Does your DH get mean and verbally aggressive in an argument?

[Buttonmoonier]

Trying to figure out what is "normal" as my DF was emotionally abusive so I have grown up being scared of anyone showing anger. DH and I got into an argument. I tried to diffuse it and wanted to talk about things calmly but he got really angry and was sarcastic, mean and verbally aggressive. He didn't say anything really horrible but was just being very unkind in how he spoke to me.

I am really upset and can't figure out whether this is just how people argue and I am really sensitive to it or whether this isn't normal.

We've now made up and he's gone to bed but I'm sitting here shaking with anxiety through the roof. I feel like my normally lovely kind DH got replaced with someone else temporarily.

We don't argue often but when we do it usually goes the same way. Other times he is lovely, kind and caring.

So basically I suppose I'm asking is it "normal" to temporarily turn into a different person when you're angry/arguing?

No it's not normal
Sacracatic or raised voices ok
But insults or aggression - nope.
Speak to him and tell him that it's unacceptable and how it did you feel.

OP, you'd get more responses in Relationships if this was posted there

My ex was like this, I divorced him. Current DH is never ever like this, it’s so much nicer.

No it's not normal. Normal is when you can disagree , maybe snap at each other in times of stress, but then one of you goes 'sorry.. fancy a cup of tea?' .

However it also may be that you are hypersensitive to any arguments... I grew up with an abusive father and I know I am terrified of arguments...any arguments so I am very anxious at any raised voices or what I perceive to be harsh tones, when others would just brush it off.

However my dh KNOWS that and in 35 years we have genuinely never rowed. I think the occasional 'oh fuck off!' when we've annoyed each other is the most we've ever said (usually when packing for camping.. dh turns into the worst micromanager )

Can you talk to your dh about how he makes you feel?

No, never. Not in 18 years. I wouldn't tolerate it if he did either, I can't be doing with grown adults who can't have a disagreement without getting nasty and aggressive.

This is my husband. He's got worse over the years as I've become less of a doormat, but it's truly vile and abusive behavior. I see him now in an entirely different light and it's pretty much ruined our relationship. Too late for me don't let it be too late for you. Nip it in the bud if you can otherwise maybe rethink your future.

No.

No, not ever. We have disagreements, but what you are describing isn’t normal behaviour. Arguing doesn’t give anyone the right to be verbally aggressive.

He's not abusive and doesn't say insults. He just argues in a mean way. It's just so out of character as he's normally so lovely.

I deliberately stayed calm and he said I was being controlling because I stayed calm. And when I interrupted him to ask him not to speak aggressively to me he said I wasn't letting him express his authentic feelings and got even more angry.

When I say aggressive he isn't physically intimidating or anything like that, it's just raised voice, talking over me, being very visibly angry. And looking at me in a horrible way.

It's like he was taken over by an alien.

Men can get really vile and aggressive during arguments, even the ones who are good the rest of the time.

Men can get really vile and aggressive during arguments, even the ones who are good the rest of the time.

You mean some men.
Just the same as some women.

My husband has never been verbally aggressive. Sometimes I actually wish he would be a bit more emotional when he knows I am upset and actually have an opinion!

When in a relationship I could never accept that.
Exactly what you've described happening but I refused to accept it. I picked each piece of aggressive bullshit apart in a calm tone and reminded him that at no point have I raised my voice nor used any aggression. Gaslighting? Nope, I see that and won't have it.
If anything I'd walk away in disgust with the caveat that he doesn't come near me until he can apologise for his unreasonable behaviour. Let him burn himself out with his bullshit. You don’t have to witness it. If he starts, walk away. He can deal with his ridiculousness alone without the spark of any reaction from you.
This is why I've remained single for 11 years. Cant be doing with the bollocks that comes with having a partner.
He's showing himself. Once it comes out, it's not going back in. Please get away from this. It doesn't matter that he's nice most of the time, do you want to spend your life walking on eggshells? He's showing you who he is. Imagine if you did that to him? You'd automatically be the psycho bitch he tells all his friends about.
Just escape. There's nothing left there for you. Don't allow yourself to become his victim, he'd love that.

Right, so to buck the trend here. With this statement I’d say you’re controlling how he can express himself due to trauma. But that then is exacerbating the issue as he’s possibly getting more frustrated?

It doesn’t sound like anyone is in the wrong, you’re triggered by trauma, he’s reacting naturally. Unfortunately they are not meshing well.

[was quoting OPs last comment I thought. Clearly not…]

Sounds quite deliberate and manipulative in the way that he turns what you're saying against you so efficiently. He's not letting you be your authentic self either is he?

Maybe reach out to a counsellor and talk about your relationship with your father and see if you can figure out what's going on here in the present too.

Yes my partner can, however he's diagnosed with EUPD, emotional dysregulation and the emotional intelligence of a pre teen so he struggles to manage his emotions during conflict/confrontation, and can become very petty, sarcy etc.... like a child basically.
Can't say I've ever had it with a partner with no mental health issues though

I don’t know, I’m not fully aligned with these answers, many people get angry in arguments, all you’ve really said is he doesn’t insult etc, just he is mean and unkind,

im a woman and to be honest if im angry I can do that. My husband less so.

It's not normal to have an argument in our marriage tbh very few and far between and usually if something crops up it's minor and because we are ill or tired

You do not have to tolerate anything from a partner that causes you to experience fear and distress, OP. You have explained to him how your partner makes you feel when he turns nasty and aggressive if you have a disagreement, and he refuses to accept this.

You could consider finding other ways to manage his behaviour, or maybe you could consider separating. No one should ever feel afraid in their relationship.

I was a bit like your DH in the arguments in the past with my own DH.

My DH grew up with a very abusive father and in the past when something went wrong if I said it to him, typically he gaslit me about it - behaviour learned from his own father. DH is actually a really, really good guy and while he of course has been impacted by his upbringing he has tried his absolute best. When DH would gaslight me about the problem I would get angry and frustrated about the gaslight and visibly so because I had my own very dysfunctional upbringing feeding my reactions, he then used to act like a peacemaker and try to calm it all down.

It took us a long time to realise what was causing these rows and we both had to do a lot of work to address the dynamic.

No.

That is not normal OP.

Mine and DP's arguments are more like debates. We never raise our voices and we let each other speak. He has never disrespected me.

I often wonder when I hear people talk of this sort of behaviour if you have ever witnessed him doing it outside of you, ie to his parents, to a colleague, a boss, a supermarket till person? Or is it just reserved for you?

An argument or disagreement is fine, but to talk over, be mean to someone is not nice or normal. In fact the way you communicate in an argument can really show someone's true colours.

Him saying you were controlling is bullshit, he wanted you to get down and dirty to the same level as him to justify his mean response. As my Mother would say, never wrestle with a pig, you'll just get dirty and the pig likes it.

We are more debaters than arguers, we can each apologise mid argument without feeling like you have "lost" (there is no winner/loser) take a breath to calm our voice and then suggest a hug or cup of tea etc. It never festers. We have been together almost 30 years.

There are lots of great relationship advice things out there especially on how to communicate. The Gottman Institute has been studying couple's behaviour for decades.

No.

He once raised his voice to me during our first disagreement ( 10 years ago)

I made it quite clear that that was not how I communicate and if he ever spoke to me in that tone again I would be gone and he has never done it again.

He is not aggressive and never has been

My partner has had very healthy relationship behaviour modelled to him and can get assertive or on occasion sarcastic but never actually aggressive.