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Original poster

My boyfriend recently followed a female work colleague on Instagram and he’s now going out with her alone

62 replies

Goldbracelet24 · 17/11/2023 19:53

Firstly, my boyfriend and I love eachother and enjoy eachothers company.
A few weeks ago I saw him looking at his phone, and I saw a girls profile before he turned it off. I remembered the name but didn’t think too much more about the incident.
I recently saw him follow a girl by the same name on Instagram and she followed him back.
Me and my boyfriend like trying to new venues at night and he’s mentioned taking someone else, perhaps a work colleague, to a new one he wants to try. He won’t be able to go with me as I won’t be able to go due to other circumstances at this time.
He told me today it will be with this female colleague, and the name matches up. So they will be going out together until maybe midnight in a new bar/ club. He assured me that they’re just friends.
I’m ok with him getting lunch with her at work, but I feel like this is over stepping too much.
Do you guys have any thoughts?

OP posts:
SirWalterElliot · 17/11/2023 21:06

Not if it's a late night, dance-y type place anyway (pub/bar setting where you can talk is different).

Its5656 · 17/11/2023 21:07

Tell him you're free so will come along, the look on his face will tell you all you need to know.
I agree that men and women can have friends of the opposite sex outside of their relationship but this isn't what's going on here. She's not a friend she's a new colleague who he is trying it on with.. as others have said it's practically a date. Cheeky bastard.

Apples1112 · 17/11/2023 21:07

I'd be suspicious and not thrilled. Whys he taking another woman out!

Peachtails · 17/11/2023 21:10

Absolutely is a date. She's just as bad as him if she's aware he has a partner. No one deserves that.

Sugarcoatedcandycane · 17/11/2023 21:22

I kind of think the ship has sailed to making new platonic friends of the opposite sex when in an established long term relationship (unless gay or non-eligible).

People on here will pretend otherwise but there’s a massive difference with your DP making new 1:1 friendships and going for dinner with 70 year old Betty with a hip replacement from accounts and 30 year old Becky with the good hair.

toomanyleggings · 17/11/2023 21:23

My thoughts would be that it’s over.

MsDogLady · 17/11/2023 21:26

Is his date with the same woman who has been to his apartment … whose SM posts he’s been marking with love hearts?

@Goldbracelet24, in the 2-3 months you’ve been dating this Player, you’ve written 3 threads about his behavior toward other women. He drools over them and calls them hot. He follows and ‘hearts’ scads of models, as well as local women. There is one colleague in particular whom he ogles and hearts. She’d been to his apartment before he started dating you.

You been advised that he is a creep with a wandering eye, yet you are still with him, anxiously monitoring his sleazy behavior. He is absolutely going on a date with this woman. How long will you allow yourself to be devalued and bamboozled by him? Will you keep turning a blind eye?

@Goldbracelet24, this guy is not monogamous. Sticking with him is a form of self-harm.

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/11/2023 21:29

We have all told you to dump his sorry arse, seems like you just got your blinkers on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/11/2023 21:47

No way! These two are cheating in plain sight! Come on op, wise up.

blacksax · 17/11/2023 22:02

Tell me you don't live together, because that will make it so much easier for you to dump him.

Mycatmax · 17/11/2023 22:06

My boyfriend doesn’t go on dates with other women.

Up to you where you draw the line OP but I think most women would finish a relationship over this.

Shivermetimbersmearty · 17/11/2023 22:09

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/11/2023 20:53

OP hasn't said that he's just met her (I think you imagined that bit!)

Contrary to the majority, I don't think there's anything wrong with two friends of the opposite sex going out in the evening together. I have quite a few male friends (I work in a traditionally male industry) and go out in the evening with them, especially if we have a hobby/interest in common. Nothing romantic/underhand is going on. We're friends, we have a laugh, we give each other advice etc. I'm horrified how many posters are clutching their pearls about this. It's the 21st century. Men and women can be friends you know. They even have friends of the opposite sex and be happy in their relationships.

