If you've been in an abusive relationship, did you stop feeling attraction?

[Coralinea]

I'm just trying to get my head around something here.

I haven't been married for that long, but since getting married my husband has been controlling and we've had a lot of terrible arguments where he has shouted loudly, belittled me and has been mean about my family.

In between the bad spells, he is very nice to me and affectionate.

However, I feel like I have pretty much lost any feeling of physical attraction towards him. I do affectionate things, but I think that inside I normally feel a bit cold, even when we've had a good day and if he's being really caring.

We've been together for three years total. It's my longest relationship. Is it fairly normal to lose the spark after that time anyway? Or is it related to his behaviour?

I know that if I did feel attraction, it wouldn't make the other stuff ok.

I'm just trying to understand all this a bit better.

Thank you.

I stopped feeling anything for my abusive ex gradually and then looked at him one day, properly stared at every part of him and I felt nothing for him.

I got to this point too. I have to deal with my ex as we have children together, but I keep him at absolute arm's length. All I really feel towards him these days is pity and annoyance, but I never show either.

What's interesting is that he now wants to "be friends for the children" and I can tell he finds it maddening that I sidestep all attempts to be friends. I am always polite, 'professional' and co-operative but it is all extremely superficial. I don't ask after his life, I don't share any details of mine, I don't get into conversations, I don't bite when he baits me, I don't ask for help, I don't accept help and I don't take anything personally.

I think he finds this more annoying than when I would argue with him, as at least then he could see I was emotionally involved. These days he might as well be a taxi driver for all the emotional involvement I have with him.

Same here @CheekyHobson I find that deliberate detachment is the only way to stay sane and to keep moving forward, away from him. For a long while I missed hugs and holding hands, but now even the thought of them is disgusting...and like you I have trained myself to never, ever bite, although he does his best to provoke it.