Am I being fair to DH?

[rightside]

Been together 13 years, very happy, mutually supportive relationship. We have a very high needs, challenging 9 year old autistic DS, who is at home full-time (not able to attend school). I have given up my career to be his carer, and DH has gone part-time. Money is always a significant issue, but we muddle through.

At this point in time, we spend very little time just the two of us. We have not even had a coffee out just the two of us for months. We don't share a bed at the moment, as DS co-sleeps and there's not enough room. (Also, DH snores unbelievably loudly.) I am absolutely exhausted most of the time, with minimal libido, but I do think my DH is gorgeous, and I get up very early some mornings and go to the single bed for a shag (it reminds us of our student days when I lived in a dorm and he'd stay for the weekend...). I feel very down about my lack of interest in sex. I had a severe birth injury, then a baby who never slept, who turned into a child with erratic sleep.

I really miss who I used to be.

We have a lot of stress in our life, but we always have a laugh, and I feel very loved and supported by DH.

I've tried to give a decent backstory to provide context. Here is my problem. DH has done periodic work over the past three years with a woman. They are not working together at the moment, but may again in the future. She's very nice, we've been out for a meal with her DH and kids, and I've met up with her and DH when they're working. Recently, DH has been giving her advice regarding her DD's schooling (he's a teacher), and they have had a lot of contact by text and phone. A few days ago, she asked him if he wanted to catch up for coffee and chat, and in the email I read (left open on the computer in the kitchen by DH, not hidden by him at all), she was very complimentary - and I felt bothered by it.

He asked me what date out of two offered would best suit for him to meet up with her for a coffee. I immediately felt that if WE can't sit together in a cafe right now, I am not happy with him doing that with another woman. It sounds crackers now that I read it back, but I've been feeling odd about her for the past couple of months, and I don't know why. But when he mentioned the coffee meet up with her, I just felt NO.

I am trying to find a support worker who is a good fit for DS, to help out at home and give us a break, so we might get some time together, but right now DS struggles with people in the house without me or DH being present.

I know how important it is for DH to meet up with friends and have a social life, and I'm surprised by how bothered I am by this particular situation. But I am.

Please be kind.

OP
On a separate strand, can you get a part time job as well?

It would mean you and DH seeing each other less, but now you're only seeing each other in the house with DS9 there.

It would make you feel more like your own person, rather than just the support human for DS.
It doesn't have to be anything much, even a few hours in a coffee shop.

Also second the suggestion to work towards sleeping separately from DS9.

Pda is really tricky. You might be lucky trying to recruit teaching assistants from local special needs autism schools? They would probably have some experience of PDA already? We also managed to recruit a mum with much older kids who have additional needs. She is brilliant so that might be worth a try?

Harsh! Given OP’s circumstances I think her response is natural. She has a gut feeling and isn’t comfortable with it. End of

I have a very similar child. Also PDA. I understand. You do need more support but getting it is next to impossible. Trying and failing to find support makes it all so much harder.

My ex left. He couldn't handle it. I'm not a person anymore I'm an exhausted shell of a carer. Before my relationship ended I felt similar to you. I was jealous he got to go to work and talk about other stuff and be respected for his input. I was doing everything though and it sounds like he's doing a decent amount. He's agreed not to go for coffee so you can move on. I would however say if you fully trust him then maybe you should have allowed it. Parenting a kids like this is so hard he should be entitled to a coffee with a good friend. HOWEVER fo you get to go out for stuff? Not with your partner but does he parent while you get a break and some social stuff that's not all about supporting your kid? I think if I had had that for myself I wouldn't have been bothered by my ex having it.

