Does your DH get mean and verbally aggressive in an argument?

[Buttonmoonier]

Trying to figure out what is "normal" as my DF was emotionally abusive so I have grown up being scared of anyone showing anger. DH and I got into an argument. I tried to diffuse it and wanted to talk about things calmly but he got really angry and was sarcastic, mean and verbally aggressive. He didn't say anything really horrible but was just being very unkind in how he spoke to me.

I am really upset and can't figure out whether this is just how people argue and I am really sensitive to it or whether this isn't normal.

We've now made up and he's gone to bed but I'm sitting here shaking with anxiety through the roof. I feel like my normally lovely kind DH got replaced with someone else temporarily.

We don't argue often but when we do it usually goes the same way. Other times he is lovely, kind and caring.

So basically I suppose I'm asking is it "normal" to temporarily turn into a different person when you're angry/arguing?

A loving partner doesn't go to bed leaving their 'loved one' shaking with anxiety and upset.

There are a lot of men that are tender and gentle and loving when things are good that turn into ragining psychopaths when there's an argument.

It’s very, very hard to say OP as none of us have witnessed the argument or knows the two of you. It’s very subjective: what’s considered highly agressive by one person might be pretty mild for another.

What I would say is that, if you love and respect each other, you should try to talk afterwards about how the interaction made you each feel and - importantly- to work out what purpose it was meant to serve. What was the argument about? Why did each of you react the way you did? Did you manage to resolve it?

when DH and I argue he’s a lot more likely to be angry and mean. Having talked afterwards, and just because I know him , I have a pretty good idea what’s contributing to his behaviour. His dad was an angry man and a poor communicator, so he still sees that as normal. His self esteem isn’t great - so he tends to lash out at any affront to his ego. Plus he has a hard job, where he has to be patient with other people all day, so he doesn’t get many outlets to voice his general frustration, and sometimes it bubbles over. None of this is an excuse: but it can be a reason. Me? I am not shouty. But I can be very sarcastic. And my dad didn’t ever shout, but he did do the silent treatment - so I am sensitive to that and find it hard to manage.

so if you can, find a calm moment to talk through what happened and be honest about how you felt in the moment and - if it’s a recurring issue a is there a different way to find a compromise so you don’t have to argue about it.

Some men get loud in arguments. some women cry. Both are immature, abusive behaviour.

Crying is abusive? @Sayitaintso33

@Sayitaintso33 What is wrong with you?

Hi

I think you need to talk to someone about your relationship, without your partner present. As a PP has pointed out, it’s hard to know exactly what’s going on here without knowing more about the rest of your relationship. If you call Refuge or Womens Aid you will be able to have a chat to a woman who will listen to you. It’s just a chat, but you can go into a lot more detail than you can here.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour but it can be hard to see it if you have grown up with abusive parent/s.

womens aid/refuge can help you identify if there are signs of abuse, or not. There are some concerning things in your post, please take some advice.

Two things that concern me:

1. Abusers wear a mask. At the beginning of a relationship they’re good at keeping it on and usually manipulate you in subtle ways. The mask almost always slips in arguments though. The spite and contempt you see in those moments is their true self.
2. Children of abusive parents are much more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships. Once in them, they’re also more likely to not realise they’re being abused.

Good answer above from @TheTellTaleHeart

I would also add that people who are abusive have also often been abused themselves, which can

a) cause you to excuse their behaviour out of an over-abundance of empathy for their trauma and

b) cause them to have distorted ideas of what's 'normal' and 'tolerable' in a relationship. They grew up being abused yet they think they turned out 'all right', but don't realise that their standards for acceptable behaviour in a relationship are far lower than most people's. So if you object to their abusive behaviour they will tell you that you are being ridiculous/dramatic and over-sensitive.

Well it's normal as in there are many men who are like this but they are abusers.

Your husband is abusive and is an abuser.

He frightens you into submission and has stopped you from being yourself because you are in an unsafe enviroment.

You will change and adapt to survive in this enviroment.
And if you think he can't control himself, I bet he can, I bet he doesn't do this to anyone else, just you.

He is killing your spirit, breaking you to conform to his control.

It's horrible stuff and only gets worse if you try to stand up to the bully or try to explain your pain in being treated this way. He won't ever want to know, that's not the game here, the game is control, submission and him being in charge and you never being taken into account.

And that means they are not a loving partner. Anyone can be nice when things are good, the test of a relationship is how people treat each other when its not easy.

I discovered too late in my relationship that some people in an argument just want to “win”, it often goes with a fragile ego.

In the moment of the argument they don’t want a reasonable debate, they just want the win and for you to shut up.

Being mean and aggressive in an argument can become a real issue in a marriage if it means eventually that the other partner feels they can’t raise issues because they just get shouted down.

Be proactive, perhaps look up articles/books and effective communication, therapy etc, so you know how to bring this up to your DH. Perhaps he will be happy to learn better communication.

However some partners just don’t want to be reasonable because they don’t want to lose the control they have over you.

I agree with you.

I'm just unsure if it's realistic to find a partner who is loving all the time.

Even friendships have their moments of resentment, envy and competitiveness.

So to share a life with someone and then there are bound to be moments when the other party is under stress.

Or, and particularly on MN, people who luve with each other for 20 years plus. Nothing bad happens, spark goes missing and even then there is resentment and feelings hurt.

I would (genuinely) like to learn how you define a loving partner.

I didn't say "men get"
I said "men can get"

Crying during an argument is often a manipulative failure to control your emotions and a deliberate attempt to shut down the other person.

Apologies for the ludicrously slow reply.

I suppose it's the same with abused animals, they whimper to stop the offender from hurting them.

Deary me.
Seriously lacking empathy.