I think my marriage is over

[princessspotify]

Morning all. I'm just posting for some advice. Spoken to friends irl but could do with some opinions from people that don't know us.
For context I've been with Dh for 19yrs and married for 10. We have 2xdc age 14 and 11. Both of us just about to turn 40.
This past year we have grown apart. Dh likes to drink most nights and ends up falling asleep on the sofa. Sex life has dwindled. I got a promotion at work and threw myself into that plus I took up an online degree to further my work opportunities.
It all came to a head in October when i was working over a weekend and asked him to do the food shop. He decided to drink beer and watch sport most of the weekend. I became angry and told him I wasn't happy and things needed to change. Later that night he came home and said he didn't think he was in love with me anymore and the spark had left our marriage. He said he wanted out and was going to leave. I was devastated and stayed with my parents for a couple of nights just to get some space.
When I came home he told me he missed me, he was sorry and that he had been hasty in saying it was over. He has also completely denied that another person is involved. We agreed to work on our marriage. Try to have some date nights etc. He has even cut down on drinking and we're sharing a bed. I've been making an effort suggesting things to get us back on track but he doesn't seem to be doing the same. He just tells me things were said and he can't switch back on. I feel like I'm in limbo
Fast forward to last night and we had been a bit flirty and I asked him to come to bed with me. He said no and I was a little crushed. When he did come upstairs I tried to talk to him about it and he just said he's not there yet and then slept in my sons room. This morning he came into our room and gave me cuddle and said sorry. I just don't know where I stand. My head is spinning.

I don’t think it’s over - but it’s in trouble.
And you both are making an effort - but struggling.

What you are not doing is communicating. That bit is hard but needed.
Have you considered couples counselling?
It can really help.

To me it sounds like he is lazy - will talk the talk as he really doesn't want to have to split up, move out or have part custody of children on his own. You on the other hand sound as if you are the opposite - you want to improve your life. I suggest that you have a think about whether he is the one you want to spend the next 40 years with!

This

I think it may be a way to keep a handmaiden and home without any effort. Your initial request was to do shopping which is what started this.

I think you are probably not matching in terms of what you want now and that difference will only grow.

I’d say counselling is worth a try, separately to start with.

@MMmomDD gave good advice

What do you want to do?

It seems that you are both trying but out of sync in a way.

I think there's hope. You just need to talk, maybe with professional help. I wish you luck

So he was happy when you were the little wife at home and now you’ve made a successful career, he doesn’t want to support you? Sod that. Fuckity bye to him, find someone who will support you. Or better still, he happy alone, unimpeded by a selfish manchild 🤣

Every marriage will hit a crisis at some point. I personally think your marriage is salvageable but you are going about it the wrong way . Disclosure: I have been married for 24 years, been through both good, bad and back to good times. If you like reading I would highly recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk book. Cheaper than marriage counselling. There are many other good books on relationships. Unless your husband's drinking is really detrimental to family life I would fight.

You both need help opening up, get to therapy asap

@princessspotify when you say you stayed at your parents did you go alone? So he was left in sole charge of the children and did he miss you or did he miss your contribution to running the house whilst you were gone?

Do you think he would consider counselling? Would you? For me a marriage is always worth putting effort in to save but only if both parties come at this willingly. Counselling might be what helps. At least then you can say you tried.

I think maybe an honest conversation with him about where you could be in 12 months, so either together and married or in separate houses, how would the children split their time between you both, how much child maintenance would he pay or you pay depending where they spend most of their time? What about Christmas day how would that look in the future? What about birthdays and holidays?

I do think sometimes people say they are done without considering what that leads to ie selling, splitting assets, dividing up household items etc.

Thank you for all replies. I've suggested counselling and he's said no. So I have made an appointment to go in my own. To pp who said he's lazy, you're right he just expects things to happen and fall into his lap. He is not lazy in terms of housework and food shopping normally. This particular time I was ment to do it but had taken an extra shift at work and asked him.

I really want my marriage to work. I've been honest with him.
When I was at my parents I went alone. He said he missed me and not just what I do at home. I used to work nights so he's used to been the sole parent and is hands on with dc.
What I really want is for him to put his words into actions. He says all the right things and then does nothing. I have told him that something needs to change and he needs to meet me halfway. He agrees but then says he doesn't know how.

Words are cheap and he does not want to go into counselling. He's been telling you what you want to hear in order for he to have an easier life. You want your marriage to work but it takes two in order to do that; he seems to be not all that committed.

You both need to put the effort in. You are, he's not. When was the last time you had sex?

Re: date nights etc, can you have a structure - eg take it in turns every week or fortnight or however often you want them?

You have outgrown him, and he knows it. You just haven't figured that out for yourself yet.

Agree @Aquamarine1029 and came to say that your focus and achievements seem to threaten him. He sounds weak and self-indulgent or maybe it's just a bad phase. Alcohol never improve things like that, he could start with getting ahold of himself? Either way, torturing you a little seems to be how is dealing with it.
It's not the end but you need to look after yourself and not let him drag you down.

I think you are right to go to counselling on your own to help you articulate your own thoughts and to discuss it with someone privately. Have you told him you are going anyway, even if he won’t? If he shows no curiosity, I think you have your answer.

I'd say he's checked out but scared of ending things.

It doesn't sound like he's always drunk like this? I've known this behaviour to be the beginning of the end. IME it escalates until the woman is the 'bad guy' and ends it. Then the man is free to feel like the victim and absolve himself of any responsibility.

When one partner refuses to engage with professional help in the relationship, I think it's really important that they realise that one-sided counselling/relationship therapy doesn't just mean being counselled to accept their partner's viewpoint and learn to live with the situation - it means exploring all the options without the absentee's input and very often IME results in finding the strength to take the decision to end the relationship.
And then They act all shocked and surprised, Well you gotta be in it to win it mate.

There is someone else. His hot and coldness is dependent upon how much attention he’s getting from whoever else is in the picture.

Let him go. He's messing you around. He wants his home comforts, food on the table, not having to parent on his own, not having to set up a new home etc.

He's conditioning you to get used to the status quo.

Next time he offers to move out, let him go.

I had similar. I'd outgrown him. I travelled, got counselling, improved myself where I could, and instead of being my team mate and cheerleader, he secretly hated me for it all. He wanted me to put up and shut up, basically.

He also said the words I wanted to hear (to try and keep his easy life) but was incapable of following through on his words. Google "cognitive dissonance", it's a killer! Expecting something to change because you're being told it will, but it just doesn't happen... my advice is , live your life for you, that's what I'm doing now, alone! And so far it's been fucking good. I'm no longer resentful, my time is my own.

Hi there, further to my earlier post. My husband was earning 3 times as much as me when we met. Now it's the reverse. We went through a lot of marital discourse before finding happy new equilibrium. Men absolutely hate talking about relationships (hence my book recommendaction). By all means, get some counselling for yourself but please be careful. I still remember quite a few people telling me to dump my husband and my marriage. I am so glad I chose to fight. Please be careful which advice you chose to take.

So please tell us @Tiredbehyondbelief , how did you work things out with your DH if he refused marriage counseling and he despises talking?

Mine does too. He thinks the idea of communicating is a waste of time.

In a nutshell, what solution does the author of this book offer? And was that the answer to your problems ?
Thanks.