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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother has left her son with me and my partner

34 replies

Ramseymanxcat · 17/11/2023 11:11

My partners ex has left her 5 year old son and gone to live in a hippie commune in Philippines. We don't know where, and she's said she's coming back in a year to collect her son. my partner has a residents order to prevent this as he doesn't think it's a suitable place for his son to grow up. This little boy is obviously devastated, as only speaks to her once a week. After this phone call, at the weekend he has a complete emotional breakdown and cry's on and off all weekend. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do. I really want to stop the phone calls as I think they're driving him mad. She won't talk to me and my partner also thinks we should stop the calls until he settle down. I really want to give her a piece of my mind but i'm withholding. How selfish??! Has anyone else had a similar experience with this? He's very happy with us and his 3 step brothers and sisters, and by about Wednesday he's not as sad anymore.

OP posts:
Picturesofowls · 17/11/2023 11:14

Oh no, I'm sorry she's left you in such a difficult position. :(

Could there be a cooling off period of say 3 months no calls. He may after a certain point reposition her role in his life? No experience of this though.

PumpkinFence · 17/11/2023 11:16

I really don’t know if it’s better for cold Turkey or continued. That’s really difficult and I hope in a year he stays with you when she returns. Hopefully someone will have a suggestion about who to contact for advice.

Original poster
Ramseymanxcat · 17/11/2023 11:16

Yes that's what i'm thinking. She's also told the little boy that his dads bringing him out to her - which isn't happening. It's too much for a little person to cope with I feel. It's so cruel!

OP posts:
Picturesofowls · 17/11/2023 11:18

I'm completely on your side in terms of decision making. She just left him in the care of his father and you. No agreement was made. She has no right to make demands as you are dealing with any consequences. Its really up to you and his dad.

I feel advice may be needed - citizens advice?

YesItsMeIDontCare · 17/11/2023 11:19

Can you talk to his school? They will (probably) have a trained counsellor who can help him through this and maybe give him the opportunity to voice what he would like to do about the phone calls.

Wallywobbles · 17/11/2023 11:21

Financially can you afford private counseling for him? My kids saw quite a few before we found someone they trusted enough to talk to (turns out it was our GP).

My best advice is you position yourself as someone that will always tell him the truth and that will always answer any questions no matter how hard they are. And tell him that.

He will want to believe all sorts of fairy tales. But if he knows you tell the truth he will check them for reality with you. (eventually).

Poor guy this is really shit.

Weezol · 17/11/2023 11:25

Have a look at Gingerbread and give them a call, they're a single parent advocacy charity and might be able to point your DP in the right direction for some good advice and support.

Home | Gingerbread

We are Gingerbread, the charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice and practical support for single mums and dads in England and Wales.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Noorandapples · 17/11/2023 11:31

You definitely need to talk to school about this, they can get a counsellor in. Please don't stop the calls, this is the only contact he has with his mum. Focus on how to help him settle afterwards, try not to say negative things about her in front of him. I can't imagine how he feels, your husband should take him to visit, not for her but for him.

Wherearemykeysagain · 17/11/2023 11:39

I think your DP needs to set ground rules that she is not to promise anything he hasn't explicitly agreed to. Claiming daddy is going to take DSS to the commune is deeply cruel if this hasn't been agreed. He needs to spell out the consequences if she doesn't comply and then ensure the phone is on speaker so he can monitor it.

I would also highly recommend counselling - likely you will need to pay for this and source it from a charity. Most schools don't have anyone on tap and CAMHs frequently turn down suicidal children, so highly unlikely you'd meet the threshold.

I probably wouldn't cut contact unless she really won't comply with reasonable boundaries because despite the heartache, the benefits outweigh the cost.

Picturesofowls · 17/11/2023 11:43

Sorry, yes on reflection I agree with others actually on not cutting contact. This is so sad though 😢

pickledandpuzzled · 17/11/2023 11:46

Don’t stop the calls.

Speak to foster carers about their experiences of managing contact. It’s not easy, but it’s better than stopping it.

There are ways you can help- ways to prepare him and comfort him after.

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2023 11:51

What are the odds she'll actually come back?

She's abandoned her son

I'd get legal advice and get nominated as his primary home

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/11/2023 11:54

Who’s getting the child benefit? This is legally abansonment

Original poster
Ramseymanxcat · 17/11/2023 11:59

He can't take him out there it's thousands of pounds we don't have! Thank you for all the messages I will definitely speak to the school and get some advice. Going to try no phone call this weekend, see how it goes. He hasn't mentioned her since Tuesday. Of course zero negativity about his mum and we have always tell him the truth. Very sad situation, will defo seek professional help for him.

