Top tips for coping please (with cheating husband)

[HappyasLarrynot]

As per the title, what are your top tips for dealing with things please?

(Background - husband caught out this week and he will not disclose anything in terms of how long things have been going on, where he met her, why he told me he worked with her when he doesn’t etc).

I am trying desperately hard to not look at his social media etc and to not think about it all constantly but I’m struggling and just keep bursting into tears. I’m trying to channel then anger and all that but if anyone has any tips please can you let me know as today is going to be particularly tricky and I need to get through it without screaming and shouting at him.

@Cas112 yes. He still has her number in his contacts so that says it all really.

@ZenNudist thank you

@itsmyp4rty thank you - totally agree hence trying to keep myself off social media. I’m managing it mostly but wobbling a bit hence asking for tips …. Have some work that needs doing so trying to focus on that.

@LolaMontezz thank you. And I’m sorry you’ve been there also. I know I need to let go of needing to know the details and that that need will fade eventually but right now it’s so so hard not to go upstairs and shout in his face. I won’t, because it won’t help but in my head I’d like to.

My instant thoughts are these:-

• seek legal advise asap
• get STI tested
• get copy of leave a cheater gain a life and read it from cover to cover
• start a diary and if you can get into counselling when you’re ready
• kick him out or totally grey rock him (kids and finances only conversation) - whether you decide to stay or go in the future i really am an advocate for making them face up to the reality)
• get yourself onto surviving infidelity and read their 180 which is a strategy for emotional detachment and to help you find some space
• seek lots of emotional support from those that love you, if your child is seeing this and your pain, be age appropriately honest about what is happening to your child so if there are raised voices they’re not going to blame themselves.

You’re at the very start of your journey and it’s a long and tumultuous boat ride. Self care is your primary focus. You’re probably in shock right now but that can give way to emotions that may be very unfamiliar to you. Be prepared and take it moment by moment.

Right now it doesn’t matter what he is up to or doing, he has proved himself an unsafe partner for you. Focus on being your own best friend and not letting his narrative become yours.

Don’t let him blameshift or find excuses in your marriage. Affairs like this are pure selfishness and entitlement with a whole heap of dark part of the soul being stick plastered over. Very little to do with love for the affair partner and absolutely nothing to do with you not meeting his ‘needs’.

I’m so sorry you have to be so brave today when it’s evident you want to break. You have our thoughts behind you!

I felt the same @HappyasLarrynot I distracted myself with getting all the adult things in order and focusing on the DC as much as I could. I think I shut down and just had blinkers on.

Him holding onto this info and continually lying to you is a last ditch attempt at controlling the situation. Let him have it and you take control now. As other posters have said, the information will only bring you further hurt. I think it's very common for us to want to try to find a reason why or by somehow having all the information will make it make sense. I came to accept that no amount of information would have made it any clearer because he was not the sort of person I am. I never would have destroyed my family or hurt my DC in that way. Get angry by all means, just try to channel it so you can break away and make the best life for you and your DC away from him.