Another thing to consider is you said he's been giving advice on her kid and school problem because he's a teacher? He's going to be very knowledgeable on autism PDA the SEND system etc so if it's advice on that I'd say definitely not a problem. I get all my advice and support from other SEND parents because there is no school or carer or anything or anyone professional from the LA or NHS etc etc who have a fucking clue what my life and my child's life is like or what support can actually be given. All the advice I get from professionals is seeking support my child can't access or would just be dangerous for him/others due to his behaviour. I had one friend meet me for coffee and explain a lot of stuff I didn't know in the early days of my journey and I absolutely could have gone OTT on the gratitude and compliments. My friend was a woman though (but I'm bi) it wasn't anything untoward just grateful someone understood. And I've had very grateful messages off people I've given the same info to. So I say if he's advising on SEND stuff don't worry at all. Helpful advice is sooo rare the ott side from her is probably nothing to worry about just a symptom of the broken system

Sounds like you need an ECHP op
you should be able to access more support
and an ECHP will get you access to this

look I wouldn’t like this either
we have instincts for a reason
and I don’t think you sound controlling

I’d also say the fact he’s backed off means maybe he doesn’t have feelings but maybe she does
who knows and this shit isn’t easy

Again, lots of helpful observations, thank you.

I need a part-time job. It's very hard with DS. I used to be very successful professionally, and had a lovely job which paid good money for part-time hours. I went back to work when DS was 14 months. DH and I were both part-time, because DS was too much for one person full-time. But then DS started school, which was a disaster, and I took leave to be available to support him, then covid lockdowns hit...

PurpleBugz I'm sorry to read about your difficulties. I empathise. I do get to meet up with a friend occasionally. But I've always got my phone on, checking for messages. I actually went to the theatre last week, and when I got home DH had been driving DS around various suburbs 'looking for mummy,' as a calming strategy because DS had had a panic attack (it worked). I feel guilty when things like that happen, even though DH is extremely capable.

He wasn't giving her send advice, but it was something similar. I think I have overreacted perhaps. This thread has been so good for me. I feel motivated to prioritise support options for all of us.

Thisisworsethananticipated DS actually ended up being granted the highest level of 1:1 when he was in Y1, but by that stage I couldn't get him in the gate. I'm very lucky in that DS has excellent provision under the NDIS here in Australia. But even though he has funding, finding support for DS is hard because PDA is not a common autistic profile, and needs unique strategies to manage. DS has been kicked out of respite and other activities in the past, and the rejection is devastating.

OP

Is there a danger that the older your DS gets the more of a "prisoner" of this Life you'll be? As he'll get stronger hence more dangerous hence even fewer people would ever want to come near him, leaving you as the only option?
In which case would you look for some non standard approaches ?
Maybe what would have been used in the past.
Or look at other countries, if you're in Australia maybe see what the approaches are in Asian countries, from Japan, Malaysia, Macao, etc etc.

Hi SeulementUneFois I feel confident that things are improving for us, in terms of DS maturity and independence. He's getting less aggressive, and developing his own strategies to regulate his emotional volatility. He's also relatively newly medicated (since April). Obviously the trajectory of development is radically different for him than for his NT peers, but we're letting him go alone to visit my DPs for a cuppa (they are within 5 minutes walking distance of us, but are frail and cannot provide any regular care support). He's great with three of our neighbours, will pop round to say hi for 15 minutes or so. We are well-known in the community, DS is very charming and funny and chatty, but can meltdown and behave impulsively and needs a lot of support to do anything more structured.

I have a behaviour support specialist, and another support person for me. I also have a therapist I see occasionally. PDA is complicated, because DS can present as extremely articulate and unusually insightful, but is actually very, very vulnerable. It's a very misunderstood disability.

I do feel possessive of DH in this situation. I've never felt this way before. I have never had a problem with any of the other women he's worked with or been friendly with, over the years. It's just this particular woman has been mentioned a lot lately by DH, and then she suggested they meet up for coffee.

I think you're a very thoughtful, levelheaded person, and I think there's something about this woman, the way your husband talks about this woman, or the tone of the relationship your husband has with her, that has rang alarm bells. I truly don't think for a second that you're some jealous, irrational, insecure wife who can't tolerate her husband having female friends.

Mentionitis is a very real thing, and even really wonderful people can succumb to affairs. Perhaps you have recognised a spark that the two of them may not have fully acknowledged yet.

I haven't experienced what you're going through right now, but I can definitely appreciate how you're feeling.

OP I think you’ve handled it well. You’ve been open with DH and it seems like he’s a good man and has decided not to meet her for that coffee.

Trust your gut with this woman. I am not sure exactly what the point of a coffee meet up is if they are in regular professional contact anyway and don’t have a history of being particular friends.

