Am I being fair to DH?

[rightside]

Been together 13 years, very happy, mutually supportive relationship. We have a very high needs, challenging 9 year old autistic DS, who is at home full-time (not able to attend school). I have given up my career to be his carer, and DH has gone part-time. Money is always a significant issue, but we muddle through.

At this point in time, we spend very little time just the two of us. We have not even had a coffee out just the two of us for months. We don't share a bed at the moment, as DS co-sleeps and there's not enough room. (Also, DH snores unbelievably loudly.) I am absolutely exhausted most of the time, with minimal libido, but I do think my DH is gorgeous, and I get up very early some mornings and go to the single bed for a shag (it reminds us of our student days when I lived in a dorm and he'd stay for the weekend...). I feel very down about my lack of interest in sex. I had a severe birth injury, then a baby who never slept, who turned into a child with erratic sleep.

I really miss who I used to be.

We have a lot of stress in our life, but we always have a laugh, and I feel very loved and supported by DH.

I've tried to give a decent backstory to provide context. Here is my problem. DH has done periodic work over the past three years with a woman. They are not working together at the moment, but may again in the future. She's very nice, we've been out for a meal with her DH and kids, and I've met up with her and DH when they're working. Recently, DH has been giving her advice regarding her DD's schooling (he's a teacher), and they have had a lot of contact by text and phone. A few days ago, she asked him if he wanted to catch up for coffee and chat, and in the email I read (left open on the computer in the kitchen by DH, not hidden by him at all), she was very complimentary - and I felt bothered by it.

He asked me what date out of two offered would best suit for him to meet up with her for a coffee. I immediately felt that if WE can't sit together in a cafe right now, I am not happy with him doing that with another woman. It sounds crackers now that I read it back, but I've been feeling odd about her for the past couple of months, and I don't know why. But when he mentioned the coffee meet up with her, I just felt NO.

I am trying to find a support worker who is a good fit for DS, to help out at home and give us a break, so we might get some time together, but right now DS struggles with people in the house without me or DH being present.

I know how important it is for DH to meet up with friends and have a social life, and I'm surprised by how bothered I am by this particular situation. But I am.

Please be kind.

I'm sorry, it's a really tough situation to be in, and I understand why you feel the way you feel, but surely any support either of you can get at the moment is a good thing? Just make sure you have some too.

The fact that you can't go with each other is irrelevant here, that is due to your dc's needs, but it would be great if you could find someone to watch him occasionally so you can do that too.

I don't think you're wrong or a possessive jealous person - it's very easy for a connection like this to turn into an affair. It does happen.

He's putting emotional energy into this flattering friendship that you could do with in your own relationship.

You're not wrong for feeling bothered by it.

How you handle it is the issue.

You are absolutely right. I would have the same reaction. Just try to be diplomatic and cause too much of a bad argument as I suspect he will be quite upset. Not by the fact he can't have coffee with her but by the fact you are trying to control him and who he can or can't see.

Thank you for your replies.

I have told him I am feeling bothered by it. I have said that I want him to have supportive friendships, but I am not comfortable. I'm struggling to adequately articulate it, it's not that I have any doubts about him in any way BUT at the same time I am uncomfortable with this.

He is not going for coffee with her, and is not sulking in any way. But he's is surprised at my response, and said he would not have a problem with me meeting up for with a male colleague for a chat and catch-up. This is true.

Keep talking to him. I understand how you feel. I am in a similar situation and the only way we have survived as a couple is to always be really honest with each other.

Keep pushing to make support for your son work, it will be loads better for you in the long run. Our son needs 2 carers to go out anywhere but we could only find one to start with so I just went with them for 6 months until we found someone else. It was worth it and now he is out doing things two or three times a week.

We also do a date night one evening a week at home. Which pretty much just involves a bottle of wine and a take away in front of the telly. Fortunately our son is generally safe on his own if he is in his room so we can sneak downstairs for a couple of hours in an evening as long as we can still hear him.

If you son isn't sleeping well you could try melatonin? I have friends who it has literally changed their lives and they now get an evening to themselves.

I would guess your response is more based around justified anger at your current circumstances than jealousy?

I understand how you feel. When you say she was complimentary, what kinds of things was she saying?

I never understood parents who sleep with a DC and not their DH. If you have to stay home full time to care for DC and DH stay home part time I'm assuming he must need a lot of care. Does he qualify for respite care? Does DC go to school or are you with them 24/7? You need a break from them sometimes. Do you know this person? Why don't you go out for coffee with this person instead of DH if you know each other? Let DH stay home with DC or take DC out with him when he meets up for coffee to give you an hour off.

Why do you need to ask so many questions when almost all of that info is in the op?

DS is now medicated for sleep (since April this year), plus melatonin. It has changed our lives, but his sleep is still not amazing. Just a lot better than it was. 😀

Geneticsbunny you are right, I know that carer support is crucial to our functioning as a family. DS has a PDA profile, and it's very hard to find carers with the requisite skills. But I know once I expend the energy required to source appropriate support, we will all benefit hugely. I'm just so tired.

