Has anyone had an amicable separation/divorce?

[Rainflowers]

Has anyone gone through a separation/ divorce where things were fairly straightforward/amicable and dc were not too negatively affected?

I have read so many threads on here where things are stressful for months/years, with animosity between the adults and children devastated.

I have been thinking of separating/ divorcing from my DH for a couple of years. We have grown apart, and his mental health issues over the years were so hard to live with. I've been through a lot of grief and heartbreak, but I am pretty sure separation is the only option.

I have had a few talks about this with DH and although he doesn't want to split up, and I can't guarantee he would be reasonable, I think he would try to be for the sake of the dc.

Dc are both teenagers at secondary school - I've heard it's best to separate either when the dc are much younger, or when they've left home. So obviously I'm very worried about the effect it would have on them.

I would still like us to do things as a family eg birthdays, Christmas, holidays - maybe I'm being too optimistic though?! I view my DH as a good friend, just one where we are not attracted to each other anymore, and have grown apart, and I think he feels the same way.

It's so sad really, and I'm just worried about making the wrong decision, but equally feel I can't carry on in this marriage. Any positive stories welcomed!

I don't think you are too optimistic. I think you are noble and hoping for a good outcome whilst being sensible, your whole post seems very mature to me and wise and not cynical.

It's easier for people to cut things, whether friendships or relationships, if there is a background story of who's right and who's hurt.

Sometimes marriage is great and it works for a time and then we are in another season where things that used to work doesn't. In other words, it's nobody's fault (in some cases)

No. Sorry but mine was horrific. I tried so hard to make it easy but he was awful. We have zero contact with each other now, after 10 years together. So sad

Personally, I don't really think holidays together would work because then there would be no need for a divorce.

However, it might work to have a trial period of separation or some alone time (a vacation just for you, alone) just to get there incrementally.

I hope others comment with some positive/amicable stories too.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this difficulty period at the moment.

I have a positive story. I was with my ex-H for 20 years, similarly, we drifted apart, he didn’t want to end the marriage, prepared to just plod along forever… (?). I was the one to call it and yes, it was painful for all involved (us, young teenage DC), lots of processes, talks, emotions but we agreed with ex we would always keep DC’s well-being a priority and I can say we have and I’d call the process of splitting amicable and fairly straightforward. DC seem
ok, they still have two loving parents (50:50 split care), me and Ex have remained friends, and life goes on. In a more content way.
OH, and yes, we do have Christmases, Birthdays together. Not holidays.
Good luck OP.

Not my own story but good friends seem to have done it very well. They are 50/50 with their two children and alternate their weeks. Both equally engaged with their kid’s lives, both at events like their birthdays, both on WhatsApp groups when planning group events their children are involved in. Next year we have a camping trip and although it falls in one of their weeks the other parent is coming too as we all get on with both of them. I didn’t know them as well when the divorce was going through and am sure it wasn’t easy, but they seem to have a found a really good, respectful balance of both being in their children’s lives and able to accept things get done differently in each house and able to frequently be around each other.

When I ended my marriage I told my ex we'd always be family but we couldn't carry on as a couple. We've managed to be amicable. I think it's because we know we'll always be in our children's lives so it's being fair to them.

My partner and his ex wife did ok. I mean he ended it which wasn't what she wanted apparently but they focussed on co-parenting their son, made sure there was equity across both houses in terms of both having a decent place to live etc.

Everything very amicable and has been for several years. I think centering their son was the key.

I split up from my husband 6 months ago and so far it’s been amicable although not always easy. I sometimes have to bite my tongue so hard I’m surprised it’s still there! It was my decision to split and he still wants us to get back together so I’m not sure realistically if we can be friends longer term but I want to try. We have 2 teenage sons who actually have coped with the separation really well. We’ve tried to be honest with them, they see their dad a lot and they see us treating each other respectfully and talking positively about each other. At this point I’m proud of all of us.

Mine was as amicable as its possible to be, but it had its painful aspects.

We'd been together for 25 years and our kids were teenagers. Most of the pain involved the kids - they thought we were a perfect family and couldn't understand that a lot of that was a facade. They both had counselling for a few sessions, and they did gradually accept " the new normal ".

Our divorce agreement was very civilised, and we ended up as " fairly" good friends. We both moved on - I got remarried after 5 years and he found a new partner.