Show quote history

hmm - I was out for an evening this week with a married male colleague. Neither interested in each other. Have been friends for ages and just happen to share interest in same dull hobbies ( reason for being out together)

however- context is everything. And OP’s situation sounds dodgy.

My DH has female friends he sees without me, and I know it’s platonic, so I’m not against being friends with opposite sex at all.

but this has all the hallmarks of fancying someone ( connecting on social media/ mentionitis/night at bar/dinner

DeeCeeCherry · 17/11/2023 22:16

He's an idiot. Personally ganeplayers bore me so I'd dump him. I bet if you followed a male colleague online and then said youre going to a bar with him, he'd hit the roof. You need to be brutally honest with yourself as to why you're even questioning this. You know it's wrong.

We are all human but I'm minded too many of us are so afraid of heartbreak, that we put up with crap rather than be without a particular man. Well sometimes its necessary to go through heartbreak in order to lead a better life, and be away from people who aren't good for us.

'Me & my boyfriend love each other' means sweet f.a. He doesnt respect you. Without respect and honesty, it is not love. Don't end up like women who cling on thinking they can change the narrative just by being there - until said man dumps them anyway

MsDogLady · 18/11/2023 00:33

At 2-3 months, you hardly know this man. What you do know, though, is that he regularly disrespects you by constantly perving over other women. He thrives on it.

He’s been secretive with his phone, and you recently caught him drooling over and putting hearts on his current date’s FB photo. He hurriedly closed the page when you approached, but you’d already seen it. She has previously spent time in his flat, and is aware that he fancies her.

@Goldbracelet24, you may have this doctor on a pedestal, but he is a highly immature, sleazy cheat. He neither loves nor respects you. How on earth do you not have the ick?

Please use your agency and good sense and walk away. And by all means go for an STI check.

TedMullins · 18/11/2023 00:44

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2023 21:00

Well that's not ok.

If it was a group thing, fine. But not a solo women.

Yes friend of the opposite sex are OK. But there are boundaries. If it was a life long friend that nothing had ever happened with then maybe that's OK as it's a public place. But a new work friend? Absolutely not ok to go places solo with them...I'd even frown at a work lunch but maybe that's understandable if they are both leaving and returning to work at the same place.

As is, instant dump.
Has no respect for you.

Wouldn't be surprised if he told her he was single or that you two are on a break or some such shit.

this and the assorted reactions of horror are bonkers to me. I really wouldn’t think anything of my partner doing this and yes, I would (and have) do the same with a colleague. But then again I trust him so I don’t police his Instagram activity. That isn’t because I’m naive and think he’s immune to cheating - I think anyone and everyone is capable - but I choose to trust him, we’re both totally open with each other, and I don’t think that things automatically become “a date” just because they involve dinner or happen at a later time of day/evening. We’re also both bisexual so I guess we’d have no friends at all if we did think like that.

TedMullins · 18/11/2023 00:45

MsDogLady · 17/11/2023 21:26

Is his date with the same woman who has been to his apartment … whose SM posts he’s been marking with love hearts?

@Goldbracelet24, in the 2-3 months you’ve been dating this Player, you’ve written 3 threads about his behavior toward other women. He drools over them and calls them hot. He follows and ‘hearts’ scads of models, as well as local women. There is one colleague in particular whom he ogles and hearts. She’d been to his apartment before he started dating you.

You been advised that he is a creep with a wandering eye, yet you are still with him, anxiously monitoring his sleazy behavior. He is absolutely going on a date with this woman. How long will you allow yourself to be devalued and bamboozled by him? Will you keep turning a blind eye?

@Goldbracelet24, this guy is not monogamous. Sticking with him is a form of self-harm.

Oh, right well if this is the case he sounds like a common sleazebag, but I stand by my views about general male/female interactions

Sugargliderwombat · 18/11/2023 08:02

This is a date and he thinks it's OK because he's told you about it.

AnonyLonnymouse · 18/11/2023 09:24

Sorry OP, it doesn’t sound good.

I wonder why human beings are more primed for sexual activity at certain times and in certain atmospheres. We all know that this is more obviously ‘risky’ than them meeting at 7am to go sea fishing, but why?