I'm not angry, really. I've had excellent counseling and I do ok. I am feeling jealous, which makes me uncomfortable, because I don't know if my feelings are reasonable. But this thread is really helping me. I thought posters would call me controlling.

PlayOasis just things like she was 'incredibly grateful for your wisdom and support'. I can't really remember what else, but it was quite effusive. I think it was genuinely felt. DH is a lovely, intelligent and kind man, who puts a lot of effort into helping those he cares about.

I actually do think your behaviour is possessive and controlling. This woman is a professional contact who wants your husband's professional advice and complimented him for his professional skills, and there's nothing untoward about either her behaviour or his.

It is the height of lunacy to interpret that email or a coffee meet-up as "potentially leading to an affair". In the sense that any interaction with the opposite sex might lead to an affair, I suppose.

If a man he'd worked with wanted to meet up to talk about his child's schooling you wouldn't have blinked, so while I sympathise with your own situation, I don't buy that it's only about that. You don't want your husband interacting with other women. That's very toxic and it's not something I'd stand for from a partner.

It's not the height of lunacy to think affairs often start with perfectly normal communication that develops into something else. Lots of texts, emotional support, the ego stroke of being able to help someone who is effusively grateful, a hard domestic grind at home and little time/energy to invest in each other.

I don't think op should rush in with great hobnailed boots and start dictating what he does, but feeling uncomfortable about him investing a lot into a connection with another woman isn't lunacy.

Obviously all affairs start with normal interactions. It's the height of lunacy to consider those normal interactions suspicious in any way. Most interactions along the lines of "a few emails and meeting up for a coffee" do not lead to affairs. I also don't consider anything the OP's described as "investing a lot into a connection". It's about the level of communication I have with any professional acquaintance I get on with.

gannett Thank you, I appreciate your opinion.

I do feel possessive of DH in this situation. I've never felt this way before. I have never had a problem with any of the other women he's worked with or been friendly with, over the years. It's just this particular woman has been mentioned a lot lately by DH, and then she suggested they meet up for coffee.

I don't want to control who he sees. But you are right I would not feel this way if it was a male friend. That is why I'm seeking feedback.

For me, what it boils down to is that I think it's unwise to ignore your instincts.

Obviously it's going to depend on your own experiences, personality and attitudes, and there's confirmation bias, etc.

But we can pick up on things without being able to explain why.

Assuming op is normally unfazed by her husband's friendships and acquaintanceships, then there might be something she's picking up on to be noticing this friendship and feeling unsettled by it. Obviously if she's normally a controlling paranoid, that's less likely 😂

Who can really know?

But women are often told to disregard their own feelings, and I'd be inclined to listen to them instead. Not necessarily take them as truth, but pay attention.

Again, feeling uncomfortable with something doesn't have to translate into controlling behaviours.

Sorry gannett I just saw your further post. The communication between them has been much, much more than a few emails. If it was that minimal it wouldn't have registered on my radar.

Really appreciating the different opinions. It's helping me clarify that DH and I need to sort out more support, as difficult as that is to find for DS. Then we can go out together, just the two of us, even for an hour or so (lots of amazing cafes around here 😀).

If a man he'd worked with wanted to meet up to talk about his child's schooling you wouldn't have blinked

Well no, as her husband is a straight man, so any flattery (would a man have been as flattering in his language in an email to him?) or dependency-like behaviour in messaging wouldn't be construed as 'wanting more'.

I've known too many people (men and women) whose instincts are controlling and paranoid to ever advise anyone to trust their instincts!

I mean, I think I should trust my instincts, sure, but I don't think the man I had two dates with who started interrogating me about my male friends should trust his instincts, nor do I think the woman who married an old friend of mine and made him cut me (and all his female friends) off should trust hers.

Definitely think you can't go wrong by making sure you get more time together as a couple to reconnect 😊

I think this is a great idea.

I think if OP's DH found time to go out for a coffee with OP then she probably wouldn't mind at much

OP I think perhaps deep down you are feeling a bit vulnerable about your relationship. You recognise that things aren't ideal at the moment, your sex life and general intimacy are not what you would like them to be for a host of very good and quite challenging reasons. And here is this woman, coming barging in, getting lots of your DH's energy, focus and time, and she has (in your perception) none of the baggage you're currently dealing with. I'd be jealous if another woman was going out for coffee with my husband, if I couldn't do that right now.

So that's triggered some discomfort for you, understandably. It's ok to feel how you feel, and perhaps its a good opportunity to assess what you can change to make things better. And what your husband can do too. It sounds like your communication with your DH is good, and he sounds like a decent man too. So take this as a chance to talk together about what you can do to make positive changes in your life so this kind of thing won't leave you feeling this way in future.

katmarie yes, spot on. Really helpful post.

This thread has been great, thank you to all posters.