I wouldn't recommend planning on joint holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc. You need some space , if you plan on all those joint things you may as well stay married. You can remain friendly, but you both need to move on.

Good luck !

Hello
I can tell you my experience. I was in exactly your situation. Married 20 years, two teens in secondary school. We had been drifting apart for years. I was unhappy, H suffered from depression for years and despite my begging refused help. I wanted out but was terrified. Instead of doing the reasonable thing and splitting up (had tried IC H refused MC and had followed all other advice for trying to repair) I had an affair with my best friend. It was supposed to be a crutch for getting through a hellish part of my marriage but infact just showed me that my spousal love for my H had gone. I then finished my affair and asked H for a separation. He knew nothing of the affair and agreed that I was unhappy, that we'd tried so many times that maybe this time we needed to actually separate. He didn't want it but because he loved me and his children understood that it was needed. So we spilt amicably and went on a "family" holiday together as friends, I helped him with work in his new house, and whilst waiting for it to be ready he slept in the guest room. All very adult and responsible no ?
Then I went away for a weekend and met a guy, had a ONS which he found out about. That's when he went mental had a breakdown and decided he didn't want a separation. He went through my stuff and discovered that I had also had an affair and the shit hit the fan. Since then the separation and divorce have been more than unpleasant. He can't bear to look at me. Has a breakdown if we talk (so only text) etc. We tried doing DD 's birthday together at a restaurant and it was awful. We try so hard for the kids to make it reasonable but he is incapable, beside himself with anger over the whole thing. At least now, 18 months on, he is no longer suicidal.

So what was it that flipped from this great post separation co-parenting idyll to this hell we now deal with ? Was it the realisation that I was moving on (ONS) and that the separation was, in fact, real ? Or was it the discovery of my, quite rightly, unpardonable affair?
You haven't had an affair (or if you did you don't say) so if it was that then you're good. If it was because he was in denial and my ONS made it real then maybe just be warned about how you act for a while after the split.
The kids both reacted very differently. DD had/is having an incredibly difficult time accepting and dealing with this (I am trying to encourage her to go to therapy) DS has blossomed, matured and I can honestly say that for him our separation was the best thing that could have happened for him. They both see their dad regularly but only stay over at his every other weekend.

Just to add that obviously your ideal outcome would be the separation you describe but second best sounds like a separation anyway. Staying would be a living death, and maybe you would finish up doing what I did too. Believe me I was never the type to cheat. It was a hell of a come down for miss high and mighty "I am not a POS that would ever do that to someone else i have morals and standards". I have had to review my opinions and judgements somewhat.

@Flyingfoxgirl I appreciate your honesty and your openness. I fully agree, it's easy to judge unless you walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

@cassiatwenty Thank you! I like what you said about sometimes marriage works and then we are in another season where it doesn't. That is the case for me and my DH - I just feel we have grown in different directions.

And yes, I do think it may be easier to finish things if there is one who is right and one who is wrong - for a time I almost wished that my DH would have an affair so there would be a "reason" to end the marriage (now I don't feel like that, but I think it was just me trying to find a way to give myself permission to end things).

@Theonlywayisup1 I'm so sorry to hear that. It's what everyone dreads may happen with a divorce. However much we want things to be amicable I guess we can't control the other person's reactions. I hope things are better for you now.

@Beelips Thank you for sharing your experience. That does sound very familiar, my DH would also be happy for us to plod along forever!

I'm sure that some pain is unavoidable with this process, but that's really good to hear that your dc are now ok and you and your ex are friends.

@Loubelou14 I really like that "We'd always be family but we couldn't carry on as a couple". That's how I feel too. I'm glad things are now amicable for you.

I've been divorced twice. Both super amicable. My biggest advice is that no amount of money is worth either of yours or your children's mental health.

Most people fall out over money. Once you are sensible about that it all makes it much easier. For example, I learnt more than my kids Dad, he literally couldn't afford to pay me maintenance, so we agreed that he wouldn't pay me any, he would claim the child benefit and tax credits. The kids would live between us (spending time wherever they wanted, no set times) and we would split things like school uniform costs.

It was perfect for us. We are good friends and our families are really close. Ex DH and his gf went on holiday recently and ended up going out for the day with my parents who also happened to be holidaying in the same place.

It's not always easy. We fall out sometimes but we don't hold grudges and move on easily.

