Should I ask him about the puppy plan longterm

[Apples1112]

My boyfriend and I do not live together but spend half the week at his flat together. 3 months ago "ellie" arrived into our lives. A bouncy energetic spaniel puppy. He had a dog 5 years ago when we first met and that dog was by his side constantly. In bed. On the sofa. 24/7. When the dog passed away my partner then was focused more on me as awful as that sounds. Because that dog was a rescue he was set in his ways and I thought perhaps that's why he slept under the covers in the bed with us.

The puppy has been allowed in the bed with us from the first night. She is also 24/7 ,up on the furniture with us. We never ever get even 30 seconds as a couple. She is now showing sweet but clear signs of not liking my boyfriend and I to physically touch one another. If we hold hands she butt's our hands apart. If I lie on him she wriggles in between us and pushes me out the way. I woke up freezing at 3am last night and went to roll over to snuggle into his back and she was in his arms. I went to the toilet she was on my pillow.

Its not her fault. I know that. He must be aware how I feel to an extent because I have commented a little. I asked him this morning when he sat down and she was on his knee in 2 seconds if it doesn't drive him crazy she's stuck to him 24/7. Even new born babies don't stay permantly on their parent.

I can't state enough I love the dog. She's adorable. It's my boyfriend that's the issue. But am I right to ask him about this and whether there's anything we Can do so we can have occasional time alone.

I am not sure if its connected but we have also stopped having sex and we had a great sex life prior to this.

It looks like yet again you are coming second to a dog.

This man is and will further treat this dog like the previous one he had; he is a poor dog owner and the dog is likely to be confused about where it is in the pack.

Is this relationship with him one you want to remain in?.

The dog should be a nice addition to his life, not his whole life.
I can’t see this changing as he was the same with the first dog.

I think it’s much healthier for pup to sleep alone, a bed outside your bedroom door in the hall would work well. I have a terrible sleep if my dog is in the bed and my dog does too!

Also spaniels can get separation anxiety so it’s great for them to get comfortable with nights in their own bed as this helps them build confidence and be less “Velcro” in the day.

Squeezing between you on couch etc - our dog does this occasionally, we don’t mind it but it’s easy to correct with a spaniel - start teaching her the command “off” with positive reinforcement, have treats in your pocket and reward her for getting off the couch and sitting and waiting etc.

Also, she’s very young - nowadays our dog mostly retires to her own chair - they’re only “velcro” for a while! So I think if you sort the sleeping arrangement the rest will just sort itself out with time.

Apples1112

I would also post in the Doghouse forum on this website as you will get further responses that way too.

My dog, my DP and I all sleep in separate rooms and that’s the way it should be imho.

I need to have a chat with him its driving me up the wall..I actually feel really frustrated at times because I feel she's ruined our bond (well he has)

I love dogs, I have several but your bf relationship with his dog is unhealthy for both of them. You're now a rung lower in his life and I'd question anyone who'd treat you this way

Spaniels are renowned for being Velcro dogs that will stick by your side 24/7 if allowed. It’s not healthy and not everywhere allows dogs so eventually the puppy will have to learn to be left when you two go out. I just lost my spaniel and whilst he was the best most loving dog, if I gave him an inch he’d take a mile. I now have a new velcro puppy and am establishing boundaries from the first day he came home so that I don’t have the issues you now have.

When my partner moved in I had to change things - he no longer could jump up on the sofa and he had his crate time (and he actually loved his crate!) My puppy is the same and whilst not a fan of the crate at first he now likes being in it for short periods to chill (puppies - especially spaniels - need chill time!)

Its so important to establish these boundaries from the start. I don’t think it’s hygienic or good for a dog to sleep in your bed (under the covers.) Clearly it’s not good for your sex life which is now non existent.

I’d speak to your boyfriend and state how you want to know if going forward things could be tweaked a bit. Maybe nights you stay the puppy sleeps in a covered crate in the same room as you (eventually not in the same room). If he’s not willing to do this or any boundaries then yes he’s picking the dog over you and doesn’t care if you’re happy about it or not. In which case you only have two choices, put up or leave.

like you say it’s not the puppies fault it’s your boyfriends.