OP posts:
Hunkydory99 · 17/11/2023 12:30

Speak to a solicitor to make sure you can do everything in your power and have done to prevent her from coming back to take him
Agree therapy for the little one is a good idea - school may be able to signpost you to some support. Failing this try the GP/Dr surgery or health visitor service. x

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/11/2023 12:36

Can you tell him at a level he could understand about how there are laws that prevent one parent taking a child from his home country against the will of the other parent, and that his Dad will keep him safe and make sure that isn't taken away anywhere.

serene12 · 17/11/2023 12:40

You might want to consider getting advice from Barnados or the NSPCC.
I regularly have to make decisions regarding children’s contact with birth parents.
You might want to consider organising video contact I.e. FaceTime. between the little boy and his mum. He will need reassurance that his mum is OK and has not abandoned him! Any video contact will need to be supervised, to ensure it’s age appropriate and it doesn’t impact on his wellbeing. Also, please consider keeping as much evidence as possible for any future custody decisions.
You sound lovely, that you’re prioritising the little boys needs.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 17/11/2023 12:40

It may be the uncertainty about his future and his fear that he will be taken away by her at anytime that is upsetting and unsettling him. I would talk to him and tell him he is welcome to be with you and his father and siblings for as long as he wants and that she will never be able to just take him. He probably feels very insecure and scared. She sounds totally awful. Once you have told him he is going nowhere ask him if he would like to continue the phonecalls and take your lead from him. Your partner needs to tell his ex also to stop talking about him going there as it is upsetting the child and I would not allow her private conversations without one of you present. If she starts then cut the connection. If he does not want to continue the calls she can email him and you can send her a weekly email updating her on his week

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/11/2023 12:48

Poor little boy 😔I don't know too much about the practicals, but I see you've had lots of sound advice on who to contact for help, however (and I know you probably already doing this) but just heap lots of love and reassurance on him, make sure he is doing things he enjoys, and you and your husband and his step siblings do some stuff all together, even just movie nights, living room picnics etc. so he feels confident in you guys, he is probably feeling super confused and hurr that his mum has just upped and left.

You sound really lovely OP, and he is lucky to have you

HoHoHoliday · 17/11/2023 12:49

I would worry that stopping calls would make it difficult to start again, but I also wonder if the video call is just too emotionally intense for him, at such a young age. He's missing his mum, and then he has to stare at her on a screen for a short time and speak - video calls are not a natural way to converse for anyone, let alone a very young child.
Would it be better for her to send him little videos of herself, showing where she is, what she is doing, just shorts clips, often, and he could do the same, short video of him playing, and reading, etc. Then when they speak on a phone call he has a conversation flowing - "did you see me reading" etc.

He must feel so lost, for his mum to have left him for a year when he's so little. Thank goodness he has a caring dad and step-mum to look after him!

Night409 · 17/11/2023 12:50

Poor little thing 💔

I think a line of communication is so important but if the phone calls are too much for him then perhaps they could write each other letters?
Dad could actually write it and DS can just draw her a picture or something.

I would tell DS that she’s very far away for work (and not off on a jolly) and you don’t know when it will be when she’ll be back.

She needs to be the one coming over to see him (not DH flying him out there).
She also needs to be on paying maintenance.

Ultimately, she is very selfish and a terrible parent and the DS is probably better off not having her as his residential parent.

Thank Goodness DH was able to stop her taking him.

SauronsArsehole · 17/11/2023 12:53

Ramseymanxcat · 17/11/2023 11:59

He can't take him out there it's thousands of pounds we don't have! Thank you for all the messages I will definitely speak to the school and get some advice. Going to try no phone call this weekend, see how it goes. He hasn't mentioned her since Tuesday. Of course zero negativity about his mum and we have always tell him the truth. Very sad situation, will defo seek professional help for him.

I would cancel the calls completely.

however if you can facilitate, in the future, video messages from mum to child and child to mum (so you can vet them!) I absolutely would.

These can be sent with relative ease on various apps inc Facebook messenger.

Ylvamoon · 17/11/2023 12:59

I'd get advice re phone calls.

But think going forward, maybe mum could write him letters/ postcards. I just think, if you stop the calls he might feel even more abandoned by his mum... this way he has "proof" that she didn't forget about him completely.... even though she's a selfish b* for doing this to her child!

MayThe4th · 17/11/2023 13:22

I would cancel the phone calls and get the mum to write to him instead
I might allow video messages but it would be on condition that your DP vet them first, and I would make it very clear to her that any promises of seeing him again soon or talk of him being taken out there and he wouldn’t be seeing the message.

I absolutely wouldn’t be taking him out there for fear that she might abduct him. And going forward I would be looking for her to have supervised contact only when she comes back.

She’s not fit to be a parent and clearly cares more about herself than her child.

I have a friend whose ex did this except she went off to Spain for a year and left the child with him. She told him she’d be back for her in a year and he told her in no uncertain terms that it wouldn’t be happening, if she left the child with him now then that’s where the child’s permanent home would be from then on.

He was the one who enrolled his dd in school while the mum was off on her jolly, He was the one who sorts out the dr’s appointments, who was there for her when she cried for her mum, who she didn’t get to speak to because video calls and the like weren’t a thing back then.

When the mum came back she did have contact, but tbh by then she’d become an absent parent, and the relationship was never the same.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 17/11/2023 13:26

This child would probably benefit from some counselling too.
Being abandoned by his mum like this will have a huge impact on him.
Poor kid 😢😢