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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be happy with my lot?

41 replies

Myviewsalone · 14/11/2023 19:06

Hello, I’ll try and keep this short. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. We live about an hour away from each other and only see each other on a Saturday evening and Sunday (with the odd full Saturday if work allows). Basically, this isn’t enough for me and I know the relationship isn’t going anywhere although I know he wouldn’t have any plans to leave me.
We can’t live together because he has to travel for work in the opposite direction and I have to stay with my mother who is a widow. I know what my options are but if any of you were in my shoes would you be more likely to accept this or cut your losses?
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Epidote · 14/11/2023 19:32

Are you happy with the current situation? I think you aren't.
Do you see yourself with him in the future? A future together? Can he change job? Does your mum depends on you for everything?

What I'm trying to say is your situation may be temporary, short term, mid term or long term. That won't change the current circumstances but can make them more palatable.
Of course you need to be happy. Don't relay on moving together if you already see that you are not completely in love.

Sometimes people relay in a conditional future to think the issues their relationship is having in the present will be solved by a magic wand.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/11/2023 19:35

It depends on how old you are and what sort of a future you'd like. Is having children something you'd like? Is buying a house together something you'd like?

Loverofoxbowlakes · 14/11/2023 19:37

You're not obliged to live with your mum just because she's a widow op. Don't you ever see yourself living independently from her?

You can't have more contact with your bf if you're not prepared to spend more time together, your relationship cannot progress the way you want until you can find a way forward.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 19:45

I have to stay with my mother who is a widow

Why on earth is this true? You do not have to sacrifice your life to keep her company, op. That's madness.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 14/11/2023 19:46

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 19:45

I have to stay with my mother who is a widow

Why on earth is this true? You do not have to sacrifice your life to keep her company, op. That's madness.

I agree. I'd be horrified if my daughter ever felt she had to stay with me and put her own life and happiness on hold for any reason, even this.

labmum567 · 14/11/2023 19:53

Please don't put your life on hold for your mum. You will regret it

Original poster
Myviewsalone · 14/11/2023 19:56

I appreciate your comments but my mother is elderly and very nervous. I only have one brother who is fond of the drink so wouldn’t be suitable to live with her. Basically if I moved out it would kill her. And unfortunately with the job situation I work in retail and I’ve no experience working in, say an office environment which would have more social hours. I’m 38.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 21:00

Basically if I moved out it would kill her.

It really wouldn't. I'm wondering if your mother has been manipulating you your entire life.

Mylovelygreendress · 14/11/2023 21:06

So your Mum is how old? Late 60s? Early 70s? That’s really not elderly ( I am 66) and if you feel you need to stay because she is nervous, then she needs to seek help . She could live another 10/20 years !
I have 2 adult DDs and would never expect them to put their lives on hold for me !

Boating123 · 14/11/2023 21:09

If you want a life with your boyfriend and possibly babies you need to move out.
You could still visit your mum.

labmum567 · 14/11/2023 21:10

Your mother will cope and you are young enough to train in any job. What do you want, if it's marriage and kids then don't let your obligation to
Your mother stop
You

TheLittleWhitePill · 14/11/2023 21:11

The elephant in the room is that you feel you need to live with your mother until she dies…

You really don’t have to do this. And there is a middle ground between living with her forever and never seeing her again.

Sounds like you may benefit from some counselling before ending the relationship which should be able to progress in the usual way.

Do you really think it’s fair to you that your life is totally dominated by this feeling of clearly overwhelming obligation?

SeethroughDress · 14/11/2023 21:11

If you want any kind of independent future, your mother will have to cope.

RedCoffeeCup · 14/11/2023 21:13

Sorry OP, I know it's hard, but I think you need to move out. Your mum is massively affecting your life and choices (and not in a good way). Could you look into a retirement accommodation for your mum if she's not able to live alone? My PILs moved into one of these last year and it has worked really well for them, lots of support and other people around.

EvenBetta · 14/11/2023 21:17

Who has led you to believe it would kill your mother if you lived independently? Did you arrive at this thought by yourself or does she manipulate you? I have a toxic mother and worked in a similar industry to you, I stopped feeling responsible for my mother, and, got a WFH job. Life is bliss now. If I can do it, you can too.

Masterofhappydays · 14/11/2023 21:18

As a mother, what would kill me more than anything would be having my children sacrifice their own lives for me.

You could still visit your mother a few times a week if you moved an hour away to be with your bf.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/11/2023 21:18

Am I right in thinking you're Irish, OP? So care of family is entrenched in the culture and (whatever people say) you can't really leave your mammy for a random man?

If he can't find a way to be with you and support you in caring for you mam, I'd cut my losses with him and find a man willing to come to you or a man in your local area. Especially if you want wains as you're running out of time at 38.

While you're with him there's no space in your life for Mr. Right.

BeautifulWar · 14/11/2023 21:19

This is so sad to read. You deserve your own life. I am a widow and it would kill me to see my DC living a limited life because of me, but the other way around.

Seas164 · 14/11/2023 21:20

Your mother can not reasonably expect you to put your own life on hold to live with her until the end of hers. She will not drop dead in your absence, nervous or not, you need to find another arrangement that doesn't involve you feeling responsible for killing her if you move out. This isn't healthy.

Original poster
Myviewsalone · 14/11/2023 22:02

Yes I am Irish and to be fair to her she (and my dad) have spoiled me my whole life and I still benefit from cooked dinners etc. On my dad’s death bed I made a promise that I’d look after her and she is in not the best of health/ has been in hospital a few times in the last few years.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 14/11/2023 22:13

I don't wish to be unduly harsh @Myviewsalone but as you are not prepared to make any changes to your life then unless you can find someone who lives nearby who you might sometimes see on weeknights then I am not quite sure what you would expect from anyone else.
Your 'lot' sounds perfect for your circumstances to be honest.

EvenBetta · 14/11/2023 22:15

Well if you choose to stay living with your mother and see a bloke once a week, that’s on you. You could make other choices, you would not be abandoning your mother, you could take responsibility for your life if you actually wanted to.

Opentooffers · 14/11/2023 22:23

Sheltered accommodation would be better for your mother maybe. You could still choose to live nearby. Doubt you'd get any further with the current BF, you could have hope for the future though. Just stop dating people from such a distance if you want a relationship to progress. It's not practical.

cassiatwenty · 14/11/2023 22:34

If I were you, I would need to know that my relationship with a man is going somewhere/progressing/that someone is making life changes to build a better life for him, and motivates me to do the same for him

Especially if you live with an elderly parent, more than anyone, I feel like you'd benefit knowing there's more to life than caring for someone but also build YOUR OWN life and future. A man that's right for you would push you to strive for something better.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/11/2023 23:22

How ‘elderly’ is your mum if you’re just 38?

Sounds like you’re being played by virtue of being a woman, and you’re missing out on life entirely as a result.

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