To those that have stayed after infidelity

[Chattysusan]

Just wondering if at any point it gets any easier? Husband of 20 years cheated 2 years ago. A very drunken night it happened but then met up afterwards after a week on the sly before me working it out, they were messaging and phone calls in that week. I chose to stay for a few reasons. 20 years, a child and what we had achieved over the years and I guess him begging that he’d stuffed up and for me to stay. It’s been horrible for me internally. Initially we talked and talked and he answered all my questions truthfully etc etc after many many weeks we agreed to stop talking about it and try and move forward. The problem is it’s still with me every single day. I have not forgiven him and I don’t see that ever happening. I am disgusted in the person he did it with and find it so humiliating of who he chose over me. Just recently he brought it up himself and said himself that he was disgusted in himself and was embarrassed with what he did and who with which did help me to feel a little better in the moment. But truthfully every day it’s with me and I even get so angry I’ll pick arguments with him over other things to try and cover up that I’m still struggling. I love him but I don’t think I’ve felt “in love” with him since. He’s done everything I asked of him since we chose to stay together but I’m just mentally not moving on. Does it ever get easier? I still have moments (usually around my period) that I will not sleep well because I keep waking up with it in my head. I’ve gone through over eating to under eating. Isolating myself, avoiding people who I know, know her because (no one knows about it, it’s been kept secret) I get triggered if people mention her name in conversation. I get anxious gosh the list goes on. I’d like to stay with him but I guess I figured 2 years in the healing would be further along by now and I’m not sure if I can stay much longer if I’m going to continue to feel like this everyday.

Hello, I am in the same boat as you (sending a virtual hug). My husband cheated 5 years ago but I only found out early 2019. In all honesty it has completely destroyed me. My confidence is much lower and I still feel anxious about it happening again. We moved away (not just because of this) but it does help knowing she’s miles away now and to be fair to him he did cut all contact straight away. Did you have any couples counselling? We did and I must say that helped me.
We don’t have any children (yet) but like you i chose to stay because of the marriage we have built up over the years and I do believe he is remorseful (he had a lot of individual counselling too) but MY GOD it is hard. You’re not alone xx

Thankyou, I’m having a little cry reading that. My confidence has also took a whack within myself and my marriage. Professionally I have excelled though haha nothing like throwing yourself into work. Very similar experience to you, also moved, also cut all ties. We chose not to go to counselling however I think I should have went on my own which he was happy for me to do. I also believe my hubby is remorseful comments he has made and the changes he has made but I’m just feeling a little to broken right now to know if that will ever be enough

The way you eloquently describe some of the consequences of being cheated on should be written into marriage contracts, or something, so that people realise what can happen to their betrayed spouse should they themselves decide to cheat on them.
I honestly think that most people who cheat don't have the slightest clue what can happen to the betrayed partner when they find out. It can be such a monumental shift that it can alter their very existence. Maybe their existence doesn't change objectively speaking, but the way the betrayed partner perceives their reality can be changed overnight. One day everything's just as it is, going about your day, not needing to think about such things. The next day, everything is greyer, the way you go about your day is different, you're continually thinking about things to do with his infidelity. I think perhaps only someone who has been betrayed will really understand.
What you describe is, I'm sure you are aware, completely normal. Devastatingly normal. I think you will learn to manage it, given time. It's such a cliche but it is true that time is a great healer.
It is very sad for both you and for him that the 'in love' feeling will never be as it once was. But you might be able to feelings for him again, providing he continues to put the work in.

However long it’s been since you discovered the cheating you can still decide to leave the relationship if you can’t move on from it.

So often (women especially) feel if they’ve given their husband another chance and he’s behaved impeccably since that you somehow now owe it to him to stay and you no longer have a valid reason to leave as too long has gone by and he’s ‘proved’ himself since then.

He cheated, he broke the vows and by doing that has ‘broken’ you. HE did those things and no matter how he’s behaved since you were fine and happy before he did this so it’s on him. It’s all on him.

Please put yourself first and feel empowered to end the relationship if you feel that’s what is right for you. The only person ever guaranteed to go through the whole of your life with you is YOU. Give yourself the same compassion, kindness and empathy as you give other people and put the most important person first..not him, YOU.

You’ve done nothing wrong and yet you’re living every day feeling wretched because of this man and his actions. Seriously consider freeing yourself to live your life unburdened by these relentless feelings he’s inflicted on you. You only have one life and could have a much happier, more peaceful one without looking at someone every day who has hurt you so badly and feeling obligated to carry on feeling this way every day because he is ‘sorry’. You don’t have to hate him or fall out with him but you don’t have to be married to him either.

