Partner leaving.

[Rob1968]

Hi,

Ive been with my partner for 16 years. She has three kids and I’ve tried to be all I can be them. Their father is totally absent and never paid towards them. I’ve tried to be a role model and give them everything and a start to life that he didn’t.

Myself and my partner have always loved each other and treated each other with kindness and respect. We get along very well, laugh a lot, like the same things, rarely argue, always been as if we were made for each other. We are now in our early fifties.

Over the last few months she has become very intolerant of me. I’ve tried to help out or get close to ask what’s wrong but cannot. She’s now saying she’s no longer “in love” with me and is off to live a single life of going out and travelling etc.

I’m not perfect. I’ve taken a good look at myself and recognise my faults. However, I’ve always devoted myself to her and the kids and their futures, put them through Uni, set aside small funds for their future weddings and to help with first homes. We’ve gone through all kinds of life together. She’s always appreciated everything, loved me, been kind and loving until recently.

I don’t really know what’s happened. She’s out all the time and angry all the time she’s at home. The bedroom door locked on me about three months ago and now she’s leaving.

I thought we were looking forward to a quieter easier life, a few holidays, smaller home in the country, all the things we used to talk about.

I guess she no longer wants that. I guess she’s slowly been getting fed up with me. I have been working longer days lately due to money not going as far nowadays. I’ve been tired a lot. Not there for her as much. Falling asleep on the sofa in the evening. However, she’s always been in my thoughts. I go to my manual
job every day sore and hurting, thinking of her and the kids and knowing it’s all worthwhile.

Has anyone left their partner in similar circumstances and if so would you mind sharing? I’m trying to understand.

I wouldn't rule out her cheating tbh, the signs are all there.

If she won't engage and has made up her mind to leave then there's little you can do.

Sorry this is happening to you OP.

Sorry to say this but sounds like she is seeing someone else 😕

Sorry OP I hope you manage to sort something out I feel crushed reading your posts.

Im sorry this is happening.

You are still young. If your body is worn out from your job change your job. Retrain in something you can do into retirement to add money to your pension. There are a lot of jobs around currently and all skills are transferable. I went to uni at 49.

You can either wallow in this or get up. You have a house with no mortgage which will be a good deposit on a flat. You might be old enough to move into an over 50 place which are great value.

She wants to live a little and what you seem to be offering is not what she wants. And that's ok. She hasn't used you but things have evolved.

If this was a woman posting everyone would be saying there's an Affair Partner on the scene. I think she's had her head turned, especially with you no longer allowed in the Bedroom - she doesn't want to cheat on the other man.

Is the money saved for the kids in your name? If it is and using it would make the difference and allow you to buy a small property that might be be what you have to do even though you don't want to. Your partner is the one who has changed the situation and you need to do whatever you have to to keep a roof over your head. You can always leave the property to the kids in your will so they get something one day.

Sorry you’re going through this, @Rob1968.

I do think she’s behaved very selfishly and it sounds like she’s had her head turned.

Personally, I think the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” stuff in a long relationship is about emotional immaturity. It’s based on an assumption that things would be different with a different partner and also not understanding that there are choices which can be made to help reignite that in love feeling. It’s also about not valuing the romance of the deep, secure, less fizzy love that comes with time.

There was a post on here some time ago from a woman who, while in peri-menopause, had smashed up her marriage - she left for another man and refused to try to save her relationship with her husband. She was hell-bent on being with this other man. After a few years, when the dust had settled, she massively regretted it and wanted to return to her marriage but her husband had moved on and didn’t want her back. She said she was posting as a warning to others. That may or may not be relevant here but the situation reminded me of her.

You have no reason to lose your relationship with your children though. Make clear that you’ll always be thrilled to see them and spend time with them.

Thank you for the replies.

Im wallowing a bit but think it’s understandable at the moment. For the first time in many years I now have to start thinking of myself, it’s strange. Living alone, not owning property, with no provision for my old age is not something I ever imagined. As a 55 year old roofer with no IT skills or qualifications I cannot really change much. I can rent until the money runs out and then…I don’t know. State pension and keep trying to work, I guess.

The money put away for kids is in my name and not enough to change my situation. I will not take it and it’s not much. If their mum is now not keeping money aside for them, it’s more important I do. None of this is their fault, I can’t just tell them I’m taking it away.

