If you've been in an abusive relationship, did you stop feeling attraction?

[Coralinea]

I'm just trying to get my head around something here.

I haven't been married for that long, but since getting married my husband has been controlling and we've had a lot of terrible arguments where he has shouted loudly, belittled me and has been mean about my family.

In between the bad spells, he is very nice to me and affectionate.

However, I feel like I have pretty much lost any feeling of physical attraction towards him. I do affectionate things, but I think that inside I normally feel a bit cold, even when we've had a good day and if he's being really caring.

We've been together for three years total. It's my longest relationship. Is it fairly normal to lose the spark after that time anyway? Or is it related to his behaviour?

I know that if I did feel attraction, it wouldn't make the other stuff ok.

I'm just trying to understand all this a bit better.

Thank you.

Well if you remained consistently attracted to him it would probably reflect some disordered attachment patterns on your part. Of course it is natural to be turned off by someone who treats you badly. I'm glad it turns you off, frankly.

It's only natural, yes. Abuse from men throughout my life has turned me off them entirely. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. The sooner you get out and get therapy the less permanent damage you'll have.

It's related to his behaviour.

Entirely possible to love someone but dislike them at the same time and feel disconnected from them physically.

Me too

Abusive men never end up with a partner that feels safe enough to love fully again.

Women will be reserved, wary and unsure, add in contempt and resentfulness and bingo you have all the hallmarks of hating the man you thought you would always love.

He screwed the relationship up.

What's so hard to understand? You're not attracted to a controlling man. I'd say that's a win for you. It's your body's way of protecting you.

When i was attracted to one i remember it being a really intense attraction. Moreso than anyone else I've dated i think. But then one day it was like a switch just finally flipped and I was like 'oh...I feel nothing for you. Like why did I put up with any of that bs?'. I realised that the chemistry wasn't because of feelings..it was because he was a predator looking at his prey and I was prey looking at my predator.

I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with a woman who constantly humiliates, belittles, degrades and dehumanises me with her constant 'put downs', passive aggressive behaviour, bullying, control techniques and referrences to previous promiscuous behaviours. She also has an unhealthy relationship with, and attitude towards, alcohol. I have posted frequently on here recently and received a huge amount of kind, helpful and non judgemental advice and support, for which I am truly grateful.

To answer your question - although I love her, and still feel some level of attraction, I am no longer in love with her and my libido has, not unaturally, fallen off a cliff!

I recognise that this is an unhealthy and toxic relationship which is not positive for either of us and am trying to summon up the courage to end it, for the sake of both of us, but seem to be unable to do so, despite the mental, emotional and physical harm it is causing to my health and well being. I am autistic, an Empath and a Highly Sensitive Person, which, although not excuses for my lack of action, DO make it harder to take the final step!

Good luck OP

To say that I stopped feeling attraction would be an understatement. It was more than a mere loss of attraction. I came to see him as really very hideous. We were together nearly six years and by the end I couldn't stand looking at his face, and any kind of physical affection, even just holding hands, made my skin crawl.

Marriage is a common instigator for abuse. Many men wait until they feel their partner is sufficiently trapped with them to start showing their abusive traits.

I think that inside I normally feel a bit cold, even when we've had a good day and if he's being really caring.

This is likely because you recognise the cycle of abuse. You know that even if you've had a "good" day, it doesn't erase all the bad stuff. Of course you're not going to feel warm towards someone who's been treating you like shit just because they've decided to be nice in the moment.

Entirely normal love...it's a natural physical response to his abuse, even whilst our socialised self keeps trying to "play nice", and then eventually even that gives up. Just before I left him I felt physically repulsed by my ex, so I didn't want to kiss or hug, I just withdrew (subconsciously not deliberately). He noticed of course and got even more abusive...and that's when I finally realised who he was (after 15 years of marriage), and knew I had to end it.

Your post and the responses has helped me realise what happened, so thank you. And get yourself out of there as soon as you're ready. His behaviour isn't going to change, and nor is your response to it.