I rang him on my lunch break and said do you think Ellie needs some training so she's not with us 24/7, I know it sounds like I don't like her, I really do, but I'm ot sure long term I can cope with it. He said yes I 100,% agree we should do that.

So I may try offer to buy her a little bed. But I'm not sure if he will say she doesn't need it

Well if he says she doesn’t need it then ask him when is the time for you and him? When do you get to have sex? Ideally the puppy needs a small crate so that it can have “time out” and you two can have couple time.

But I guess for now at least he agrees to training. But be persistent and show YOUR boundaries because clearly he has none when it comes to the dog.

The problem is, he isn't setting boundaries.

Training is useless if he just kept her think she is second to you and that she has the monopoly on him.

What does HE do when she gets between you? Nothing, he allows it and obviously rewards her by petting her.

You have a bf problem.

I'd have him watching cesar Milan and the dog whisperer. Even if people don't agree with everything they do, they both show that babying your dog is a huge cause of issues.

He needs to say 'no' and remove her from the sofa if she gets between you. If she persists, remove her from the room. He also needs to stop letting her share the bed. At the very least, when you are there.

He is rewarding her clingyness. It's a huge problem.

Heads up, I would never have kids with this guy. He'll leave you with all the actual parenting cause he wants to be a Disney dad.

What he says i.e he agrees to training the dog and what he subsequently may do could become two very different things. He may not actually be at all serious about getting this dog trained and could well be telling you what you want to hear. Let him go about arranging this training himself without any input re this from you.

Are you certain you want to be with this man, a man who has already put a dog ahead of you once already and is doing so again?. He remains a poor and otherwise irresponsible dog owner who will cause his dog no end of pyschological issues.

@Apples1112 I would say 'you do need the dog bed if you ever want to have sex again'
Because you won't be doing it with an active puppy in your bed!

I don't think you should be hinting, I think you should say to him "I love the dog, but you and I seem to have very different ideas about training and the dog's role . I don't really want to co-sleep with a dog and I want to be able to hug you/sit together without the dog getting between us. How do you feel about putting in some training to establish these sorts of rules?"

Personally if he's the sort of dog-person that insists on sharing a bed etc with the dog, I wouldn't be compatible with him. Depends how strongly you feel about it as an issue if he reacts badly to a sensible conversation about it.

Hi all. So we've ordered a nice bed for her this afternoon and he's admitted he's just been too tired to train her. He accepted he needs to get up and keep moving her off the bed and she will get it. I said well thats something we can both do when this bed arrives. So I'm hoping the dog bed will be motivating.

If he doesn't get it sorted it will ruin us. I think he understands now how I feel. I really don't sew how our relationship can last if she takes over. I understand she's young. She's 5 months old. But at this rate she will be fully grown and still demanding.

There have been Times I've sat on the floor or moved my pillow to the bottom of the bed and slept there just to try make him understand its driving me mad.

She eats her own poo too which is making it all extra yucky when she's trying to lick my face. I'm being woken up 2 or 3 tunes a night by her. I have work and it's really starting to tire me out.

So I'll see how it goes. I can only hope the bed does the trick.

But am I right to ask him about this

Right according to what rules? Whose authority do you live by?

Honestly I think you’ve left it too late to train the dog (and the man!). The puppy has got used to these habits and like most habits they are harder to break than to make.

OP, Your boyfriend has not given the dog any basic training so it won't be easy, but with firmness and kindness you can improve things.
I would suggest crate training her so she has a cosy spot to retire to, and at bedtime if she doesn't stay in her bed, then the bed goes in the crate and eventually the crate can be moved out of the bedroom.
You will no doubt have some disturbed nights for a while and consistency is key. Next teach her some basic commands. Look up Victoria Stillwell on You tube she is in excellent trainer and there's plenty of advice there on Puppy Training.
Tbh if your boyfriend doesnt stick to the training and continues to prioritise the dog over you l would be seriously considering ending the relationship.

