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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why am I so unpopular?

32 replies

thinkitsme · 17/11/2023 10:57

Just that really. I retired from work after being in the same place of work for ages if I don't contact people they don't contact me.
I don't really have any old friends one who I was close to is holding me at arms length and it's almost a year since I saw her.
I used to see and talk to my sister a lot but she's really involved with her partner and his family so I hardly see her now even though she lives a 10 minute walk away.
I am lucky that I have a nice husband and children .
I ask about people I try to be kind but I wonder if I'm just super dull( this is possible are you asleep yet reading this?)
I think I'm just unappealing generally I definitely am not attractive to look at
I think I need some hobbies to make with engage with others but don't know where to start.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 17/11/2023 11:00

Not saying this is you but are you negative?
moaning about the weather, if someone asks how you are, moan/rant about how everything is rubbish. It's draining. I find lots of unpopular people are exactly this and never smile so come across and unapproachable.

LuckyLinda3 · 17/11/2023 11:04

@thinkitsme you sound lovely. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I helped my sister out for years through a separation both physically and financially and once she turned the corner she only contacts me when she needs something. Some people are very self centred, selfish. You have reached out.
Invest in yourself now, you have a lovely family. Do things you enjoy, make new connections. I have moved past it, these things should be a two way street so if it's one sided on your part I'd reconsider my investment. All the very best.

category12 · 17/11/2023 11:16

Is there a cause close to your heart you might like to get involved with, like volunteering with a charity or political activism if that floats your boat?

Are there places you'd like to visit? I enjoy planning trips. Even if money is an issue, often there's places in the local area you may not have visited.

What sorts of things do you enjoy or perhaps used to do before children/work - perhaps there are groups or classes you could join?

thinkitsme · 17/11/2023 11:38

Thankyou so much for your replies!
I don't think I'm negative but that's certainly something to keep an eye on!!
The things I enjoy are quite solitary things like reading/ cooking etc.
I think I'm very dull and perhaps having some other interests would mitigate this!
Re the trips there was a time when a group of us used to do a city break twice a year . This was always organised by me . Some of those people fell out with each other not with me and if I didn't keep suggesting and organising they didn't happen.
I'll take a trip to the library and see what's going on locally.
Volunteering would be a good option Thankyou for suggesting it

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 17/11/2023 11:42

It's not right but do people see you as the planner and wait for you to suggest stuff to do rather than be proactive and arrange it themselves.

People can fall into a habit of waiting to be contacted.

category12 · 17/11/2023 11:43

Re the trips there was a time when a group of us used to do a city break twice a year . This was always organised by me

You sound like just the sort of person a community group or charity would be delighted to have 🙂

Maybe there's a book discussion group where you might meet new people.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 17/11/2023 11:47

Volunteering is an excellent way to make friends. Further to your true question - I have almost 5 decades behind me. I have a couple of friends from my uni days. And a couple of others- we have many things in common. That's all. There was another person i was friendly with for a couple of years. She was funny, intelligent, generous with gifts. But she was such a poor listener and mostly talked about herself and her daughter. Eventually it started to grate and I broke up with her. I am not sure it would apply to you. Like you, I am a loner, happy in my own company, preferably with a book. I think you just need to find people with similar interests

thinkitsme · 17/11/2023 12:06

Thankyou again- I think I'm just getting used to not working and luckily I'm in good health as far as I know! So I guess it's about a new era.
I think the volunteering would be good so I'm going to look into that for the new year!
I don't think I talk endlessly about myself the opposite in fact if I bump into someone I often think I now know everything about them without uttering one word about myself- hence the dullness!
What nice people you all are!!

OP posts:
LuckyLinda3 · 17/11/2023 14:33

@thinkitsme enjoy your new era and embrace all the possibilities the new year offers!

thinkitsme · 17/11/2023 16:13

LuckyLinda3 · 17/11/2023 14:33

@thinkitsme enjoy your new era and embrace all the possibilities the new year offers!

Thankyou Luckylinda
Maybe we have the same sister!!!😂

OP posts:
NoPumpkins · 17/11/2023 16:53

Do you see yourself clearly OP? In an inner sense. Your talents, personality, spirituality ?

43ontherocksporfavor · 17/11/2023 16:59

I think you’re just adjusting. When you don’t go to work and talk to colleagues daily, you need to get a social hit elsewhere so suddenly notice that void. Try to join a few clubs like a book club or a cookery class as you like those things and see what comes from that. Perhaps ask your sister if you can fit in a coffee every month . You’ll soon fill your diary. Don’t worry about the flakey/ self interested people, you’re too good for them.

MrsPerfect12 · 17/11/2023 17:01

A book club might be good if you're into reading. You might find some like minded people there and of various ages.

SoddingWeddings · 17/11/2023 17:10

I think no longer being in touch with old work colleagues is a red herring. Many workplace friendships are based on the work. When people leave, everyone moves on. That's not personal to you.

