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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating

42 replies

Lostsoul222 · 18/11/2023 01:19

I am absolutely beside myself, I never thought I would do this but I drunkenly kissed someone at my Christmas party, my partner and I have been together 5 years but have been arguing quite a bit lately and I’ve been super stressed as my mum was diagnosed with late stage cancer, I know this is not an excuse I am disgusted with myself, I don’t understand why I self sabotage, I hate myself and I love him so much. Do I tell him? I just know he won’t forgive me and everything going on with my mum I just can’t handle not having him around. - I’m really unsure what do from here.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/11/2023 01:58

If it was him, would you want to know? I would.

bossybloss · 18/11/2023 02:00

I wouldn’t tell him … x

AutumnDay90 · 18/11/2023 02:06

Well will he ever find out if you DONT tell him what will that look like...

Telling him may ease some guilt in you but is it worth it?

LadyLolaRuben · 18/11/2023 02:08

Sharing this info isn't going to help anyone. Dont burden him with it but vow never to do it again to him

Sashya · 18/11/2023 02:14

Stupid drunk mistake - and not an end of the world all things considered - just means you are human. And under a lot of pressure.
Put more energy into your relationship and spend time with your mom. So sorry about her diagnosis.
And do NOT tell your partner. Not helpful and will only hurt him unnecessarily. You already feel bad and maybe it's what you need to jolt yourself to trying to resolve whatever issues you have

yhk · 18/11/2023 03:53

This same question has been asked multiple times, with a large amount of people advising not to tell their partner of their infidelity.

However, I have seen people multiple times advising somebody to 'LTB' after discovering that their partner has done the same that you have.

You have broken the circle of trust that you and your partner were in.

I would advise you to tell him, so that he is fully aware of who he is in a relationship with and who he may potentially marry one day.

Maybe the guilt will eat you up and you will tell him. Maybe it'll get back to him from a third party. Your best bet is to come clean as soon as possible.

user1492757084 · 18/11/2023 03:59

Tell him you got drunk and you feel terrible being drunk..

Next day tell him that someone saw you kissing XXX.
Tell him you dislike XXX and you are disgusted in yourself.
Verify that nothing else happened.

Ask for forgivenes and do not get drunk again.

Ndd135632 · 18/11/2023 05:08

Don’t tell him and take it as a warning to yourself to not let your boundaries slip again. Work on your relationship.

SpringIntoChaos · 18/11/2023 07:11

So what happens next time you get drunk? And the time after that?

Being drunk isn't an excuse...so don't try and excuse your behaviour by using this!

I don't care one way or another whether you tell your partner, but pleas stop with the excuses and fix what's clearly wrong in your life that makes you behave this way.

Daffodil18 · 18/11/2023 07:30

After being cheated on I can tell you that it’s much better your partner coming clean. Finding out from elsewhere is so much more traumatic. If you tell him yourself when you don’t have to, it can help to keep the trust alive.

HappyasLarrynot · 18/11/2023 07:43

Exactly what @Daffodil18 and @AlmostAJillSandwich said. I’m on the back end of cheating and it’s made worse by the fact that he won’t admit what he did. I’d want to know. Just be honest.

Whentheboatcomein · 18/11/2023 07:51

He deserves to know, he should have all the information to then decide if he is willing to continue his life with you.

The truth will out, it always does, and it’s better coming from you first.

MrLbz · 18/11/2023 08:06

I would want you to tell me if I was your partner.

Original poster
Lostsoul222 · 18/11/2023 09:16

Thanks for the advice all, I feel like a piece of sh*t today I know if I tell him it will be over which is what I deserve to be honest. I can’t believe I could be so stupid

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsoul222 · 18/11/2023 20:45

I would also like to add, I feel very taken advantage of, almost like I didn’t consent. I kept saying I have to go I have to go and he kept saying stay, let’s carry on the party at mine, I don’t remember much then coming to and frantically ordering an Uber and calling my partner about 25 times. I feel this awful shame too. I vaguely remember him kissing me and then me clearly freaking out after a few seconds. We work together too, I just want this nightmare to be over. My partner is my safe person I don’t know what I’d do without him

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 18/11/2023 20:49

This sounds like you didn't consent to the kiss. This changes everything. Are you sure nothing else happened?

