My narcissistic sister thinks *I* am a narcissist - I’m without words.

[deflection]

My sister was not very nice to me for a long time, guilt tripping, gaslighting, putting me down but doing so quite subtly… she is the master of DARVO and triangulation. I could write a book but that’s not the point. I’ve name changed as I have posted before.

Slowly others around have started to see her for who she is and lots of my relatives are now aware. One challenged her when he saw she wasn’t being nice to me, sister went off the rails at him and accused him of defending me (which is crazy, as I had genuinely not done anything and had been on the receiving end of horrible behaviour from my sister). They don’t talk much anymore as a result.

I went for drinks with my cousin recently and we had a lovely time. I organised it. My cousin bumped into my sister in the shop the next day and mentioned it in chit chat, and she is furious she was not invited and has said our cousin is ‘condoning’ my behaviour and excluding her. She is furious she wasn’t invited. Cousin ended up walking away from her in the shop, but now feels ‘caught between’.

I am worried my sister is genuinely feeling wronged by me and like I am ‘taking’ her family members away, all because they are beginning to see what she can be like. I have it in the back of my mind - what if I have somehow seriously upset her and I have just been ignorant all this time.

I am very triggered by it - she describes feeling all alone and has described me as narcissistic, this has spooked me because this is exactly how I felt about her before other people started seeing it and realising that I wasn’t the shit sister that wanted nothing to do with her, more that I’d taken a step back because of how she can be

Is she mimicking my feelings on purpose? I can’t get a true picture of what she’s thinking or feeling as she is extremely reactive and accuses me of looking for trouble or assuming bad intent whenever I try and start a casual conversation about how the dynamic has been

Really, I wouldn't try and figure out what she's up to - she sounds awful and you'll get nowhere trying to rationalise the irrational.

Drop the Rope OP and just keep your distance from her.

I have a relative like this and life became so much better when I went no contact. Now there’s no drama. I perfected the grey rock technique too.

I can't believe she's making an issue out of you meeting your cousin. I don't invite my sister everywhere there's no drama. I think keep contact minimal, uninteresting and polite. Don't rise to drama, rumours etc.

Surely you just block her?

Thank you. Don’t feel I can block her, I’ve got DN and it would fuel her further

Those types of people cannot be wrong or to blame no matter what, they will scapegoat anyone in order to avoid that and be seen as the victim.

If you look at it another way what you might find is they accuse you of everything they do and it's projection. It's almost like a confession of their own behavior but rather than take the blame, they pass the blame and remain the victim.

Obviously you can't tell whether she actually is a narcissist that would need to be diagnosed but they are so perfect they won't willingly get diagnosed or seek help.

Should that be the case, from my experience, do not entertain it and keep distance because they are fucked up, can be highly abusive. They will potentially try to destroy your life for no reason at all other than for their own gain and victim story, out of jealousy/envy, malice and spite.

Thank you. You’ve described her to a T.

Projection, projection, projection.

I knew a narcissist and he was always accusing other people of his own behaviours and attitudes. Apparently it's a classic trait. It was even quite useful sometimes because it showed the way his mind was working and what he might be planning to do next.

My BIL is exactly the same. Basically his horrible behaviour to his DBs escalated to the point where the wider family noticed and stopped including him. Which was a massive insult to his perfect Peter persona. So now he’s gone all out to win them back, present himself as the reasonable one and make DH look like the bad guy when he won’t engage in well meaning family attempts at “reconciliation”. There’s no reasoning with these people, just focus on yourself and what you need. Not everyone understands what it’s like having this sort of person in your life - you can’t “win” so focus on damage limitation and looking after yourself.

Your not a narc. Narc's are incapable of seeing other people's feelings. They cannot empathise or see others points of view which you clearly can. They will absolutely flip the tables on you.

She sounds like my own sister,
down to the complaints about feeing alone.
I find that people can read these situations over time. you won’t be the only person on the receiving end of her venom.

people see through that stuff. My sister is the only unstable relationship I have in my life and I think it’s obvious that I’m not a fighter - she falls out with everybody. This will be noted too!