I’ve been reading on menopause and perimenopsuse from both the man and women’s perspectives all night. It’s like reading our lives the last few months.

As I said earlier. I’m trying very hard to stay the cool calm one. Trying to understanding, trying to be patient for everyone’s sake. I am very anxious about all of our futures.

Sorry you're going through this. She wants to leave and that's her prerogative. You have your side of things , she has hers. Best plan forward for the practicalities of splitting up.

If she has enough money to buy a small house, surely you could come to some agreement over your current home? Whose name is the house in? I'd not be handing over any of your savings for her kids.
Time to put yourself first.

@Rob1968 I suspect you are correct that's it not another man, (I may be wrong) it may well be more the lifestyle and wanting some space. Do you mind me asking , do you have local friends, interests, hobbies, get out the house much other than for work? I am 61 now and I find that many men simply don't - and it's very easy to fall out of love with someone who doesn't seem to have stuff going on- other than being around you. That feeling of co dependency can get really stifling - especially if she does go out and about.

It doesn't matter what you earn or what's been provided for, we all want to live and be in a relationship with someone we still feel a connection with- (that's if we are in a relationship) even if the sex is no longer a big deal to us and that connection can wane very easily regardless of lifestyle or earnings etc if the partner doesn't seem to have much going on other than 'you'

Crikeyalmighty

Thank you. Yes, I have had other interests other than work, average one evening a week out and one Sunday a month. It is my partner who has had nothing.

She fell into a bit of a rut after a parent died about two years ago. I’ve been supporting her through it best I can. She stopped wanting to go out and cleaned almost compulsively, refusing any help and recleaning things if anyone did help. I’ve tried to be patient and let her have time to grieve whilst being present by her, listening to her, not rushing her. We’d walk the dogs every day and I’d let her vent and talk.

Earlier this year I started encouraging her to reconnect with old friends and take up a hobby or interest and was delighted when she started doing so. It seems she’s taken to going out so much she now wants that full time. I don’t know, I think there’s a lot of factors going on.

To be fully open, I love her as much as when I first met her and am starting to struggle to make sense of anything. This is very painful.

I don’t understand “in love” and “love but not in love”. I just love. Maybe I didn’t tell her enough but it’s always been there in action. To me connections grow stronger with time. Through her cancer, my parents dying, hers, everything we’ve been through together.

I’ll never understand this.

You sound like a really lovely guy and I’m sure one day she will realise the grass isn’t greener. She might have had her head turned by a man, or like you say maybe a lifestyle. When you hit mid life you do start to reassess things and make changes. Sorry this is happening to you. Could you consider moving to a cheaper area of the U.K.?

to me not in love means you don’t fancy your partner anymore, love and respect them as a person / family member but not as a life partner.

@Rob1968 I'm going to be honest- sometimes it does happen and now she's going out and got a bit of cash she suddenly feels like she wants to be young and free again. Getting older and realising that time is finite it can sometimes go that way - in men we call it mid life crisis- in women it tends to go the way you are experiencing. It doesn't mean they hate you it's that they no longer want the same lifestyle- and by the way that's not an awful lot going on- although it may feel that way to you.

There is the other possibility and I hate to say this that she simply doesn't fancy you anymore- for many people they try to push this to the back of their minds and just carry on if they love the person - but others simply can't carry on in a relationship if they are no longer attracted to the person.

I have been in that position- so I understand it.

I think you need to accept it calmly and ask if she wants to stay friends and in touch. It may be some time on her own and she will get time to see how she really feels. Maybe she won't, but do you really want to be with someone who no longer wants to be with you. ? Sometimes some women need that clear space to get something out their system- sometimes it is that they genuinely don't want a relationship anymore. It's hard to hear I know- it doesn't mean she hates you

My own view is if you have enough money in the house and no mortgage, then sell up and rent for 12 months and look into shared ownership if you can't buy outright. It's often ideal for people in your situation- I say rent for 12 months because it may be she may change her mind. Your future isn't hopeless, you can house yourself, you are still working and you sound a very nice chap, if not for her, for someone else. There is a saying that 'when one door closes, another opens' and whilst it's a bit of a cliche, it is often true.

Above all don't get nasty, don't get angry- she's entitled to feel as she does, just as you would be if you were no longer wanting to remain in the relationship- someone is far more likely to think kindly of you if you just accept it and want her to be happy