I’m not sure I can forgive

[ThisYearUnderTheMistletoe]

I’m clinically vulnerable and my condition can easily get worse from a virus.
A ‘simple’ cold can take me a few weeks to recover from.
The flu or covid means a definite step back, a worsening of my condition for months and months. I got covid 18~24 months ago and still haven’t been back to my baseline. Not sure if I ever will.

DH is healthy. A bad cold for him means a day being under the weather, taking one paracetamol 😱😱 and going for a run to get better. In 25 years, Ive never seen him spend the day in bed due to an illness/fever.

A few weeks ago, he got a ‘virus’ but ‘didn’t think’ to tell me. In his own words, it was a ‘bad cold’. Instead, he proposed an outing for the day, involving a few hours in the car.
Sure enough, I caught his ‘bad cold’. He recovered in 2 days. I’m in bed too weak to get down the stairs.

im not sure I can get past the fact he put my health in danger in that way after seeing the impact catching a virus has on me.

He was the one saying it was a bad cold.

What condition do you have?

This thread is fascinating. Probably in true MN style where people are simply answering what they want to answer, don’t read posts etc

Or it could be that you haven't clarified a salient point, which is: Did he know that he had a virus when he suggested that the two of you get into the car together?

If you don't blame him then what are you not forgiving him for (your title)?

We forgive people their sins.

If there was no fault, then no forgiveness is required.

It was probably not a good idea on your part to spend time with someone who had just spent multiple hours travelling across the Atlantic via large airports. Almost guaranteed to bring something back, but also impossible to tell whether it's jetlag or illness for the first few days I would imagine.

Perhaps stay in separate quarters for a few days next time if it's going to be an issue for you.

@PosterBoy

If you don't blame him then what are you not forgiving him for (your title

Do you think OP is upset with her partner for having a virus?!

Yes

OP you were slightly unclear or perhaps I misread, sorry, but it did sound like you were saying he said it was just “a bad cold” and therefore spent time with him, not that he said nothing. It is fairly predictable to get unwell after a transatlantic flight - my health is rubbish too and I’ll often pick up a cold or virus out of thin air after even a sleepless night, let alone being crammed into an aeroplane with a time difference and a load of strangers.

Did he know that he had a virus when he suggested that the two of you get into the car together?

Yes he did.

Do you think OP is upset with her partner for having a virus?!
Yes

And you’re wrong as I have explained several times. My issue is him not telling me he was unwell.

I think the difference @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau is that DH is rarely ill.

So my first assumption isn’t that he was going to be ill coming back from his business trip. If it had been the case, I’d have have taken steps automatically.

My understanding is that he had no outward visible signs of illness, had just got back from a two week work trip, Transatlantic flight and jetlag, had a bit of a headache and sore throat but nothing noticeable outwardly whatsoever, and then spent some time in a car with his wife. She then got ill, starts looking for a cause, and decides this headache must have been the virus she now has.

I'm assuming he never actually developed any of the standard signs of a cold at all, despite him calling it 'a bad cold' later on.

So it's retrospective blame seeking behaviour.

In fact most people with flu, for instance, are contagious but entirely symptomless altogether so it probably wasn't a brilliant idea to sit on a car witb someone regardless of symptoms if they've just mingled with several thousand people.

That's ops risk assessment to perform.

I see OP. Sorry for the confusion - in that case it was inconsiderate of him. If you work things out, though, it might be worth taking additional precautions anyway?

Has he said why he didn’t think to tell you?

Has he done this before?

Except that he knew he was ill. You've written a lot, but not read much, seemingly.

Ok so as you have a chronic health condition I would recommend you research flu as it seems you are unaware one in three people with flu are asymptomatic carriers.

It may help you with future risk assessments, such as spending time in close contact with people who have just passed through large airports.

I know other illnesses are also important, I believe covid may behave similarly, but it's flu season right now so it's quite likely he is entirely asymptomatic with flu every few years and yet still passing it on to you. It's not a good idea to assume that a person not showing symptoms equals a person not carrying a virus.

@PosterBoy I disagree with your summary of the situation, but even if it were a fair one - are you saying he had no responsibility to tell OP that he had symptoms of a sore throat & headache and might have caught something? 🙄

It’s not the flu season yet.

@PosterBoy it seems that you want to lecture me on protecting myself when I have been doing that quite well for several years. Not sure why tbh.

You also seem to think that because there is some asymptomatic transmission with many illnesses, it’s not necessary to make any effort to protect the most vulnerable in society.

Its an interesting take because it’s not that long ago that going out with chicken pox and spots that weren’t scabbed was a huge No-No, despite the fact it’s more contagious before it’s symptomatic… It was all about protecting the immuno compromised people then. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

In my world though, I expect my life long partner to care enough for me to tell me when he is ill. That’s my line in the sand. Thank you for reminding me why this is so important to me, the ethical aspect of it. And how not saying anything simply shows lack of respect.

I can't help but feel a tad sorry for your DH. It must be excrutiatingly difficult to live with someone with your condition. So, unless he's a complete dickhead and always disregards your needs, I think he's allowed a free pass. Everyone makes mistakes and marriage is a two way thing. If he's usually a thoughtful, caring bloke then he is fulfilling his side of the partnership. Your side of the bargain, on this occasion, is to forgive.

I actually agree, it must be unbelievably telling on him, such a hard life, I struggle to understand why he’d then deliberately make the op sick and make it harder for him again.

I agree @Janeandme .

If life is so hard for him, surely you’d want to be sure I carry on getting better rather than being set back to where I was 1 year ago…..

I also note the ‘poor DH’ story but not one word about ‘oh poor OP who is now bedbound’ @ginasevern . Does that not matter because only well people matter and not chronically ill or disabled people? Is that what you meant?

I wouldn't think it was deliberate. More like thoughtless. Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by neglect, ignorance or incompetence, as they say.

It's interesting how unsympathetic some people are to someone with a chronic condition and want to make out that it's unreasonable to expect a partner to mention potential infections. Feel like there's a pretty big undercurrent of ableism.

Completely ableist.

And i agree it wasn’t malicious.
I’m still not feeling like I can forgive that. It’s no good telling me he understand how the illness has affected me and how hard it is to then do that tbh. Because if he really understood (and I had listened to me), he’d have known how scared shitless I was to see my baseline drop right back again.

You sound a bit unforgiving OP.

@ThisYearUnderTheMistletoe

"Does that not matter because only well people matter and not chronically ill or disabled people? Is that what you meant?"

No, it wasn't. My son is in his 40's and is both mentally and physically disabled and has been since he was 13 years old. I speak as a carer of over 30 years whose life has been almost completely devoted to that role. I know how hard it can sometimes be for the caregiver, how it can so easily be forgotten that they too are only human and that, in addition, mistakes can be made.

You would like your H to make some specific adjustments to try to reduce the risk of you catching viruses from him. He isn’t.

sounds like you would also like him to listen and support you with respect to having your health condition and symptoms. He isn’t.

Sounds like your relationship isn’t doing well under the strain of your health condition.

Some people aren’t altruistic enough and / or don’t care about their partner enough to do much for the sake of their partner (or indeed DC, eg fathers of disabled DC who have split up from their ex often do minimal parenting)