts a lifetime.

@DatingDinosaur you are right..warmer calmer deeper . My husband gave me the major butterflies.. but he was reserved as he had 2 boys and we did not blend until we were really serious. He was never the really overly romantic type and to be honest I was a little disappointed. UNTIL I saw what was actually happening in my friends relationships with Romantic men that love bombed them. Sorry..20 years on and I will still chose my slow, steady but unromantic fool of a husband. That being said.. everytime he gets a haircut and looks so handsome..I get butterflies. They flutter away as soon as he asks me what is for dinner LMAO.

Reality and fiction are different but it is possible to fall head over heels in love almost straight away, I know because I did. He thinks I'm beautiful, I'm not convinced! But we aren't spring chickens!

In real life though you have to put up with the negatives, the things going wrong ... and real love copes with this

I think what a lot of those romance novels are describing is intense sexual attraction. I think that comes and goes in relationships, depending upon what else is happening in your lives. I certainly don't believe it's sustainable to feel that all the time, not when you are living together and dealing with very un sexy things, like the gas bill and cleaning the bathroom etc!

I also don't believe in love at first sight - I think you actually have to know a person before love can be real - anything else is lust. This has the potential to evolve into love but true love is built on a shared life and experiences not just physical desire.

@Pinkbonbon that is such a good description of narcissism.

I know because I married one. Now I’m divorced I’m having to recalibrate myself back to the right level of butterflies.

Be careful op. Also don’t worry about dumping your boyfriend. Perhaps he was just a little boring, or something. Maybe you could get someone who’d be interested in this question too, but not exploitative.

OP,

It "kind of" exists very briefly at the beginning of a good relationship (maybe not quite like in films but a pretty good "high") - beware of love bombing though, which I've not experienced but is a more intense high that is not a sign of a good long term relationship.

This the best description I have found about what "love relationships" feel like from starting & as it evolves:

Map of Relationships

Enjoy the read!

"Romantic Love Ends

The Romantic Love period always ends. It has to. I like to say it lasts for 9 minutes up through 9 months. But it always ends. If there was one thing I could change in this country, it would be to get Hollywood and all those Romance novel writers to teach that Romantic Love is a period, not a forever. People fraudulently tell you that if you find the right person, it will be happiness ‘forever after’. It isn’t. Perhaps we could make a class action suit against all the perpetrators of this lie. I have seen so much pain when the normal process of ending of the romance happens. “I don’t love him any more.” “She just doesn’t turn me on.” Yet Hollywood, romance novels, and soap operas, repeat the lie, “And they lived happily ever after.” And yet, I truly believe that falling-in-love, romantic love as a basis for partner selection, is a wonderful and positive force. It just has to end and no one wants it to end."

It does exist. I briefly had it once. Then he left me for reasons still unknown. But it was real. I envy people who get to spend their lives with a partner they love. The lack of that is my deepest sadness.

I've had this kind of love with my DH (that instant connection and we've had what some might call a soul bond since). I think that's different than the passion you speak of. I wouldn't say our relationship has ever been very passionate in the physical sense. I also don't think those intense feelings ever last in a relationship. The initial rush settles down. After a long time, if you're lucky, you have a companionable relationship that is steady and strong.

I used to want “movie love” too. But I’ve realised that no matter how much I love someone I will never want to snog them with morning breath, I will never feel lovingly towards them when they wake me up with their snoring and someone trying to kiss me when I’m in the middle of clearing up after dinner before getting the kids to bed and doing everything else I need to do before I can sit down for a bit is likely to be told to fuck off. Real life definitely gets in the way of romance for me!

It does exist. I've had this twice in my life. Once with my first true love. I still get this feeling when I see him now, I'm pretty sure he does too. We were together for a very short time but there has always been something between us. And once with a relationship that lasted 10 years, although that faded towards the end it was very intense for at least 7/8 years of the relationship.

Make note that almost all romantic comedies depict the beginning of a relationship. Often you can have those intense butterfly's, excitement, nerves and sexual chemistry at the start but real, good relationship will settle into something else.

Films don't often show established relationships. Real love is my husband seeing how tired I am and taking the baby out for a walk. Real love is me coming down stairs after a hard night to a cleaned kitchen and a pile prepped nappies.

Butterfly's are good but rather then intensity, a relationship should be EASY. Relaxed, equal, fun, tender. You should both give and receive mostly equally even if its regarding different things. Tolerate the annoying things because they are part of the same traits that you love in other ways.

Think about those wide eyed girls in the early Disney films, they aren't in love, they are fools!

I'm a bit surprised no one has posted to say they fell madly in love immediately and have remained as crazy in love today as they were for the past 20 years... You see quite a few posts like that on here.

Falling in passionate, all-consuming love, and remaining in it long-term does seem exist outside Hollywood, but it seems rare.

The problem comes when it feel like that's something everyone should aspire to, and when the perfect becomes the enemy of the good... My personal view is that some people are just wired for permanent intensity and an obsessive relationship with someone, where they lose their identity and independence in the other person.

Most people aren't though, and therefore would never have a "loved-up" relationship that lasted decades. That's not a bad thing - on the contrary, it's healthy - it just means that we don't want to live our whole lives defined by someone else, and hopelessly dependent on them.

So, yes, I think long-lasting "Hollywood"'love does exist outside of the movies.... But I don't believe it's healthy or something we should aspire to. I actually feel sorry for people who have completely surrendered their their self in this way for their whole lives.

This. You can have the longing and the butterflies but you can’t have it forever.

Either have an endless series of very short relationships, or settle down with one man and accept that you’ll never feel that intensity again.

Be aware that in your early twenties you have endless options as so many men want you. By the time you’re over 28 they’re already looking at younger women and all the good men are already married. Basically if you spend too long choosing and ‘refuse to settle’ you will end up alone.

I think you can have longing and butterflies forever, just not constantly. At some point he will piss you off. That feeling of intense desire ebbs and flows.

I think you need to look inwards. Not 'Does this really exist in the real world?' but 'Why do I need this so much that I can't be happy without it?'

You know, like a million quid. Does it exist... yes. Do we need it? No. Do we want it? Yes.

The three things aren't related. If your need for a million quid starts impacting on your life, you need to deal with your feelings, not deal with answering whether a million quid exists.

Thank you for your answers and opinions. It is really helpful. And yes, i am really trying to know, why do I need it. But unfortunately I can not find the answer.

Nobody can answer it for you. Maybe seek counselling to talk it through before trying to have any more relationships? Look into your childhood... your parent's views and ideals, when you can first remember identifying the feeling etc. It will have been around a long time.

I don't think it means theres anything wrong with someone to desire immense and passionate love like in the movies.

So long as we are also aware that we have to be our own white knights. That other people don't exist to save us or to fill a void. They are simply company, along for the ride. Each with their own issues to face.

Sometimes if we've had a childhood where we were lonely or rejected, the idea of meaning the world to someone can male us feel like we are 'worthy'.

That's when it becomes a problem.
Because self worth isn't something a partner can give us. They can help support us whilst we find it but they cannot make as whole. We have to do that ourselves, possibly, with the aid of having many good people in our lives in various capacities, who love us for us.