Partner leaving.

[Rob1968]

Hi,

Ive been with my partner for 16 years. She has three kids and I’ve tried to be all I can be them. Their father is totally absent and never paid towards them. I’ve tried to be a role model and give them everything and a start to life that he didn’t.

Myself and my partner have always loved each other and treated each other with kindness and respect. We get along very well, laugh a lot, like the same things, rarely argue, always been as if we were made for each other. We are now in our early fifties.

Over the last few months she has become very intolerant of me. I’ve tried to help out or get close to ask what’s wrong but cannot. She’s now saying she’s no longer “in love” with me and is off to live a single life of going out and travelling etc.

I’m not perfect. I’ve taken a good look at myself and recognise my faults. However, I’ve always devoted myself to her and the kids and their futures, put them through Uni, set aside small funds for their future weddings and to help with first homes. We’ve gone through all kinds of life together. She’s always appreciated everything, loved me, been kind and loving until recently.

I don’t really know what’s happened. She’s out all the time and angry all the time she’s at home. The bedroom door locked on me about three months ago and now she’s leaving.

I thought we were looking forward to a quieter easier life, a few holidays, smaller home in the country, all the things we used to talk about.

I guess she no longer wants that. I guess she’s slowly been getting fed up with me. I have been working longer days lately due to money not going as far nowadays. I’ve been tired a lot. Not there for her as much. Falling asleep on the sofa in the evening. However, she’s always been in my thoughts. I go to my manual
job every day sore and hurting, thinking of her and the kids and knowing it’s all worthwhile.

Has anyone left their partner in similar circumstances and if so would you mind sharing? I’m trying to understand.

Could she be going through menopause or have depression? Bit of a mid life crisis?

It could be menopause or it could just be that she's decided she can't picture spending potentially the next 30 years with you.

She's saying she wants to go out, travel etc. Are these things you've done or discussed doing together? I broke up with one ex as he had no interest in ever leaving the country (didn't even have a passport!) And he didn't particularly even want to travel in the UK. Whereas for me it was really important to get out and see the world as I wasn't able to do it when I was younger.

I understand what you're saying about your work but maybe from her perspective she looks at you sleeping and thinks "is this it now?".

You've been together a long time, and she should be honest with you so you know exactly where you stand.

It could be that she's met someone else.
It could be that she's peri-menopausal and not feeling like her old self (that change can be temporary or permanent).
It could be that she's put up with lots over the years and has finally had enough.

But whatever it is, you are entitled to her honesty so you can make plans to separate if that is where this is going.

I’ve wondered this and tried to talk. She says there could be any combination of those things at play, all the same she’s not in love with me and is leaving. She wants a different life.

Yes, we’ve discussed future plans. They were the same until recently. Always the same until recently.

@Rob1968 it sounds really stressful for you and confusing I'm sure as to what has changed. It is incredibly common I'm afraid ..menopause is a roller coaster and everyone had to hold on... I would suggest looking into the impact it can have it might help to illustrate a wider picture of what is happening ..

To add, I only work hard for her and the kids. To pay for everything. She works very hard too. Yes, she may be thinking she doesn’t want another thirty years of this. We were just reaching the point we could make the change to an easier life. Her go part time, which she wanted, so she could be there for grandkids. Now we’re both going to struggle.

Yes, she’s had a to put up with a lot the last few of years. Not from me, from life.

I don't like her, OP. I think she's used you. She was OK with you while you were paying towards her children's education etc but now she doesn't need that support she's off.

Well you sound like a wonderful person someone we all want in our lives but clearly she's of a different opinion and she's the one who has been living this dream for years and now she wants out..there's always 2 sides to a failed relationship and the shame is you don't understand hers but she will have her reasons for leaving.
My husband also 'took on' on my children- he gave them the very best upbringing he could but neither they nor I owe him anything- relationships don't work on that basis. We all had a role in the family and we played it out as best we could. We appreciate all that he's done of course but it's not a tit for tat thing.
Presumably you've talked to her? Surely she has told you why she's going? What do the young adults think?

@Rob1968
Sadly, it sounds as though the demise of her feelings coincides with the necessity for your financial contributions and support of her children being no longer necessary . Chances are she may have stopped loving you a while back, but still needed you financially.

