When does the pain go?

[Psychoticbreak]

We broke up some months ago and I just miss him still so much. I thought we were going to be together forever but clearly not. I am awake again this morning and tears are flowing, I am just so sad. The heartbreaking thing is the arguments could have been prevented but our communication style was so different and while we had been talking now he has gone silent on me. I know he cant be the one for me if he has hurt me this much but I just feel so sad and feel like I am grieving the loss of him. I just want to feel happy again but the tears just will not stop falling :(

So you'd been talking since splitting up? No wonder you haven't healed. Or at least begun to.

At least a year. And you need to have no contact.

We had to be in contact for varying reasons as we have ties together but no kids thankfully, God a year of this pain I just cannot do it. I feel like my heart is in a million pieces. I had a good day yesterday but today I feel like I could drown in my own tears.

It took me 6 months to start to clear my head and not cry. Before that point I felt like I was going to feel awful forever. Don’t worry you will get there x

I have to occassionally message my ex about 1 very specific thing. I keep it civilised but pretty blunt, straight to the point, no please or thank yous and zero emotion. He responds the same. It's pretty awful, given that we shared a life for 20 years but he was abusive and vile at the latter part of the relationship and it's the only way I can deal with it. It's nearly a year since we split and it's still painful but much less raw. I never cry about it now and he's not always on my mind. It takes time but you do have to be really strict with yourself too and force yourself to not wallow. Every time you drift off in to thoughts of him, make yourself stop and go do something else. I also wrote down all the bad stuff he did (there was a lot!) and I read it everytime I felt sad.

So sorry you are struggling OP, at the time the pain seems relentless but as the days pass it will fade l promise you. First thing to do though is to block him on everything except email if you really have to be in contact. Don't torture yourself by looking at his social media. Distract yourself by whatever means possible and try not to overthink on what could have been, the less headspace you give him the better. Keep busy, see family and friends, and do some nice things for yourself. You will get there, and eventually you won't think about him at all.

God a year of this pain I just cannot do it

To be blunt, how are you going to not do it? How does that go?

If you think back a month or two, you'll remember that you didn't even want to feel better: you felt like crap, but recovering would have felt like an insult to him, to your relationship. It would have felt like 'letting go', and you didn't want to.

Now, you just want it all over, you're ready, to the point of frustration, to move on.

Recognise this as progress. I'm sure that, to start with, you had a spell where you didn't even accept that it was true, right? Let alone want to get over it. You're on a journey. It has lots of steps that hurt, but you've done lots of them already. You're moving forwards. You're not 'stuck'.

Posts that say 'It takes x time' are pointless. It takes as long as it takes for you, with your experiences and your personality, after your relationship and your break up^. Nobody can tell you. But if you're utterly fed up with being miserable, you're closer to the end of miserable than you think. We all recover, once we're sick of being not recovered.

It might be worth having a look inwards, and working out why this one man, this one, random chap, is shaping your life. Why aren't you? What do you do on a regular basis, with the sole focus of making yourself feel good? What did you do for that sole purpose, when you were in a relationship with him?

That’s hard- I really feel for you.
It will get better but at the moment it’s raw grief. Try to concentrate on taking one day/hour/minute at a time, living in the present if possible and try to distract yourself from doing scenarios in your head. It wastes so much energy x

Time time time. But unfortunately a hell of a lot of time. Keep kicking x

Thank you all for your words, did not want to ignore the thread but I was barely hanging on by one myself yesterday.

I emailed him about something yesterday morning and his response made me think what a prick. He was rude and abrasive and honestly I deserve better but then I see he was out 'with the lads' last night and they took a pic to post publicly and the state of him. He has actually aged in the past few months and I just thought I can do so so much better than you. So much better. I know I will have ups and downs but his response plus looking at the hack of his face kinda gave me the ick.

Onwards and upwards.