@ShippingNews I'm sorry it was difficult for the kids - this is what I'm worried about. I'm glad they have accepted it now. I guess going through difficult times, as long as they have support and love, could potentially make them more resilient, as no one can avoid difficult times in life. I know none of us would choose to put our kids through this, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

Glad to hear that the process was as amicable as possible and you are now fairly good friends with your ex.

I am still perfectly friendly with my ex. We have been separated for 1.5 years now and live near each other so our children can easily see us both. Two live with me and one with him for now but soon all three will be with me.
We got all the drama out of the way a decade before we separated when the youngest was 19. We had stayed together living separate lives for financial and childcare reasons so for me it was a relief when we separated. I don’t think he would have chosen to. Too much upheaval!
We still help each other out. Have Christmas together. Meals out with the children.
maybe our situation isn’t typical as neither of us are with anyone else. He is a decent man and although I had very very good reasons for leaving I hope he is happy.
The main impact is financial. It is SO expensive to halve your assets and buy two homes.
I must get around to divorcing him when I get a minute!

@Flyingfoxgirl Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes my situation does sound very similar to yours! I've been with DH for 20 years and he has suffered with his mental health throughout which has put a huge strain on our marriage.

We both had individual and marriage counselling but to no avail.

I don't judge you at all (or anyone else) for having an affair in this situation. I too used to have high moral standards and may have judged in the past, but having lived through this type of marriage, it's difficult for someone to understand the loneliness and misery unless they have been through it.

No, I haven't had an affair, but over the past year I have met a couple of men who I have connected with, and where there was a bit of a spark, who actually seemed interested in me as a person and kind and caring. Nothing at all happened but I guess it just reinforced my feeling about my marriage, as basically I feel I am totally invisible as far as my DH is concerned!

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH's reaction - maybe he was in denial up to that point, or maybe he was so hurt about the affair (I'm not saying I don't understand why it happened because I do). Hopefully he will become less angry over time as that must be very difficult to deal with.

Gosh that's interesting to hear that your kids both reacted differently, I guess we can't predict these things. I hope your DD is ok - as you say therapy can be a good way to express emotions and come to terms with everything.

All the best to you and thanks again for sharing your story.

Yes I’ve had an amicable split with ex - 5 years on and it’s been fine. Yes sometimes have had to bite my tongue but nothing major! Kids were 8 and 3 at the time but we’ve put them first and I honestly think they’ve been fine with how things are. We still do birthdays and Xmas together but not holidays. I’m with someone new who has to accept that I’m still good friends with ex who still comes to the house regularly but luckily new partner can see how important it is for the children and both of them get along ok. It did help we managed to split and divorce without getting solicitors involved. Had one free appointment with them and can see how their involvement can quickly ramp up tensions!

I think it's hard. You can be as reasonable and amicable as possible but it depends on how the other person is. We have tried to so hard with my DHs ex wife but she has always been determined to make things difficult. I'm not sure why. She needed the marriage and we got together 4 years later but it is what it is. You can only do the best from your perspective and hope the other person is similarly reasonable.
I have every hope for you because I do believe it can work.

Yes. We separated at the end of 2016 and still went on the holiday we had booked for July 2017. We actually had a really good time as we felt the pressure was off and we could all do our own thing

Several years down the line, we are still friends. We’ve both had other relationships and been honest with each other. We help each other out when needed.

When we split our DD was 11 so we agreed to work together to make his life as comfortable as possible. He’s now nearly 19 and because we’ve been so adult and amicable, he knows we both have his back.

I do think unless there’s abuse or infidelity, then it’s in the best interests of everyone to be amicable if you can.

Just to add we were together 25 years before we split.

My split was relatively amicable and we are still friendly. We do birthday celebrations together and I often stay for a coffee and a chat when I'm collecting the DC. We attend open evenings/parents' evening etc together as well. The DC are fine and don't seem to have been massively affected by it (I often think this is partly because we are still able to do these things and still get on quite well).
We as individuals are much happier as well - the marriage had become toxic. We are both now with other partners and things are much better than they were when we were married.
Good luck with whatever you decide, but, in my experience, it is possible for things to be amicable.

Yeah we're best friends and go on holidays together, hang out, help each other out etc. Together 15 years and have 2 kids

We’re fairy amicable. No maintenance. Kids spend their time between houses. I get chid benefit/ Uc as he earns more. I do the activities and pay for them though. Both tend to buy for children as they need stuff.