Definitely follow PP advice on getting more support with DS and absolutely making time for you and DH to spend together.
💐

'Perhaps you have recognised a spark that the two of them have not fully acknowledged yet.' This feels absolutely right, Aquamarine1029 - I do feel there is a little spark between them, and that DH would not admit this to himself.

We've already had a chat about seeing if my DF can come over for an hour and hang out with DS. My DPs used to spend a bit of time with DS without us, but my DB died suddenly last year, and the grief shattered their ability to do much of anything. But things are a little better now. And I'm re-committed to finding some support workers for the longer term.

While more time together to go for coffee dates would be a good thing, I think it is also important to have supports and friends outside of each other. Going for coffee with a friend should not be seen as unfair and as something neither of you are allowed to do unless it is with each other or together. This sounds like a very smothering relationship to not be allowed to socialize other than with your spouse. Personally, if my husband told me I can only socialize with him and he would be uncomfortable with me going for lunch or coffee without him - I wouldn’t be okay with that.

When you have a child with high care needs plus work it is hard to make and keep friends and I think cutting off outside supports you do have is really detrimental to overall well-being.

I would also be uncomfortable with DH saying I couldn't go out without him. That would be abusive. Fortunately, he has never said that to me, nor I to him. I'm very happy for DH to meet up with friends.

It's this particular woman inviting him out for coffee that's making me uncomfortable, not the general principle of my DH going out with people other than me. Which he can do, and does.

How often does your DH meet up with a friend to talk?

If you don’t trust him, then you don’t trust him. But if he isn’t trustworthy then your efforts to cut him off from coffee breaks aren’t going to matter much. An untrustworthy person will find a way to do what they want to do. You can’t trust him to manage himself around this woman and you have to manage it for him, but he goes to work and other places and you can’t micromanage every interaction. Once the trust is gone, it is hard to get back.

Maybe this is a silly question but is this woman more attractive than his other friends? Could it be as simple as feeling disconnected given all your stress, and maybe her being a fairly attractive woman?

I just wonder if it's a simple reason, not that they are necessarily giving vibes.

I think this woman is over-stepping the mark.

If she wants to meet up with your lovely DH, then you should all go including her DH or not at all.

My instincts would definitely be on alert, because from what you’ve said, imo this woman has taken a shine to your DH.

@rightside, you are not overreacting or being unfair.

I too would feel uncomfortable with their dynamic and the suggestion to meet up, which feels like an escalation. I agree with @Aquamarine1029 about their being a frisson between them that heretofore has been unacknowledged.

There are elements that suggest the possibility of a slippery slope: H’s mentionitis, mutual validation, investment of emotional energy, frequent level of contact, a spark that energizes, her effusive compliments, perhaps KISA/damsel reliance.

It’s natural to be drawn to attention and flattery and being needed, but we in monogamous unions must be aware of that temptation and strengthen our boundaries when faced with it. Perhaps this could be food for discussion.

@rightside, it’s good that you expressed your discomfort and H has backed off the coffee date. I’m crossing my fingers that you are successful in locating more support options for your dear son, and that you and H will have more time and energy to enrich your connection.

rightside

my son is also autistic however he doesn’t have the same challenges as he’s 15 now
however it’s hard hard

the only person he will engage with is his tutor

im hoping that as he matures you can get + respite and + life outside the home

look I’m in the unacknowledged spark camp given that data you have given and your instincts
your marriage needs to be safe given the challenges you have and it sounds like she has taken a shine to him

I think he needs to have a think about this and widen up

'It’s natural to be drawn to attention and flattery and being needed, but we in monogamous unions must be aware of that temptation and strengthen our boundaries when faced with it. Perhaps this could be food for discussion.' Yes, MsDogLady I really like this observation. We're all ND in this family, and boundaries have been a bit of an issue generally in our relationship, for both of us, with regard to both workplace issues, and wider family relationships. The 'elements leading to a slippery slope' you note are also really helpful when set out, so thank you for that.

Thisisworsethananticipated I really feel your comment 'Your marriage needs to be safe given the challenges you have' - it's the very first time I've felt even a tiny bit insecure in my marriage, and it is quite threatening to me, given the stakes. That's why I feel the need to be proactive, but also try not to overreact. Also, it is so wonderful that your DS engages with his tutor. I would love DS to have a mentor.