My narcissistic sister thinks *I* am a narcissist - I’m without words.

[deflection]

My sister was not very nice to me for a long time, guilt tripping, gaslighting, putting me down but doing so quite subtly… she is the master of DARVO and triangulation. I could write a book but that’s not the point. I’ve name changed as I have posted before.

Slowly others around have started to see her for who she is and lots of my relatives are now aware. One challenged her when he saw she wasn’t being nice to me, sister went off the rails at him and accused him of defending me (which is crazy, as I had genuinely not done anything and had been on the receiving end of horrible behaviour from my sister). They don’t talk much anymore as a result.

I went for drinks with my cousin recently and we had a lovely time. I organised it. My cousin bumped into my sister in the shop the next day and mentioned it in chit chat, and she is furious she was not invited and has said our cousin is ‘condoning’ my behaviour and excluding her. She is furious she wasn’t invited. Cousin ended up walking away from her in the shop, but now feels ‘caught between’.

I am worried my sister is genuinely feeling wronged by me and like I am ‘taking’ her family members away, all because they are beginning to see what she can be like. I have it in the back of my mind - what if I have somehow seriously upset her and I have just been ignorant all this time.

I am very triggered by it - she describes feeling all alone and has described me as narcissistic, this has spooked me because this is exactly how I felt about her before other people started seeing it and realising that I wasn’t the shit sister that wanted nothing to do with her, more that I’d taken a step back because of how she can be

Is she mimicking my feelings on purpose? I can’t get a true picture of what she’s thinking or feeling as she is extremely reactive and accuses me of looking for trouble or assuming bad intent whenever I try and start a casual conversation about how the dynamic has been

Shoved me before because I wouldn’t take a photograph with her. When I said, ‘why did you do that,’ she denied it and then said ‘are you ok, you’re imagining things that didn’t happen’

Removing my comments off her social media post, then saying I haven’t commented and don’t care about her life and am jealous of her - so I commented again and she removed it again.

I can’t make an appointment she wanted me to attend with her because I was working, I apologise and say can it be rearranged and she accuses me of not valuing her, treating her as unimportant and needs some space from me.

Complains about how she puts more effort in to be there for me and claims to other people that she plans to meet me and I decline each time, it must be that I don’t care about her- when it’s a straight up lie, I try to go over to hers and she always makes an excuse as to why she is unavailable. Never once has she tried to organise coffee or dinner out or ever been over to my house, yet declares I don’t want to see her even though I’m the one suggesting things. Just doesn’t make sense

List goes on really

Yeah, she's Gaslighting you. No point in trying to rationalise with her, because she is irrational. There won't be any understanding of Why she does it - she would never admit she's doing it! Maybe she believes the stuff she says - you'll never ever know.

All you can do is not engage with her at all. Don't waste your breath explaining, you'll have a MH breakdown trying to get through to her.

You can't help her. Save yourself.

Basically she knows she is a narcissist but says your a narcissist therefore she can't be a narcissist. It makes sense if your a narcissist.

OP - I could have written your post and also had it all my life from a sister. And like FailureToLunch, I'm not a fighter either and have had the same friends for years - and since I put up my own barriers and I'm in control of my relationship with her - she doesn't know this - she's turned on others and then complains about feeling alone too.

Her stupid husband doesn't help and just agrees with her shite - I suppose it will be turned on him if he stands up to her.

I just keep my distance and engage only when I have to.

This really resonates with me. My sister is 5 years younger than me. For years my parents said to me 'oh she's just jealous of you'. Since they've both died recently she's been absolutely horrible to me. I've had to distance myself. I can't say anything without her saying I'm bullying her or patronising. So I am effectively silenced. Which means I am dealing with everything regarding solicitors, probate, selling property etc.

It's so difficult to deal with having very little other family, and finding myself without any of my original family now. I'm so upset by it on a daily basis, but staying away from her seems to be the only way to stay sane.