Yes. I did. And my exh was a good looking man, objectively.
But he looked like the ugliest person in the world when he was shouting at me. His nostrils flared and his eyes looked closer together.
Then like in your situation at other times he would be nice. He always bought thoughtful gifts, would never be late etc, could be fun.
But ultimately the way he spoke to me and the things he said, I think I checked out without realising it. I didn’t really enjoy sex unless I was thinking about something or someone else. He was controlling too.
Then I found myself falling for someone who was very different to him and that opened my eyes.
I am glad to be free of him.
I don’t think you can be attracted to someone who is unkind to you.
Life is short.

Totally agree with this. And the responses have helped me too, I am recently split from him and starting to process it.

Physical attraction in a committed relationship is an extension of a loving, comfortable, safe, bond. It's not something you do that's meant to be programmed into you, that's supposed to 'work', when other aspects of closeness fail.

Why are you questioning your own feelings, when the fact is that your husband is controlling and belittling you?

I stopped feeling attraction to my exh. It wasn't just how horrible he was, it was his entitlement to my body. How he pestered me for sex. He twisted it all so I was abnormal and frigid and needed fixing.

Strangely enough my libido returned when we split up.

By the time I left my abuser I had no affection for him whatsoever. I actually hated him. Any emotion he showed left me cold as it was emotional blackmail.

It's a positive sign that you don't have warm feelings for him.

Are you planning to leave?

@SockPuppet Are you happy now? Totally get the whole nostrils flaring dragon look.

I was in your situation until 8 months ago when I finally mustered up the courage to end things.
6 years in a relationship and a child later. He’s trying everything he can to make my life hell, because he’s demanding control. He has more power because we have a child together.
I am still so much happier now, even if I am not totally free from him.
Please leave him sooner rather than later- do not have kids with this man!

Also, yes I lost all attraction to him for the last few years because his behaviour hurt and disgusted me.

It’s a great sign that his mistreatment of you has turned you off. It sounds like you should be walking away from this relationship. How easy is that going to be for you?

It’s a great sign that his mistreatment of you has turned you off

I'd agree with this. You now have a relationship with a man you don't feel physically attracted to. Time to break up.

Work from the basis that there's nothing wrong or unusual about you, always, until you get a majority of people telling you that something is up with you. At that point, you can look at you and decide, independently, if what they don't like/accept is something that you would like to change. But up until then, just assume that your feelings and responses are normal. They probably are. We're mostly the same: try to control us, and we'll want to be elsewhere. We certainly won't want intimacy.

My dd was in a
violent abusive relationship. At one stage, when she had left him and there was a court case pending, she went back to him. When I asked her why she said "Because I wanted to be happy again for a little while." It broke my heart-but it shows how powerful the pull of an abusive man can be.

@cassiatwenty yes. I have no regrets.
I feel free to be myself without my actions being interpreted as being insulting, disrespectful etc.
It took a long time to get to this point though, because I had lost faith in my own perception so found it very hard to make decisions because I didn’t really know what I felt lots of the time.
I am reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans which is very interesting.

Absolutely. My ex was emotionally and financially abusive (and a liar) and I lost all attraction for him. Of course, me depriving him of sex (or 'criticising' him by saying I felt sex wasn't working for me) became another thing for him to be angry at me for, all the while keeping me financially tied to him and exhausted with doing almost everything for our kids.

Unfortunately guilt over not being a good little wifey who kept her husband happy in bed was one of the things that kept me stuck. Don't be me.

Exactly this.

It’s probably not attraction, it’s likely a trauma bond. I would work with a psychiatrist to break free from it. Breaking the trauma bond for myself was the best decision I’ve ever made.

I stopped feeling anything for my abusive ex gradually and then looked at him one day, properly stared at every part of him and I felt nothing for him. The only emotions I could evoke was hatred and anger.

I was with him for 10yrs and left when I realised I wasted too many years being sad and abused.

Relationships can lose their spark which is normal and can be overcome but abuse is another issue that can get worse. Belittling you and being mean about your family is a way to break you down, make you feel like shit and like you don't have other options.