Should I be happy with my lot?

[Myviewsalone]

Hello, I’ll try and keep this short. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. We live about an hour away from each other and only see each other on a Saturday evening and Sunday (with the odd full Saturday if work allows). Basically, this isn’t enough for me and I know the relationship isn’t going anywhere although I know he wouldn’t have any plans to leave me.
We can’t live together because he has to travel for work in the opposite direction and I have to stay with my mother who is a widow. I know what my options are but if any of you were in my shoes would you be more likely to accept this or cut your losses?
Thanks for reading.

Not sure what you want to hear . It seems your mum spoils you and you still get cooked meals everyday . You’re obviously not going to leave and live with your boyfriend by the sounds of things , and it’s not suitable for him to move in with you and your mum. It’s entirely up to you what you settle for .

@Myviewsalone - only you can decide whether the life you describe is enough for you. It wouldn’t be enough for most people. It seems to be cancelling out your life.

You’re 38. Do you want children? If so, you need to get cracking.

Hopefully your mum will be around for many, many more years but how do you see your life unfolding while she’s here and after she’s gone?

If you imagine yourself looking back at, say, 55 - and you see decades spent living with your mum and then, after she has gone, you see yourself alone in the house you once shared with her. Without a life partner. Without children. Maybe just 1 or 2 friends. How does that feel to you? Do you think that would feel like enough?

And remember that your mum got to have what she is denying you. She got to have a husband. She got to have children. So how come you’re supposed to give that up for her?

@Dery Harsh but I agree with you 100 %

It would not kill your mother if you moved out, your being manipulated and if you really want to move in with your boyfriend do it , you can't an shouldn't be expected to give up your life

I agree with pp - how elderly is your mum op?

A deathbed promise to your dad doesn't mee you have to sacrifice your happiness to care for an increasingly needy parent. If she is so fragile that SHE WILL DIE if you leave home perhaps a conversation about care needs to be had?

If you're 38, how old is she? A young mum might be 60,you might be denying your happiness for another 30 years! Would your dad want that?

OP hasn’t replied for 2 days. Pointless thread.

If you love the guy and want a more conventional relationship with him, it seems wrong-headed to give it up. And as pp's have said, your mum had a husband and children, why is it reasonable to expect you to give up that?

The point of raising children isn't to keep them at our sides to look after us, but to let them fly, let them live their lives.

Couldn't both you and your mother move closer to him?

Couldn't you travel back regularly to see her from his place? Heck, it's an only an hour away. You could spend half your time with him and half your time with her.

There's so many options, I don't see why you'd choose to end a good relationship, unless it's not that good, I suppose.

Also, would OP even have the house? If it belongs to the mum, then any inheritance would presumably be divided between her and her brother.

What's with the lrish staying home with their mothers??
I'm lrish in my 60s and no one l know my age or younger stays home with their mom.
Do you want to have children?
Is this the guy you want to marry?
It's absolutely crazy letting your mom be the reason for not living a full life. Start to think of how you can change things. Even staying with bf every Friday and Saturday so your mom gets used to being by herself.

Have you and your bf talked about the future?
For goodness sake you only have one life..start to do a few things differently.

Any deathbed promise is likely to have been extracted under duress and is therefore not binding.

Promising to look after your mum isn't the same as promising to live with her until she dies, and in so doing potentially miss out on a relationship if your own and children.

No loving parent would expect that of their child. I can't imagine that your dad expected you to basically give up on large elements of your own life, to look after your mum.

Plenty of elderly (and by elderly I mean 80+) widows live alone. Plenty of ill people live alone. You can still talk as much as you like, and visit every week if you want. But please don't feel obliged to live with your mum forever.

So..... if you accept you don't have to, it's then down to if you WANT to live with your mum. Because that's OK, so long as you understand that at some point you will be choosing living with your mum over getting serious with someone / getting married / having children.

As for your current bf, your circumstances are dictating the lack of progress as much as his are. You both have to decide how serious you are, and what you're willing to compromise on to be together.

It could just be that he isn't 'the one'.

I think as you’ve made your decision to live with your mum for as long as she’s alive, then your options are limited in terms of relationships. Even if you found someone local, they’d need to accept there was no real future.

I couldn’t be in a relationship where we didn’t see each other.

Do you love him?

also an hour isn’t that far, it’s a work commute. So seems like it’s a relationship of convenience for both of you. Is he allowed to stay at your mums with you?

1. Nobody can tell you whether you ought to be happy, either you are or you aren't.

2. It isn't your lot unless you let it be.

3. An hour away isn't really a long distance relationship. Plenty of people would travel further than that for great sex.