Wonderously · 18/11/2023 09:26

Unless there’s others going too it seems like a date

Wonderously · 18/11/2023 09:28

Saying that I have a work colleague i do hobbies with

gannett · 18/11/2023 09:44

Sugarcoatedcandycane · 17/11/2023 21:22

I kind of think the ship has sailed to making new platonic friends of the opposite sex when in an established long term relationship (unless gay or non-eligible).

People on here will pretend otherwise but there’s a massive difference with your DP making new 1:1 friendships and going for dinner with 70 year old Betty with a hip replacement from accounts and 30 year old Becky with the good hair.

Do people seriously think nonsense like this? You can't make new friends of the opposite sex once in a relationship? I have no respect for anyone who believes that. Absurd, controlling bullshit.

I've been in a relationship with DP for over a decade and in that time have made tons of new friends, male and female. As has he. We've both changed jobs and got to know new colleagues, sometimes one-on-one, sometimes over a drink or few in the evenings. Sometimes until midnight or even beyond.

It's really strange to me that so many people think male/female interactions are inherently potentially sexual.

Susieb2023 · 18/11/2023 09:52

This is a new relationship and he’s already pulling this kind of stunt?

Your values are not aligned. Your view of monogamy is not his.

Everything @MsDogLady says.

In this position this relationship is unsafe for you, continue it at your peril.

Sugarcoatedcandycane · 18/11/2023 10:09

@gannett calm down Jheez!

Yes I do believe that.

So you’re saying that if came home to your husband and said ‘I just met a man called Chris at a work meeting today and he’s so funny. We really hit it off. Me and him are going for a meal and drinks Friday night’

Your DP would be perfectly fine with you going for a meal with new bloke Chris you just met who is good looking, single and a similar age of your own?

Likewise if your husband came home and said ‘A new woman called Claire just joined the gym tonight and we have so much in common. She’s also into xyz hobby like me. So I asked for her number and just us two are going to a restaurant Saturday night’ then you’d be perfectly fine with it.
Him and a very attractive 30 year old single woman just meeting, exchanging numbers and going for dinner to now start a new ‘friendship’. You’re perfectly fine with that?

It’s clearly obvious when I’m a LTR what kind of people are/aren’t appropriate to strike up brand new 1:1 friendships with. I don’t get why people are obtuse about it.

Bobbotgegrinch · 18/11/2023 10:31

@Sugarcoatedcandycane

I don't get why people are obtuse about it

Because the boundaries you set for yourself aren't necessarily true for others relationships?

Me and DP have both made friends of the opposite sex in the 17 years we've been together. Some times we go out with them one on one. It's not a date, it's a night out with a friend. We trust each other, so we don't get jealous or worry about it.

gannett · 18/11/2023 10:36

Sugarcoatedcandycane · 18/11/2023 10:09

@gannett calm down Jheez!

Yes I do believe that.

So you’re saying that if came home to your husband and said ‘I just met a man called Chris at a work meeting today and he’s so funny. We really hit it off. Me and him are going for a meal and drinks Friday night’

Your DP would be perfectly fine with you going for a meal with new bloke Chris you just met who is good looking, single and a similar age of your own?

Likewise if your husband came home and said ‘A new woman called Claire just joined the gym tonight and we have so much in common. She’s also into xyz hobby like me. So I asked for her number and just us two are going to a restaurant Saturday night’ then you’d be perfectly fine with it.
Him and a very attractive 30 year old single woman just meeting, exchanging numbers and going for dinner to now start a new ‘friendship’. You’re perfectly fine with that?

It’s clearly obvious when I’m a LTR what kind of people are/aren’t appropriate to strike up brand new 1:1 friendships with. I don’t get why people are obtuse about it.

Of course we'd both be fine with that, why would we not be? Meeting new people is something that happens a lot in life. Making new friends is a positive thing regardless of their gender or age. We would probably both get restaurant FOMO but only because of the food, not because eating dinner with someone else is forbidden.

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