It's so bloody hard. I'm glad I stuck it out though. It's been 11 years now and firmly in the past.
It was a one off but with lots of messaging before hand. We were going through a rough patch and the OW pounced at the right time. Alcohol involved too.
I was angry (very angry!!) for a good 3 years and like you, would pick fights over silly things. It ate me alive initially and seemed to always be at the back of my mind. I couldn't seem to move passed it.
Like you, my DH made all the changes, was genuinely remorseful and I really and truly cannot imagine him ever doing something like that again.
We went to counselling after 3 years as I was sick of feeling stuck in a rut and so angry. I also did a few sessions of CBT on my own. Both definitely helped. I would highly recommend.
After counselling we agreed to make a conscious effort to focus solely on the future. From small things like planning a really nice cook up on a Saturday evening, to planning holidays, we started running together and basically always having something nice planned or on the horizon be-it big or small. It helped us push forward and out of the painful rut.

Good luck OP

My husband cheated after 26 years. I thought we were great together, best friends, lots of laughter, really happy and hardly ever had any rows. We weren't going through a rocky patch and nothing had changed in our home or financial situation. It crucified me. One minute I was on planet earth, the next minute I might as well have been transported to Mars. Everything I thought was real suddenly wasn't. I've never got over it.

I’m in the same boat. I did leave with the kids for a month, but it was absolutely unbearable having the kids have to live between two houses. So I’ve ended up coming back. It’s very early days - it’s great for the kids, but not so much for me. I feel like he doesn’t really want me here and he isn’t particularly nice to me. Infuriating when he is the one who has caused all this damage.

I’ve realised he has absolutely no emotional intelligence, is a misogynist and extremely selfish. I know everybody will be thinking why did she go back, but for me, my priority is having the kids stable in one home.

I now need to try and find a way to tolerate living with him for the next few years.

I do sympathise with you OP 💐

I could cry for you. You need to get some counselling yourself to talk through all these feeling you are having. Then you can assess what the future holds for you. Esther Perel is worth a read/listen.

Oh OP, the worst thing you have done is 'agree to stop talking about it'. Why? That clearly isn't working and that doesn't make it go away. It will leave you Stationary, which is where you are by the sounds of it.

You talk about it as long as is needed, not necessarily the Affair details over & over (unless you wish to) but more the way it has left you feeling and how much it has devastated your life. There is no time limit on this. You need to have an outlet and be able to express your pain & suffering to your OH. He needs to help you to heal if you're staying together. After all, he caused this destruction! If someone else hit you deeply, you would talk about it as long as you felt you needed to.

Why should he never hear of it again when you're in so much distress?

How can you work through it & reconcile if you never even talk about it?

You will make yourself ill. You both need to be in it together.

Please sit down and have an open honest talk with your OH about this and your feelings and see what kind of response you get. He should be empathetic and willing to reassure you and help you in any way he can, and do things to help relieve your stress and associated feelings.

If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, then I fear you as an individual will really struggle to feel happy & secure in this relationship and that may mean you need to reconsider your relationship. Perhaps consider a few sessions of Couple Counselling too so he can really understand how you feel and talk about ways he can help you?

I also hate the expression 'move on'. The facts of what he did will never, ever go away. You will always remember it and live with it and it will always be tainted. It will never be pure and the same as it was before. Sorry to be harsh. You can't change the facts and that is why so many relationships end from infidelity and it is ok to walk away. Being together 20 years and having Child doesn't mean you have to stay.

But if you choose to stay together, which is also ok and understandable, the aim is to work through the emotions and utter destruction (because that's what it is) together, to have the best relationship you can given what has happened.

Sending hugs OP. It's a rough rough ride and I wish society talked more about the devastation that cheating causes.

@WhatFreshHell1 Please please don't stay for the kids. Yes obviously they're delighted right now to have you both together, but long term this situation is going to be far more damaging to them than adapting to a new "separate" dynamic. You have already said that he's awful to you, and that's right now ! It the honeymoon phase of being back together! This is only going to get worse and that tension will only negatively affect the children. Would you like to see them in your situation in the future ? Trapped in an unhappy relationship? Would you want your son to think it's ok and acceptable to treat his partner like this? Or your daughter to believe that she should just accept it ? (Or vice versa - no reason why it should be that way around) Ultimately there is a huge risk that they will find themselves in these positions because their upbringing will have taught them that it's normal.
I'm not saying 'don't stay' I'm saying don't make the kids your reason to stay.