I know someone like this. There is no point in trying to make them see. Even when told to her face the things that she does that make relationships with everyone difficult, she just says that she doesn't agree and it's everyone else's fault. Then she goes and makes dramatic posts on social media. You just have to walk away.

Do you think they’re aware they’re doing it?

I genuinely don't know. Maybe they just think that everyone's mind works the same way that theirs does. Or maybe it's just another way to target people with DARVO.

But you can easily get caught up in trying to untangle the thought processes of narcissists, and in my opinion this just sucks you in and wastes your time. They will not change no matter what you do. The only real way to deal with them is to keep away.

I have a highly toxic narc sister. She is a total nightmare, sharing the traits you describe and others from previous posters. After years of putting up with her behaviour and bending myself into pretzels to accommodate her, I finally went No Contact some years ago as there was no other way to rebalance my life.

It is not possible to have a relationship with people like this. They bring nothing but destruction and thrive on chaos.

I think they know what they are doing to an extent only because in my case they have accused me of the same things they did. They are also able to control their behavior because they act totally different depending on who is present, especially for strangers or those they want to give a good impression to.

In my case I have witnessed multiple times over the years a total rewrite of their history and events, including shared to align to their narrative which fits whatever person they are portraying at the time. Things that never happened, happened or were skewed in a totally different way or a completely fabricated or stolen history from others become their own.

Again, from experience they believe their lies as truth. You can be present, have witnesses and they will spin another narrative without thinking that other people were present. It is exactly how they say and no other way, regardless of witnesses. That's why they are believed, because they truly believe it, it comes across sincere and it's only when you have proof can you shut it down. The truly believe they are the victim and you are the bad person.

Another thing I picked up on is that they do not process the world the same way not even conversations. You can say or message something even innocently and they don't process the entire thing as a whole like others would with context, they hear or see snippets and take it out of context, twist it.

No concept of the past or foresight, living in the moment. Repeat the same mistakes, don't see consequence and will change the story on the fly as they go because they can't remember the lies they have already spun.

This is really interesting to think about tho, I am in a similar situation but with a friend and I also struggle to clearly know whether it is she who is highly narcissistic or it is me. She is outwardly very friendly, highly complimentary, people almost seem to swoon over her, but at the same time is so critical, full of rage and makes horrible little comments about other people behind their backs. For me it is the constant drama which has finally worn me down and forced me to look at our dynamic, but yet as she is also extremely good at projection and I think I often feel like I have done something wrong when I am around her, it has made me really question myself. She is the more confident of the two of us and I think I have felt as tho I should be grateful she has deemed to be friends with me, but yet I see more and more that she is highly manipulative, needs to be at the centre of all gossip and uses people, including me. This thread is helping me think it through tho, so thank you. I hope you can get some clarity with your sister, it is hard when you are not sure..

Your sister has lost control of the narrative, and people like her will go to amazing lengths to turn the tide back in their favour. You have upset her power balance, and she simply will not tolerate it.

I'm sorry to say that until you face the reality that you can't have her in your life, you are going to continue to deal with her bullshit. And it will get worse. You used to be her doormat, now you are her enemy. Watch out.

It seems this is the way. She is saying she’s hurt she’s not invited. When I said I’d invite her next time, she said ‘and you expect me to just get over feeling excluded?’

It feels like you can’t win with her

Thanks for this! I wouldn’t worry, it sounds like she is guilting you into thinking you owe her something. I don’t think narcissistic people ever contemplate the possibility they could be the issue so there’s that too. I doubt it’s you

You win by not engaging. As soon as you engage, in your head or otherwise, you've lost.

You are trying to work out how she feels. That differentiates you from narcissists.

That’s true. I just have no idea why she thinks everyone else she doesn’t like is a narcissist, yet totally unaware of self. It seems disturbing

You’ve listed many many traits you think your sister has, but haven’t actually given any specific examples.

I just have no idea why she thinks everyone else she doesn’t like is a narcissist, yet totally unaware of self

That's classic narcissist behaviour, though. It defines narcissism. You'll never figure her out. We can only figure people out when they're similar to us in some way. You're not like her. The two of you are wired differently. Like a computer trying to understand an iPad. You don't want to be like her, so stop trying to understand, and accept that, because you are so different, she will never make sense to you.