I was devastated when me and my ex broke up. I was still missing him after 6 months and thought that feeling would never go away and I'd never be able to move on. Anyway, I did, not sure how long it took but he came up in conversation the other day and neither me or my friend could remember his name 😅

You need to have no contact. It's the only thing that will work. I know it's brutal but it's needed. It took me a year to get over my last heartbreak. It feels like it will never stop but I promise it does. Remember it's just a feeling, it will ease in time I promise. Sending all my love, it's horrible I know xxx

I thought I was doing so well and then something happened last night and the waves of sadness came over me as i just wanted him to talk to. I know I have friends and family but I just wanted him. I miss his friendship so much :(

OP all the time you are having contact and thinking and talking about him you will feel that pain. You must disengage to get over him, NC is the only way. He is not your friend, just remember the abrasive way he spoke to you that you mentioned. He has moved on and you must too. He is really not that special!

We are not in touch but I just wish I could pick up the phone and talk to him. I know I cant but he was always the first person I called on when something happened and it is a hard habit to break.

Hope you are ok OP. I am going through a similar situation and am now on day 2 NC after blocking my ex. He also went very quiet on me, one word answers and barely conversing. I spent 3 weeks in despair and confusion before finally blocking him after I forced an answer from him (he told me I need to move on)
Just remember this guy doesn't define you. He isn’t the devil, but he’s also not your flawless soulmate prince and your end game. He’s just a man - one who is flawed and clearly doesn't seem to care about your feelings.
One thing I always try and remind myself is that there's only one of him in the world and every single other female on the globe is fine and living there lives without him, so why can't I? He's not that special.
You had a life before him and you will have one after. I've been watching a loads of YouTube videos on how to get over breakups, letting go of toxic men, why you need to block him. I've found them really comforting and they help bring me down when I'm feeling anxious and help me put things in perspective x

No contact and time and healing

if you are seeing he had a lads night ? How ?

this is torture !

no contact means blocking any single source of visibility , so that includes friends who tag him

the thing to remember is heartbreak is a universal condition

right now there will be millions of other people feeling like this .

They all feel like you do and you will all in time heal but it takes time and it takes processing and

no bloody contact !

Sundaycoffee

lovely post and helped me !

@Sundaycoffee lovely post thank you. Thank all of you for responding. I just some days feel like my heart will break as I thought he was my forever and I am finding it hard to reconcile the fact he is not but I know one day it will get easier/.

Another massive sad day yesterday. I made the mistake of contacting him and he has ignored me. Why can I not get over him?

You can't get over him because contact with him offers you something that you need. What is it? Answer that, and you'll be able to start looking into how to provide it for yourself. What happens inside you when you need to contact him? What feeling is it you're looking for?

I've been in a similar position this year, and I think the best thing is to just view it as a process. When I feel sad, I let it come, and then it goes again of its own accord. It's worked for me to recognise the emotion, and know that in this moment I can't do better, but then let that go.

No contact - working on it. Been three days which is the longest we've ever gone. No wonder I feel like I can't escape it all.

Solidarity!!

How long were you together op?

My marriage ended a few years ago, out of the blue (for me at least) and 6 years later I am happily in a relationship of 4 years with someone else but honestly? I still get sad sometimes. Not tears sad but sad at what we had (a mostly good marriage for 13 years, him in my life for 23 years, two children, many mutual friends) ending with no warning.

It was this time of year we got married and also this time of year we separated so I feel it more at this time every year.

The good thing for you is that you don't have children together and aren't married (I assume) so you have the gift of never having to see him again. That may feel scary but believe me, it will allow you to heal more quickly. I have had to see/speak to my ex on an almost daily basis since we split due to the dc and divorce proceedings.

You can't count on anything or anyone being forever op but you can enjoy what you have while you have it and be glad you had it if it ends. There are other things waiting for you but you need to let go of your past to get there.

What I want is what we had. We were so so amazing together till something happened a couple of months ago and I just feel like I am grieving for us. Im just so sad all of the time.