Original poster
Lostsoul222 · 18/11/2023 21:06

I’m like 99% sure nothing else happened. I don’t want to ask as I don’t think I want to know. I feel so disgusted with myself, I can’t sleep, eat I just want to cry all the time

OP posts:
Toastess · 18/11/2023 21:19

OP, it sounds like you didn't fully consent. I don't think I'd call that cheating - I'd consider it assault.

If my partner cheated, I'd want to end the relationship. If my partner was assaulted or coerced, I would feel very differently.

Original poster
Lostsoul222 · 18/11/2023 21:31

Absolutely I know he would be so so mad, he would probably want to kill him. I know this because unfortunately a friend of mine was spiked and assaulted and we have discussed before how we both felt about that. I have so many things swirling in my head now, like what if he did spike me ?! And if he didn’t why didn’t he just put me in and Uber and let me go home like I said so many times. Why would you take advantage of someone who is so drunk? I called Samaritans yesterday as I just needed to talk to someone and get it out, Fortunately I have a call with my GP this week so I am going to ask to be referred to speak to a therapist, I feel so awful. Thanks for responding to me though everyone makes me feel some what better that I’m not going insane

OP posts:
yhk · 19/11/2023 01:19

In this case, I suggest you report this to the police ASAP and let them investigate. The sooner the better.

I would also advise that you don't say too much more about this here and let the police investigate.

Dotcheck · 19/11/2023 01:21

user1492757084 · 18/11/2023 03:59

Tell him you got drunk and you feel terrible being drunk..

Next day tell him that someone saw you kissing XXX.
Tell him you dislike XXX and you are disgusted in yourself.
Verify that nothing else happened.

Ask for forgivenes and do not get drunk again.

Huh?😂

missclose · 19/11/2023 01:21

No. Do . Not . Tell. Him!
It's not a full blown affair.
You were drunk. If you wouldn't do it sober, then just put it behind you !
Just don't drink so much and be kind to yourself Flowerswe all make mistakes x

Anonymousepo · 22/11/2023 19:42

My husband and sister got extremely drunk. I went to bed and the next day my sister was acting strange and couldnt wait to go home. I woke my husband and he to my surprise and horror, confessed that they had snogged. He told me he couldn’t remember much but she was flirting with him and kept saying sexual things and sitting basically on his lap. He admitted making the first move where by they ended up kissing. They parted and went to bed. He sent her a message saying he wanted it to go further then deleted it the next day when he realised what happened. My sister never said anything for weeks until I confronted her and told me he tried to kiss her but she pushed him away and said it was all him and nothing to do with her but others she spoke to at various times through the night said she was very flirtatious and kept saying she wanted a shag. I really don’t know what to think or do. Why would he tell me that if nothing actually happened?

Dotcheck · 22/11/2023 23:37

Anonymousepo · 22/11/2023 19:42

My husband and sister got extremely drunk. I went to bed and the next day my sister was acting strange and couldnt wait to go home. I woke my husband and he to my surprise and horror, confessed that they had snogged. He told me he couldn’t remember much but she was flirting with him and kept saying sexual things and sitting basically on his lap. He admitted making the first move where by they ended up kissing. They parted and went to bed. He sent her a message saying he wanted it to go further then deleted it the next day when he realised what happened. My sister never said anything for weeks until I confronted her and told me he tried to kiss her but she pushed him away and said it was all him and nothing to do with her but others she spoke to at various times through the night said she was very flirtatious and kept saying she wanted a shag. I really don’t know what to think or do. Why would he tell me that if nothing actually happened?

To manage the situation in case your sister told you first

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/11/2023 23:44

Park it
it’s a mistake
you are stressed

is he supporting you ? As often this indicates the beginning of the end anyway