If you're retired, have a look for things like University of the Third Age, volunteering, sports or exercise groups, music groups, choirs, theatre productions - you an always do the behind the scenes work if performing isn't your bag.

There are always charities in my area looking for support - bereavement support and meet up groups wanting drivers to help get people to the afternoon teas, staff in the community shop, food bank, befrienders, drivers for the community mini bus...

VanillaCaramel · 17/11/2023 17:11

If you enjoy reading you might like volunteering at your local library. Public services have been hit quite hard financially and a lot now rely on the goodwill of volunteers.
You also sound like a good organiser so perhaps ask people/neighbours round for coffee and if it works see if you can make it a regular arrangement.
You sound lovely and are probably just finding your feet after retirement.

Sofaz34 · 17/11/2023 17:17

Stop being so hard on yourself. You just don't have the right people around you at this time in your life. I would try and find a hobbies where there are other likeminded people and just slowly build connections, maybe a really social group would be worthwhile.

perfectcolourfound · 17/11/2023 17:17

You don't sound dull at all, you sounds really nice. The dullest people are those who just talk about themselves and think their own lives are more interesting than anyone else's!

As a pp said, it could be that you dropped into the role of 'organiser' and if you don't plan something, noone thinks to. I was part of a group where one person was the organiser. She appeared liked planning stuff, and she had a bit more time on her hands, so we let her get on with it. When she had children, and less time, she stopped planning things, understandably. It took the best part of a year (maybe longer) before I realised what had happened and suggested a night out. I felt so guilty when I realised, but we'd just fallen into roles and habits.

Another thing is your friends who fell out with each other - nothing to do with you, but you're an unfortunate victim of that circumstance.

I think also when you first retire, you re-appraise your life, and you're thinking about these things. People who are still at work are often just getting by with work / parenting / home stuff. They might be in exactly the same boat as you re friends, but they don't notice it as life is so full. They may have the same moment of realisation when they retire.

Volunteering is brilliant, on so many levels. It keeps you busy, so less time to dwell on things, it gives you purpose - you know you're appreciated and are making a difference, it makes you even more interesting - you have a passion you can talk about and share with others, you meet new people who might just become friends, or links to new friends.

43ontherocksporfavor · 17/11/2023 17:53

You could ask local schools if they’d like a volunteer reader. We have several at our primary school. They’ll run a DBS check then you can come in and spend a couple of hours listening to chn read. It’s really rewarding but not so much about meeting people I guess. But nice to share your love of books.

Cheeseplantalltheway · 17/11/2023 17:59

There's nothing in your post to suggest you are dull! A lot of it just sounds situational - I wouldn't expect to keep in touch with work colleagues after I left a place, and your sister just sounds busy.

I agree with PP about getting involved in things in your community and get to know people that way. Most won't become friends but some might.

This could be an exciting time, of trying new things!

Newnamehiwhodis · 17/11/2023 18:02

I’ve read everything, and I don’t think you are dull or unpopular. I just think you might be trying to connect with the wrong people!
make It a mission to find out what you enjoy, and do those things (yes, volunteering is fantastic!) and when you’re interested and working/ playing with other people who enjoy the same things, connection happens more naturally. You don’t have to work so hard to be pleasing - just be yourself.

I think sometimes when one gets trapped in an inner story that one is unliked or dull, one can then try too hard- and the trying too hard, unfortunately, is the thing that can be off-putting. We are animals, after all, and we sense body language or microexpressions … if you don’t take up space - but listen endlessly etc, you’ll attract people who are simply not interested in two-way, equal relationships.

that’s not a “you” problem!

you sound lovely, and I’m excited for you to find your new era in life!

MintJulia · 17/11/2023 18:10

I doubt you are boring. But people are busy, and since covid, seem to be less out-going.

I'm coming up to retirement after spending 15 years raising my ds alone while working full time. I've had very little social life for years because I've been busy, so now he is older and can be left, I'm rebuilding.

I've volunteered as a parish councilor. If there's anything going on in the village, sponsored run, quiz night with supper etc, I'm signing up. Parkrun is good too. I figure I won't make any friends sitting at home, so I need to get out there. It's a bit daunting to start with but worth the effort. 🙂

Lili132 · 17/11/2023 18:16

OP I think majority of people are bad at maintaining friendships, busy or just passive when it comes to organising. If you keep believing that you're the problem you're more likely to stay around "friends" who don't make an effort.

Keep meeting new people and invest in the ones that reciprocate.

itsmyp4rty · 17/11/2023 18:19

People are soon forgotten when they leave a job I've found. The problem probably isn't you, friendships also often drift over time. People are generally very, very self absorbed.

Watchkeys · 17/11/2023 19:11

You're unpopular because you tried mixing with incompatible people, and are so willing to blame yourself when it doesn't work, that you don't try to look for others, more compatible people.

It's not you, it's the fact that, like everybody, you're not compatible with the whole world. You need to find your people. Or maybe you don't actually need many friends? What do you want them for?

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