Has anyone had an amicable separation/divorce?

[Rainflowers]

Has anyone gone through a separation/ divorce where things were fairly straightforward/amicable and dc were not too negatively affected?

I have read so many threads on here where things are stressful for months/years, with animosity between the adults and children devastated.

I have been thinking of separating/ divorcing from my DH for a couple of years. We have grown apart, and his mental health issues over the years were so hard to live with. I've been through a lot of grief and heartbreak, but I am pretty sure separation is the only option.

I have had a few talks about this with DH and although he doesn't want to split up, and I can't guarantee he would be reasonable, I think he would try to be for the sake of the dc.

Dc are both teenagers at secondary school - I've heard it's best to separate either when the dc are much younger, or when they've left home. So obviously I'm very worried about the effect it would have on them.

I would still like us to do things as a family eg birthdays, Christmas, holidays - maybe I'm being too optimistic though?! I view my DH as a good friend, just one where we are not attracted to each other anymore, and have grown apart, and I think he feels the same way.

It's so sad really, and I'm just worried about making the wrong decision, but equally feel I can't carry on in this marriage. Any positive stories welcomed!

We'd been together 11 years. Our separation wasn't amicable at first. I'd say it took him 2 years to calm down! But since then we get on ok and we went on holiday together with our DD twice during covid.
He doesn't need to give me maintenance, but gives £100 a month and I take 50% of whatever my daughter has needed. It sits in a separate account.
We would still happily do meals out, holidays etc, but my ExH now has a GF, so it's stopped.

I'm best friends with my DDs dad. He spends every Xmas eve here and we go places together and have a very great co-parenting agreement. We just fell out of love. We have been split for over 12 years now and my DD is 14 and would hate for us to get back together! I'm currently going through separation number 2 and we will remain friends as we have a dog to share for the next 12 years so I can see us being the same.

It can be amicable but this can go out of the window if you become involved with other people too soon.

My ex husband and I have a great relationship. I see him as family - I love him like a brother. He’s every bit as annoying, the idea of snogging him is wrong - but I still love him. It’s familial. His new partner is very welcoming of me and my son, and my husband. We go out for meals, I’m going to their wedding. It’s really important to me that the message to my son is that his family got bigger. There’s just more people to love him now.

It can easily be done if the split is for non-toxic reasons.

We split up in February and it has been extremely amicable so far. Helped no doubt by the fact that we had enough money for me to move out. I have the kids about 60% of the time as I'm a teacher and he works longer hours. They are 13, 15 and nearly 17 and they're coping fine with the two homes and seem happy.

Things were bad for a while when he finally realised no reconciliation was possible: he became much more verbally aggressive and controlling, but I worked really hard to keep things cordial, I sent him emails explaining my position and expressing hope that we would get back to a positive parenting relationship. It worked, and he stopped being a dick.

We're not friends but we're very friendly towards each other.

We go out for family meals for the kids' birthdays (2 recently, 1 planned for next week) and I think we all enjoy them. We might have Christmas dinner together but will definitely cooperate so that kids see both of us on the day. He is a far better parenting partner to me now than he was before we split up, and a better dad to the kids, too.

Very amicable one here, split up when DS now 16 was 3. Did a couple of holidays together when he was 4 and 6 just for ease. Still get on fine now and did Xmas 2020 together due to lockdown meaning we couldn't really mix with many people. Always did parents evenings together etc and 50/50 on almost everything financially.

Some of it was circumstantial though - we lived close when separated and had almost identical wages so there was no sense of financial disparity so there's always going to be things you can't control. My cousin divorced from a lovely bloke (no kids) yet he turned disgustingly petty when it came to the finances.

My split was not amicable and my exH was (is) abusive and controlling but to the outside world and hopefully the kids it seems quite amicable.

We attend school prizegivings etc together (when ex H can be bothered to show up), we don’t badmouth each other to the kids, kids’ birthdays are spent together and Christmas this year (first year) will be the same (ex H will come over in the morning for presents and breakfast … he never bothered to get up on Christmas morning anyway so no much difference).

He has been utterly vile over the split, controlling and psycho, a shit father and has reamed me for every penny over the split negotiation. But our fights are now via text/email and the kids (5 & 8) aren’t exposed to them. When you’ve been putting on a mask to hide an unhappy marriage, masking to feign an amicable divorce is easy!

