I’m not sure I can forgive

[ThisYearUnderTheMistletoe]

I’m clinically vulnerable and my condition can easily get worse from a virus.
A ‘simple’ cold can take me a few weeks to recover from.
The flu or covid means a definite step back, a worsening of my condition for months and months. I got covid 18~24 months ago and still haven’t been back to my baseline. Not sure if I ever will.

DH is healthy. A bad cold for him means a day being under the weather, taking one paracetamol 😱😱 and going for a run to get better. In 25 years, Ive never seen him spend the day in bed due to an illness/fever.

A few weeks ago, he got a ‘virus’ but ‘didn’t think’ to tell me. In his own words, it was a ‘bad cold’. Instead, he proposed an outing for the day, involving a few hours in the car.
Sure enough, I caught his ‘bad cold’. He recovered in 2 days. I’m in bed too weak to get down the stairs.

im not sure I can get past the fact he put my health in danger in that way after seeing the impact catching a virus has on me.

What does he say about it? Does he regret not being more careful?

It doesn't sound like he takes your condition seriously, so I'm not sure where you can go from that, if that's the case.

It must be awful living with your health condition and it's vulnerabilities but in the nicest way, what's he meant to do?

I assume you sleep in the same bed, live in the same house, share the same space even just passing, so what's to say the virus didn't pass then rather than a car journey? Or even from someone else ( there's a lot of bugs about?)

I do think you should look for help or coping mechanisms on how to deal with the vulnerabilities and the mental health aspect rather than look to blame someone that hasn't deliberately done anything.

My ex has zero immune system due to a condition and medication. He tries to safe guard himself as much as possible, but doesn't stop our son socialising, or giving him a hug or whatever.

It sounds like there's back story, but from what you've said in the OP, I think you're being harsh

I mean this kindly but would you not have had a high chance of catching it anyway if you live under the same roof? Share a bed, kitchen, bathroom etc?

How do you know you caught it from him? Do you go out/work/socialise?

I know for sure I got it from him because if timings.

Dh was away for 2 weeks with work. Came back on the Friday evening, developed symptoms in Sunday (the day we went out - about 2 hours drive and 1 hour outside in the countryside). I went down on the Tuesday.
During the 2 weeks he was away, I didn’t go out. Having to take on all the stuff at home (I’m talking cooking, a bit of cleaning, washing clothes) was already at my limit and I couldn’t find the energy to go out.
In those 2 weeks, I saw my MIL once (she wasn’t ill either before, during or after I saw her). I had a Tesco delivery twice - and I wore a mask then.

So nope. DH is the only person I was in contact with that could have given me anything.

I think that, if this was a one off, on a background of a loving, respectful, and happy relationship, you'd be seeing this as a stupid mistake. Do you generally feel that he's not particularly sensitive to your feelings/needs/health? Or is he usually Mr Attentive?

@category12 he doesn’t say anything apart from the fact he has been extra ‘caring’ so must be feeling guilty.
He doesn’t want to know about my illness though ‘because there is nothing he can do about it’ - his words not mines. So I’m on my own dealing with it anyway.

It doesn't matter who OP caught it from, does it, @FrenchandSaunders ? When the issue is that he took an unnecessary risk with OP's health?

Wouldn't you have noticed if he had a bad cold? And how could you have avoided him if you live together ?

He doesn’t want to know about my illness though ‘because there is nothing he can do about it

Wow. So if he was run over by a bus and broke a hundred bones, he wouldn't mention a thing, then, because, well, you can't fix bones for him, can you?

Does he have any inkling of emotional support/understanding/validation etc?

I was just thinking the same thing.

I think you have to let it go- you can't be angry at him for giving you a cold. It may / may not be him. Impossible to prove and in all honesty this is not the problem. This lack of care is a symptom of the problem.

However, it seems like he is unwilling to learn or support you with this condition which is really the end isn't it? He may just have checked out because he doesn't want to live with the condition also as it's not fun and is restrictive. He may be sick of you complaining / being I'll etc.

That's fine, he is showing you who he is. Listen, accept and Ltb because life is too short to stay with someone who isn't kind or cares for you.

I was also wondering how you didn't notice he had a cold.
As awful as your condition sounds, if you're living with someone who goes out of the house then you'll always run the risk of picking up a virus or bug unfortunately.
I hope you feel better soon

You can mitigate risks of spreading it by not kissing and being physically close, by avoiding being in the same room/sharing a bed, ventilating rooms, washing hands and surfaces more etc, not spending a couple of hours in a small metal box on wheels together 😂

Obviously it wouldn't perfectly stop transmission but it would give a decent chance.

Presumably OP welcomed him home with kisses and cuddles and whatnot that she might not have risked had she known he was unwell.

How bad was it that you didn't notice?

If you are this vulnerable perhaps sitting in a confined space with anyone without wearing a mask is an unnecessary risk, as is sharing a living space. Have things reached a point where you would be better off living alone?

I’m also unsure about this op. How you didn’t notice he had a bad cold, that’s seldom hideable, and what do you normally do if he gets the cold. Do one of you move out? Isolate in the home?

Sure they can isolate but you didn’t address how she didn’t notice he had a bad cold.

Why are comments turning into "why didn't you notice?" to her, instead of "why didn't the husband, who knew he had a cold as he lives in his own body, say to his wife when he came home - oh heck, darling, I've got a cold - do you want to take the risk of kissing me, or should we be a bit careful?"

If he started getting symptoms on the day you were in the car together, didn't you notice it and suggest going home? But also if he only started getting a symptom or two then, how would he know how bad it was / how much it would impact you?

He's being extra caring which sounds nice of him. Why would he want to "know about" the illness? He's being caring, he can't snap a finger and make you well again, surely him showing care by looking after you is more important?

Because the op has a personal responsibility too and I’ve never ever not been able to tell if someone has a bad cold. Ever. And I’m sure if I was as vulnerable as the op is, then I’d be hyper vigilant.

Because it's a stupid point. Because he knew he had a cold. Do you really think it's reasonable for her to have to ask him every time before they interact, "are you ill and exposing me to risk?"

your answers are quite odd. No one suggested she ask that. Maybe you’re on the wrong thread? Do you really not know how to tell if someone has the cold, never mind a bad one?

Because OP said he developed symptoms the same day they went out and did things - it's not like he arrived home and was ill, hid it for a few days and surprised her. Surely she would have noticed this and kept her distance / said oh no let's not do anything / changed plans?

He's must be one of the very few men who don't announce that they're ill the minute he gets a sniffle.

And she’s one of the very few women who can’t tell if someone has a bad cold or not.