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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother has left her son with me and my partner

34 replies

Ramseymanxcat · 17/11/2023 11:11

My partners ex has left her 5 year old son and gone to live in a hippie commune in Philippines. We don't know where, and she's said she's coming back in a year to collect her son. my partner has a residents order to prevent this as he doesn't think it's a suitable place for his son to grow up. This little boy is obviously devastated, as only speaks to her once a week. After this phone call, at the weekend he has a complete emotional breakdown and cry's on and off all weekend. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do. I really want to stop the phone calls as I think they're driving him mad. She won't talk to me and my partner also thinks we should stop the calls until he settle down. I really want to give her a piece of my mind but i'm withholding. How selfish??! Has anyone else had a similar experience with this? He's very happy with us and his 3 step brothers and sisters, and by about Wednesday he's not as sad anymore.

OP posts:
Ramseymanxcat · 17/11/2023 13:55

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it’s been so helpful. Really really appreciate.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 17/11/2023 21:13

If the calls are upsetting you absolutely need to revisit this.

I'm particularly concerned about her raising expectations with her son that cannot be realised.

So as a start point I would stop real time calls for now. I'd replace this with a monthly email from mum that your partner can read and "edit" if necessary. Monthly because it's not fair to the child to live on a weekly rollercoaster of emotions.

He should in fairness articulate to his ex what he will "edit". For example - dad will bring you to visit or we will live together when I get home. Basically promises she can't deliver.

I would not stop contact altogether. Long term this could work against your partner and I'd be concerned about how you could reintroduce contact without distress. Having a relationship with both parents is generally regarded as optimal, but I think you have very good reason to dial it down significantly.

However your partner reading a monthly email from mum whilst they have a reassuring cuddle is very different to a real time video call every week and far less emotive for child than seeing a parent they can't touch/hug that they miss over a screen.

This also has the benefit that you have a record of the communication- something you might need in the future when she returns which demonstrates the "quality" of her parenting if you end up in court.

As pp's have already said, pull in support from the school and make them aware of the situation.

You might also want you consider speaking to children's social services. People are often scared about doing this, but they can absolutely signpost you to support and potentially even funding/referrals for counselling.

Again if you have a proactive positive case history with social services this will work for you in the future - especially if they are privy to and can case note her actions.

Aishah231 · 18/11/2023 08:33

Can you go to the courts OP to become resident parents. I would worry that Mum will come back and expect her son to live with her. This will be traumatic for him for if he's happy and secure with you.

BackAgainstWall · 18/11/2023 09:01

She’s an extremely cruel and damaging woman.

She’s effectively abandoned her own son.

Please don’t let her speak to him and keep upsetting him. It’s so damaging.

He needs to heal, feel safe and have stability and he’ll have that with you and your DP.

Thank goodness there are kind people like you in this world 💐

jeaux90 · 18/11/2023 12:14

Legal advice is really needed here. If it was me I'd be going to the solicitor and working out how to prevent her taking him out the country.

The poor kid is probably terrified of not seeing his mum, terrified of being taken away from his dad. He needs to know you are doing everything to provide stability.

jeaux90 · 18/11/2023 12:16

And if the RP order prevents him from being taken then perhaps explain that in a way he understands.

I had the same with my DD. She felt secure knowing her father couldn't take her away from me.

user1471538283 · 19/11/2023 08:57

This is awful. I would try a multi attack approach for help.

Let the school know and see if there are any counsellors. Let the GP know. Contact as many agencies as possible for advice. Contact mind to see if they have any support for little ones. My DS had counselling years ago with mind and it saved him.

I do hope it all goes well.

AbbeyGailsParty · 19/11/2023 09:10

Poor little lad. His mum shouldn’t be lying to him, saying he’ll be taken out to see her, if that’s not true. I think you need some professional advice on whether to continue the calls or not and legal advice on the child’s future.
I’m all for women doing their own thing but abandoning her son and causing him this much distress is pure selfishness.

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