Of course there may be some that a genuinely amicable but having lived through it now I’m increasingly convinced that people often claim splits are amicable when they are not. Most people don’t go through the stress/trauma/financial impact of divorce simply because their partner is a nice person that they don’t fancy madly any more. Usually the issues are much more serious.

Thank you all very much for your posts. It seems like the consensus is that as long as both parents are focussed on the dc's wellbeing as the priority and there is no abuse or infidelity, then an amicable split is possible. All your stories have given me hope - thank you again!

My divorce was carnage as OW involved (in every aspect !). We hate each other, 7 years on and it's pretty miserable.

Yes still friendly years on. My kids were older though. Helps if both parties are in a similar position re the relationship at the split

We are doing a joint trip next year for specific reasons, my dp and he's welcome to bring someone (none last that long so it's a maybe). I would not expect it to be a regular thing though and same goes Christmas etc because once others are in the equation you need to accept changes

No there was infidelity but worked through properly and we're still very close and best friends, holidays etc.

Hi @Rainflowers . I have just joined Mumsnet for the first time in the hopes of finding someone in the same position as me - and here you are! Your story at the top of this thread could very much be my own. Absolutely the same situation, and absolutely hoping for the same outcome. In fact, my DH and I are talking to our teenage sons (14 &16) tonight about our separation. Can I ask whether you made a final decision? Really hopes things are turning out well for you. For me, it's taken huge courage to get to this point, and I am very nervous about what the next 6-12 months will look like. But I am dreadfully unhappy and cant go on in the marriage any longer. Take care x

An amicable split was entirely possible when I left my ex husband, and would have saved so much pain and distress. Unfortunately he didn't see it that way so he made that impossible. Better to try to destroy the ex wife (me) than lose face with his family.

Luckily he didn't succeed and I'm happy. He isn't.

Hi @EllaPepper . I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I am still sure that I want to go ahead with the separation, but nothing has changed yet. Since I started this thread I've had a lot of conversations with my DH - he swings between being angry and devastated. He is also being very resistant to moving ahead with anything.

We have both agreed that he will be the one who moves out (I suggested selling the family home so we both have a new, smaller place but he doesn't want to.) So he's going to move out. But the problems he is coming up with are endless - rent on a new place is too expensive, he won't be able to find a place he likes etc. Not to mention him endlessly guilt tripping me about how the dc are going to be heartbroken, I'm ruining their lives etc.

He has been telling me recently that he will change and work on himself, he brought me flowers, he'll do anything to keep the family together. I've heard it all before, and know that nothing is going to change. But I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted and ground down by it all.

We agreed to put everything on hold over Christmas, but now that's over I need to find a time to talk to him, and try to work things out moving forward. I would love him to move out in January, but I just don't know how I'm going to get him to do it. And we'll need to tell the dc beforehand.

I really understand what you mean when you say it has taken huge courage for you to get to this point - I'd say its the most devastating situation I've ever been in. How is your DH, is he on board with it all? I hope so, as I think that would definitely make everything easier. I really hope all goes ok tonight when you talk to your sons.

I’ve been trying to maintain an amicable relationship with my ex husband who I split from 7 months but I’m starting to think that isn’t going to continue to be possible. I’m moving on, starting to think about dating whereas he still wants us to get back together and keeps telling me how hard he’s finding everything, how he has no life etc which makes me feel awful for him. I think you need to be in the same place emotionally or at least to respect how each other feels enough to maintain a healthy distance.

I split from my DH in September 2022. He didn't/wouldn't/couldn't move out - mental health issues etc. So he ended up staying in the house wirh DS (17) and I moved out in February 2023.

We're almost divorced, about 10 weeks or so to go I think.

We're amicable, haven't really fallen out at all. Borrowed a mattress over xmas, have borrowed the electric drill etc. We do kids birthdays together (have 2 DC, one is at uni). Kids super accepting of the situation and say they want us both to be happy and that if that means splitting so be it. Doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty and awful and like a failure, but guess that comes with the territory.

Me and ex H talk regularly, even whatsapp for advice if needed. Both have moved on and are in new relationships.

morning @Rainflowers.thanks for your reply. talking to the boys was very challenging - one cried a lot, one sulked off. have never felt guilt like it in my life. my husband and i are going to trial 'nest boxing' - we've rented another property and will alternate between the two leaving the boys in the main family home. don't know if it will work, but will give the boys the best chance of stability i think. on a positive note, i think breaking the news was absolutely the worst moment of this whole thing, but now we can all move forwards together. i feel (naively?) optimistic that tomorrow will be better than today, and so on. hope you're doing ok x