Once you know the lies and deceit they are capable of, unlit is neve the same again.

"I'll pick fights with him to cover up that I'm still struggling"

Why don't you just say how you really feel? What is your rationale behind bottling all up internally OP?

Whether you stay or go, I would recommend some counselling - ideally couples counselling as well as 121.

I also found the Shirley Glass book “Not just friends” a really helpful resource

Agee with the PP that you need to keep talking about this until neither of you need to do so. Trying to suppress your feelings will not work.

@Chattysusan i think this is more compounded by the fact that people in your circle know the woman so it's not like you can talk to people about it. I think it's ok to stay but you both need to put a lot more work into it all. He cant change the past but you also cant keep reminding him. It sounds like you dont want to try anymore because you dont care anymore whereas before you did.

I left an abusive relationship with babies in hand myself because i didnt want my children to think his behaviour was normal. TBH id feel the same about cheating too. I have real FOMO, especially with relationships and i have a few close family/friends who have great ones so i feel that is also what i deserve. Anything like this situation would make me leave because it would then be ruined for me.

I stayed for 5 years after I found out my ex-husband cheated. Tried to push it all under the rug and had another baby, but it ate away at the love and respect I had for him. It can never be the same after infidelity.
I'm much happier now without that hanging around me.

I agree you need to talk about this more not less. Not picking over details but how you're being affected such as when the OW is mentioned. It's not 'I've said sorry, what more can I do?'. I don't mean all day lond and some of this could be in therapy if not already but you can't just draw a line. Its not working that way. Why should you suffer like this? I don't think picking fights is helping when you know full well what the problem is. A proper counsellor may help.

Also please bear in mind that you have tried and trying. If you reach a point where you've tried as hard as you can and don't want this anymore then it is fine to walk away.

OP, ignore PP who said 'you can't keep reminding him'. They don't know how it feels. Talking about his Affair and the impact it has had on you is not to 'remind him'. It is to help YOU and also to help him to navigate through this mess together. He caused the mess and these are the Consequences.

You need to keep talking. That is how you 'work through things'. Please don't bottle up. Please talk! Not communicating will end in disaster.

It doesn't matter how much you talk about it, he can't go back in time and unfuck her.

That's what we really want, for it to never have happened.

Over 5 years in, it doesn't get better. There are still times that i hope he gets in a car accident and doesn't come home.

Find a way to your own happiness, because the only person that you can rely on is yourself.

Esther Perel is an affair apologist who puts a rather romantic slant on affairs/moving forward.

OP, I suspect this was a deal breaker for you and thsts why you aren't getting over it.

Good luck whatever way you go. CBT would likely be helpful.

Thankyou everyone so much for your replies. I will clarify that we do talk about how I’m feeling from time to time. He is well aware he has broken me. We don’t talk details. Again thanks to everyone for replying when I really needed to hear from people who get it xx

@Chattysusan just wondering how you are doing how nearly a year on? Have things got better? I am in your position and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

My ex-wife cheated on me around 2 years into our marriage. I was heartbroken at the time, but for some reason I decided to stay. I think it was a combination of feeling embarrassed that we'd only been married for a short time, feeling lonely and isolated, as I was living away from my family, and I was also scared that I wouldn't meet anyone else. Had I known of this site back then, reading some similar posts, I'm nearly certain I would have been brave enough to have left the marriage back then.
I managed to forgive, but found it nearly impossible to forget. We did eventually divorce, and I'm a lot happier for it now.

Hi sunnylife2. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this, it is so gut wrenching. An unbearable pain. We are doing pretty good to be honest. I won’t lie it does still pop into my head daily but it’s now popping out as quick as it’s popped in. I will never forgive what he did and my trust will never fully be regained but we are in a pretty good place at the moment. It’s taken 3 years to get here though.

First time poster here.
This happened to me (M64) when wife ( F67) was caught 19 years ago. We had been married 24 years then with two boys.We decided to stay together because the youngest was still at home and doing his exams, she begged me for a second chance even though I told her I wanted a divorce but I relented. The pain was excruciating and made me physically unwell , I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The flashbacks are still present even today, at some point it goes through my mind every single day for a few minutes and then I try to focus on something else. Like you I never have forgiven her and I never will, she tells me she loves me every day and I reply the same, but it’s not the same. I only love her the same as any other member of the family. Haven’t touched her intimately since the day I found out about the affair.

That’s so sad.

I completely understand your reasons for staying together, but it’s a shame you couldn’t either work through what happened to make your relationship good again (really difficult, I know), or left and found another relationship.