It sounds like you just have different ideas about dog ownership and what you want from it.

If you can't meet in the middle or get on to the same page then then resentment will just grow and grow.

Hiya he has no money currently for a crate I've paid for this bed. I went for a day out yesterday and he had his brothers dog for the day whilst his brother worked. He messaged me saying its been an absolute nightmare and he needs to train Ellie.

As long as he's on the same page as me we need to get up and lift her into the bed consistently and not allow her to sleep on the bed. He's half admitted its through being exhausted (he's awaiting surgery) but something needs to change. I personally don't want her on the sofa constantly either. I want her to respect being invited up and being asked to lie on her own bed and cushions when not invited up.

She's able to sit and give her paw. She also respects when my partners eating if she watches he will firmly say out. She pushes more with me. He will say I just need to move her. But because he appears to be fine with her being around I don't want to look like I'm bullying her.

I also don't quote know if around 19 weeks old they can be expected to be calmer. It's again she walks allover us literally. I have a scratch down my eyelid this week from her strolling across my head at 2am. She nibbles ears and licks faces.

The worst thing aswel is she's constantly eating her own poo. It's all pretty grim.

She shouldn't be getting the chance to constantly eat her own poo.

You (or him) should be supervising her when she goes to the toilet, and calling her away from it with a treat/cleaning it up straight away so she doesn't get the opportunity.

I suggest you both follow dog training and tips page on Facebook. You really need to be consistent with puppies, and you'd be a whole lot better off keeping her off sofas/beds at all times (forget the inviting her up thing, at least until she's much older). Get a floor cushion and sit on the floor with her when it's cuddle time.

Also, you need to be rewarding her when she is doing what you want her to do. Don't make it all about the negative commands. Make her bed a positive place to be (when she's lying on it, give lots of praise and treats - by treats I mean food from her allowance, not extra)

He has no money for a crate?
Why did he get a puppy if he's broke?

I also don't quote know if around 19 weeks old they can be expected to be calmer. It's again she walks allover us literally. I have a scratch down my eyelid this week from her strolling across my head at 2am. She nibbles ears and licks faces.

She's a spaniel - you can probably expect her to calm down when she's about 12 years old

Honestly, it sounds like neither of you have really bothered to train Ellie and now you're arguing because she's, well, behaving like untrained puppies do.

Training is all day, everyday when they're tiny and it lasts for a good couple of years. If neither of you have the energy or discipline to train her then it may be better to find her a new home.

Spaniels definitely will not be calmer by 19 weeks. We find they are a bit less nuts (for a spaniel) once they reach 2 but still they are completely nuts. Quite frankly mine is 7.5 years old and still as mad as a box of frogs, I have a friend with 2 golden retriever puppies and even with 2 of them together they are calmer than my spaniel . However ours is not allowed upstairs at all or on the sofa and licking is also banned as we hate it and as they are so intelligent these things are easily trained.

However I would be concerned if he can’t even afford a crate for her. Has he got insurance? What happens if she gets ill? Due to spaniels being so crazy they are well known for ending up in the vets for random freak accidents or eating stuff they shouldn’t. Vet bills can build up very fast, we took our dog to the vet for her annual injection and just mentioned we felt that week there was something slightly off about her but we couldn’t put our finger on it, before we knew it we were in the super vet with a £8k bill, thankfully we had insurance.

Training isn't bullying unless you're doing it very wrong. It's just consistent messages. You seem very worried about your bf's reactions on this 🤔

Ask around on social media or family & friends if anyone has a crate they could loan you - it's the sort of thing people hang on to when they're no longer using.

Your expectations of the puppy seem a bit optimistic if you think a 5 month old will be calming down :) but now is definitely the time to put in the work with her.

It is bloody hard work having a puppy - if he's too skint and tired to manage it, he shouldn't have got her.