How to describe ex-sister-in-law for funeral

[IzzyMumDD]

So, my husband's Mum has passed away, and we are trying to give the funeral minister the details of people significant to Mum. Sadly, Mum's eldest son passed away some years ago. Prior to that he had been married to Lorraine (not her real name), who he had left, and divorced, prior to entering a new relationship with Noreen (also not her real name). Mum and Lorraine remained incredibly close despite all this, and we feel Lorraine must get a special mention. She still calls herself the daughter-in-law, but using this description at the funeral would likely cause great offence to Noreen.

Any suggestions for words we can use would be greatly appreciated, as the ideas we've had so far are not working for us. Thank you.

She was your DM's DIL. That still seems like a perfectly accurate description. If Noreen decides to use her MIL's funeral to make a petty issue out of it, well, that reflects on Noreen and no one else.

As part of a group of ‘people who are part of the extended family’?

Former daughter-in-law?

Ex-wife of X?

’Maintained a close relationship with…’

Great friend

Treasured companion?

Special friend?

Friend?

Conpanion?

Do you have to say the relationship at all? Eg could you say something like

'Mums friendship with Lorraine over the years was a great source of enjoyment & comfort, Mum loved the time they spent at Xxxx / on day trips out / at the coffee shops of South London where they shared lots of wonderful memories together'

Or something along those lines?

Just say Lorraine with no reference to a relationship

If you need to name the relationship at all, then former DIL or first DIL might be suitable.

I'm assuming there will also be warm words for the current/second DIL

@IzzyMumDD
Her dear friend Lorraine.

Former DIL or close/supportive friend

This, what matters is what MIL thought of her.

Was their children? If so then Lorraine, x's mum. If not then dear friend works.

How about "with special thanks to Lorraine her first DiL who continued to have a close relationship with her after she split with son, which mum treasured as much as her relationship with her current DiL, Noreen."

A nice thought, but the minister seems to want a list for the prayer.

If there are kids then "Lorraine, mother of her grandchildren" would be fine

So ‘we pray for her sons A and B, her daughter in law Noreen, her sisters x and y, and members of the wider family including Lorraine and Z, and all those who are grieving at this difficult time.

If he is experienced as a minister he should have a formula for this! Blended families aren’t uncommon.

Surely the easiest thing is just to use names only for everyone, not ‘who they are’? Most people will know and if the way don’t it doesn’t really matter.

^ this is the only one I feel is appropriate, L was 1st wife of the deceased’s son

Mentioning she is mother of any of the grandchildren is also fine but the point is she was married into the family in the past

Explain the difficulty to the minister and ask his suggestion?

Her beloved son Paul's first wife

Perfect

To be honest, I think ‘her daughters-in-law IzzyMumDD, Lorraine and Noreen ’ is simplest and best?

So ‘we pray for her sons A and B, her daughter in law Noreen, her sisters x and y, and members of the wider family including Lorraine and Z, and all those who are grieving at this difficult time.

That. She was the deceased's wider family, and no-one can possibly take offense at that description.

Former daughter-in-law.
Keep to strictly correct. You'll probably upset someone otherwise.

well Lorraine is a former DIL and doesn't sound like Noreen was a legal DIL ever.

i'd not mention them all in one sentence. Just include Lorraine at the end if needed with wider friends list.

Or ‘her sons A and B, and those she welcomed into her family including Noreen, Lorraine….’

Her long time friend.

They didn't stay friends because Lorraine used to be married to her son and their friendship shouldn't be reduced to that. It existed independently of her being the former dil.

They were close friends.