Be grateful for the good times and good memories , and move on with your life. You are still a good person and there is still time to enjoy your life and build new relationships.

Honestly - it's over - this is what she's telling you.

I do find your narrative a bit off - she works full time as well? So why is it all you paying for 'her' kids etc - are you saying she has contributed nothing to the home, kids, Uni etc and it's all been you? What does she do with her wages?

Obviously you have both had a nice life but I'm not seeing what financial benefit she would have, leaving you now, given you are not married? She obviously feels she can support herself and want to be single.

@ghostyslovesheets
It sounds as though the partner is saying that it is her time now.

This very situation happened to a man I know. He had a very good job, married a woman with 2 children, educated them in a prestigious school, the works. Once they were through university, she filed for divorce. No contact with them now, he finds out about their lives on FB. Awful way to treat a person.

Wow, all this after you raising and putting her kids through uni. Nasty.

sounds very similar to my mother, who I feel used my stepdad for the advantage it gave her in life. I get it, single mothering children looks like hell, but that’s callous. SO SORRY, OP 😢

doubleshotcappuccino, thank you. I’ll try learn more.

OhcomeonFFS, that’s the thought that haunts me. I try not to think about it. Was always told we have her work pension in the future so I provided for the kids and most of the bills. Time the house is split I’m in trouble. I’ve nothing for my own future. Can’t afford another property. I work with my hands that now have nerve damage and was looking forward to easing off a bit before they’re ruined. I am stunned at what’s happening.

Any cheating in the marriage previously from either you or her?

None by me. Never doubted her.

@Rob1968 why don’t you write her a letter and tell her how you feel and write down your concerns that you’ve told us here and see if you can both move forward together?

I'm glad neither of you have cheated previously.

I really hope it isn’t what other posters have suggested over finances etc

You would be entitled to half her pension if that is the only one. What is your housing situation? Did you both contribute equally to bills? How can she afford to give up work and go travelling if by splitting up you will both be worse off.

I hate to say it but if this is behaviour is quite recent, could she be suffering from menopausal symptoms, depression or had her head turned by a man?

@Asformending they aren't married from what he has said

Jejrididndjdiiencndkso, thank you, I did that, she refuses to work at anything, just says sorry, she loves me but isn’t in love and has to go, she wants her own house and space.

Asformending, signs of perimenopsuse, depression are there. I’ve been doing as much as possible round the house to take as much off her as I can. Over the last few weeks all the classic signs of having her head turned are there too. She tells me she’s out with new younger friends. Her head has been turned, not necessarily by a man, maybe a lifestyle.

She recently came into a little money. Not much, enough to buy a two bed after splitting our place. The youngest will go with her. The other two moved out this year but should either need to return won’t be able to. Her pension is not much but will grow before she retires. It would have just added a little to our state pensions to make life a touch more comfortable, especially if I was still able to do a bit of part time work. If she works full time until retirement age and lives fairly frugally, she’ll be able to pay her bills and be ok. It wouldn’t be right for me to try make any claim on anything that would take from the kids. Nor take away the little bits I’ve saved for their weddings and futures.

No, I paid most of the bills. I earned more and she was part time most of the time. We cleared the mortgage last year. She was going to drop a day a week of work and me also work less to protect my body and injuries. Just both take it easier, start enjoying ourselves more now the kids are becoming independent. Three day weekends, little trips away, that kind of thing.

I’m losing her, losing watching the kids and grandkids grow up, losing my home, I have two rescue dogs to look after, rental prices are unaffordable and I can’t get back on the property ladder. I don’t know where I’m going to start or where I can go. I am struggling to believe the woman I knew all the years could do this. We have always treated each other with love, kindness and respect. Barely ever argued. We are each other’s best friend. Just can’t understand it.,

Came on to say the same thing. She's happy for you to take on her children, but doesn't want you now they are older. What a charmer.

If you're not married you're not entitled to any of her pension.

Who owns the house?

She sounds like a selfish person who wants to move on to pastures new. This is very hurtful but it is what it is. I agree she sounds like a user. Awful.

You haven't necessarily lost your relationship with the kids, she can't police that. They may well want to stay in touch with you, especially given the publicly awful way their mother has treated you