Top tips for coping please (with cheating husband)

[HappyasLarrynot]

As per the title, what are your top tips for dealing with things please?

(Background - husband caught out this week and he will not disclose anything in terms of how long things have been going on, where he met her, why he told me he worked with her when he doesn’t etc).

I am trying desperately hard to not look at his social media etc and to not think about it all constantly but I’m struggling and just keep bursting into tears. I’m trying to channel then anger and all that but if anyone has any tips please can you let me know as today is going to be particularly tricky and I need to get through it without screaming and shouting at him.

You don’t need to know the ins and outs, just kick him out.

Weird question - why do you need to cope? Why can't you scream and shout at him?

Why should you be managing and hiding the emotions and pain he's caused by his doing? Especially if he's not being forthcoming about it!

Honestly the only thing I can think of doing is trying to go for the calm anger approach - focus on why you're angry (him), remember that it's not your problem or fault, try to channel the anger into productive actions (do something physically tough if you can). Try and centre the anger within you for energy rather than letting it out through tears / shouting. I do find verbalising can also help, but if that's not good, type your words into your phone! Channel it into an epic rant in your notes section, that can feel cathartic.

Knowing won’t make you feel better plus he’s a fucking liar so you won’t get the full truth anyway just an edited censored version to suit him.

Don’t get caught up in the detail, the fact is you need to kick him out. Reconciling after cheating only works with genuine remorse honestly and respect, none of that here sadly.

1. Open bin
2. Put husband in the bin
3. Close bin

I’m sorry he has done this to you, OP.

Thank you - one of my children is in the house currently hence not wanting to scream and shout, and to be fair I did do quite a bit of shouting on the night I worked it all out. I just need to get through today without falling to bits.

@AnnaTortoiseshell omg thank you that has made me laugh

In the words of my therapist "sit with uncertainty" don't access his social media no matter how much you want to. It won't give you what you are looking for. If he is withholding information there is zero chance of reconciliation. Allow yourself to go through the grief cycle and look after you. Make sure you are eating properly, get time outdoors in nature, exercise and do what makes you happy. You will get through this. His affair is his responsibility and is no reflection on you.

@orangegato its definitely the end of the relationship and in many ways you are right, knowing won’t help, but despite wanting to know, I don’t want to let him know I want to know (if that makes sense!) hence asking for coping strategies 😂

Thank you @ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd that makes a lot of sense. I have to go to something later that is something we used to do together and it’s going to be really tricky - I think I might give my phone to a friend so I don’t get tempted to look on SM or post stupid things myself.

So sorry OP. How did you find out?

Get your child up and dressed, pack a back pack of snacks and get the yourselves off to a museum or something to distract you from this mindfuck. Tell him nothing, just go. Come back later with a clearer head and demand the truth - if he won't give you that, pack his bags and tell him to leave. You need some headspace, tip toeing round this will be far too detrimental

A solicitor.

I'm sorry.

Ducks in a row: get copies of bank statements and pensions
Start asking for recommendations for a divorce lawyer
I know you don't want to scream and shout because of dc but being quiet could be to your advantage. Quietly get on with getting rid of him.
Get real life support from friends and family
See if you can get him to move out "temporarily" tell him it's best for the kids not to have the fighting/ atmosphere. He will probably get on with shagging, let him.
Can he help with the kids without living there? Pick them up from school or nursery.
Acknowledge to self this is fucking terrible but plus side is you deserve better and you just have to go through this pain to get to a better life.

agree with this

I was like you and he wouldn’t tell me. I searched and put words into his mouth which to him seemed better than the truth so he went along with it. I found out a few months later that it was another lie. So my advice is don’t put things in their mouth because they’ve already lied so much so they can easily carry out more lies. It is hard because you feel like your reality has been smashed to pieces. I would stay away from him and just say ‘when you’re willing to tell me the truth then I’ll listen but until then I’m not speaking to you’. Let him process it all and see what happens. Stay strong x

Best thing you can do is get shot of him and get on with your life. The finer details will not change what he has done. Get yourself pulled together and get your paperwork in order, apply for benefits if you need too, speak to a solicitor and live your best life.

You deserve better OP, so sorry you are going through this.

Well, on finding the evidence l kicked mine out (after he'd finally admitted the truth) He left with his clothes in a bin bag.

Get hold of everything you need then boot his backside out the door. Make sure that today you take 50%of any joint accounts.

I think it's worth thinking about what you would find on SM - they went to your favourite restaurant once, he took her for a weekend away, he's met her kids - is any of that sort of thing actually going to make you feel better? Or is it juts going to end up making you feel worse? You can't change it or stop it. Finding more and more out just stops you from moving forward, it keeps you caught up in the whole miserable thing.

Distraction, distraction, distraction. Avoid drinking. Get a safe space to let your emotions out (counsellor perhaps). Take small steps to move forward. Give yourself time to grieve and accept that it will take considerable time to get over a betrayal like this completely - possibly even years - but you will get there.

Hi op,

Firstly I'm sorry you've found yourself in this shitty situation through no fault of your own. This is all on him so don't let your mind tell you otherwise.

When I found out about my exh's affair I kept my anger in because I knew if I unleashed it it wouldn't end well. When I discovered the evidence of the affair he was actually out of the house and I am glad he was as I don't think in that second I would have controlled myself.

I kicked him straight out. I had seen all I needed to confirm what he was doing and for me that was absolutely enough to tell me all I needed to know. I didn't dig further into, I didn't need the details, though I can respect that this may feel differently for you right now.

No tips really apart from get the ball rolling and ducks in rows. Get all the info you need, financials and such and get yourself a good divorce lawyer. Lean on friends and family and cut the fucker out.

A year on and I am in a much better place. Things are tough at times but I knew I would never be able to trust him again and for me that was enough. Living a life full of lies is not a truly happy life. I hope you find the strength you need. You will get there and things will get better.

Ask him to leave today and tell the kids he's had to go away for work. You need some space to let the shock wear off.

Kick him out! He’s a liar and a cheat! Why would you want this dirty man in your house! He won’t even tell you the full truth about her/when it’s happened etc so he’s protecting her! What he’s done is unforgivable! You deserve better! You need to get angry and the anger will see you through this!! You do nothing then he will keep seeing her!

Says it all he's still being secretive after being caught...

@Daffodil18 thank you - hope you are doing ok now x

@AngelAurora thank you - just letting myself do whatever today and then it’s big girl pants on tomorrow and crack on with starting to sort what I need to.