Oh and interestingly, I first became aware of what a narcissist was when my sister said our mother was one. I Googled it, read the definition and only recognsied HER! (Though our mother may have been too tbh)

You’re allowed to see your cousin/anyone without inviting your sister. You’re allowed to have independent relationships with people.

And she is free to meet up with them too, you’re not stopping her arranging things.

Saying you’d invite her next time seems like you think you’ve actually excluded her or done something wrong. You haven’t!

Keep valuing your relationships with your other family members, it’s not your job to include your sister. I’m not suggesting you throw a big family party and invite everyone except her, but it’s fine to see people without her.

Life is far too short to spend time and worry with emotional vampires (family or not) who are unpleasant and bring you down. You can't change them or make them happy because theyll never accept they're doing anything wrong.
Fill your life with people who act positively and make your life better. Fade her out.

They are master manipulators and they seemingly study all of you, your strengths and weaknesses, behavior, facial expressions and tone and use that to their advantage or to break you.

If you are around them alone or with others, without directly looking at them, you may find them deeply gazing at people or yourself while they are not looking and they look away if you look. Mine used to do this frequently while watching a film or tv, out the corner of my eye, gazing at me intensely for long periods but would snap away if I looked. Same with others socially, absorbing something intensely and would often pick up their mannerisms as their own.

Be careful though because all of their tactics, including gaslighting can turn your head inside out and destroy you. Don't fall into the trap of trying to appease or fix them or getting to a point where you start to believe it is you and not them twisting. That's their aim, they are puppet masters.

A lot of people assume that the way that they think is the way that everyone is. So cheating spouses will often accuse their non-cheating spouse of having an affair. Light fingered people will be suspicious of people near their belongings. They just don't have a good objective sense of themselves or an understanding of others.

I recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube for lots of videos with insights into how to deal with people who behave in a narcissistic fashion. She emphasises that you can't change them or make them see sense because they will never understand. What you can do is not get drawn into their drama as much as possible, and absolutely don't consider anything that they say to be true. So don't put time and mental energy into refuting what they say, even to yourself, just let it pass over you.

Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She has lots of interesting insights about narcissists.

Ugh, sorry to reignite this thread... I haven't seen my miserable narc sister since last Xmas when she was awful to me. Both our parents have died recently and since then she's really gone no contact (which is unhelpful with all the death paperwork). But she sent my kids bday gifts so I thought I'd go drop off presents for her and partner. She's written to say thanks but no hint of anything for us this xmas or meeting up. I feel like a mug all over again.

I honestly don't know what I've done. She says I bullied her her whole life and I talk down to her and I have a bad temper. The last one is true but I've never let rip at her, always pussyfooting round her as she's so spiky and sensitive and says she suffers from anxiety. I spend far too much time worrying about her and I'm pretty sure she don't give a sh*t about me. I think the truth is that she is jealous. I have a house, kids, 2 jobs and lots of mates and she has her partner and her dogs. But she's always made me feel like all my decisions were wrong, lowly or crass... She's always made out like she's superior.

But it's like an itch I can't stop scratching. I need closure. I need to know what I've done... I hate that it's Xmas and I have none of my original family to share it with. And not so much as a present either. How do you cope with this??

@Sadmum71 Ive just come across this thread looking for advice from others as I have a sister like this. How are you feeling about it now?
I definitely recognise a lot of these traits, and am always told I bully her. I really do not. It is hard when you want your kids to see eachother, but I really need to detach myself more because it’s like a poison.

Well since I wrote that we've got through Xmas and new year and my birthday without seeing my sister. I recently wrote her a long and quite emotional email telling her how sad and upset I was at the way things were between us and how much I worried about the situation. I told her I cared about her and hoped she was ok. I got a reply that was so vanilla and short just telling me that she finds counselling helps and my kids were welcome to get in touch with her.

I now feel I've done my best. She doesn't want to know. I need to move on. It's hard but I can't keep tormenting myself. And tbh having made that decision I actually feel much better...