Is this a “it’s not me it’s you”?

[Drunkskunkbat]

A couple years ago I was having a casual (FWB) relationship with someone, he wanted a more serious relationship but at the time I wasn’t in the right head space to be in that kind of relationship, he decided it was ok and we continued as FWB for a while. Then one day he totally vanished, blocked me on social media and on his phone. I assumed he couldn’t handle just being FWB which is fair but he could have told me without blocking me. 18 months later he reappeared on SM (unblocked me), we started talking again and ended up in what I assumed was some kind of relationship. In the time where we were no contact he was in a relationship with someone else, I am unsure if she was the reason he blocked me but it’s possible.
We have been seeing each other once a week for 6 months, he told me that he messed up by blocking me and that he didn’t want to lose me again, a few weeks ago he told me he was in love with me. There’s a huge chemistry between us and we get on really well. All was going great.
Last week he started messaging me less, not saying good night to me in the evenings (which he always does) and then Friday he stopped messaging altogether, eventually he sent me a message saying that he’s sorry he’s quiet but he’s dealing with stuff in his head, he cancelled our plans for the weekend (made up an excuse) and then vanished again. We have exchanged a few messages today, mostly him saying his life is a mess and he doesn’t know what he wants out of life…..blah…blah…blah.
I have stopped messaging him, I don’t want to chase him, I don’t want to look desperate but I just want to understand what’s going on. How can he be declaring his undying love for me one minute and now he doesn’t seem to give a toss about me?

Is it over? Has he basically done a “it’s not you it’s me”? On me?

I know there’s nothing I can really do, I’m just feeling really shocked and upset about it all 😢. He does have a history of mental health issues, he does have episodes of feeling low and depressed but I am taking it very personally.

Too much effort, I’d let him go.

I think I know that it’s over anyway.

I’m just fed up with almost every relationship I have been in ending like this. He’s the first person I have felt safe with for ages (after being in an abusive relationship and then meeting a few complete idiots). I’m 42 and should be able to spot the red flags by now.

"eventually he sent me a message saying that he’s sorry he’s quiet but he’s dealing with stuff in his head, he cancelled our plans for the weekend (made up an excuse) and then vanished again. We have exchanged a few messages today, mostly him saying his life is a mess and he doesn’t know what he wants out of life…..blah…blah…blah"

Do you want to be with someone who is so unreliable and such hard work? I wouldn't be impressed by having my time wasted by 'stuff in his head' because 'his life's a mess'. I want an adult to partner me...not a bloody project. I'm not a counsellor or his mummy...and I don't have endless patience either.
How can you be fucked with him?

My guess would be that either he still loved tou and realises.you don't love him so he's making the same mistake again.

Or he came back wanting to treat you as you had him (In his mind). Wanting you to develop feelings. And now either that's working or it's not working he has decided to pull away. Either to fuck with your head/heart or because he's trying another tactic or...because he's realised he's only hurting himself by doing this.

Either way...too.much drama.
Don't get into fwb with people who have feelings for you in future. Its messy.

I’m not sure he’s the type to seek revenge, he understood my reasoning for not wanting a relationship first time around but I totally get that he may have been hurt because I didn’t feel the same way. I do have feeling for him and I wanted to take things slow and see how it went. When he told me he loved me I don’t think he expected me to say it back as he knows how hard it is for me to say the ‘L’ word it I showed him I cared in other ways.

I will stop messaging him, I will try and keep busy with other things, I don’t want him to think I’m upset.

What did you say when he declared his love?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I'm afraid this is who he is. An unreliable immature idiot. You don't deserve this, you can't explain his behaviour and it won't help you trying to understand him. He's just an arse. Plain and simple.

It's your turn to block, and walk away for good this time.

@Treacletoots and @pictoosh have hit the nail on the head

I think its more about 'ego' than revenge.

Some men just cannot handle accepting that women just want fwb with them. They need you to fall in love.

And when you do, they ghost. Or they make out you are clingy and changing the rules...when it's them that hadn't stuck to the fwb rules the whole way along.

Take it at face value... He has stuff going on in his head. Especially fi you say he has a history of MH issues. He's withdrawing into his man cave for whatever reason, probably not linked to you at all.

If you stay in this relationship that's how it's always going to be, good times and times like this. It's pretty tough and makes you doubt yourself.

Maybe watch the new Robbie Williams documentary, that may give you a somewhat familiar picture, minus the addiction issues hopefully.

Maybe you were blinded, because if someone blocked you out of the blue and you just start to talk to them after 18 months like nothing happened - that's a big fat giant red flag, you chose to ignore it 🤷🏽‍♀️

Chuck him in the bin, enjoy your single life snd casually date

I did chose to ignore the red flag, though I talked myself into believing I had hurt his feelings but not wanting a relationship. I did question him about it and he tried to make out he didn’t block me (another red flag).

I knew about his mental health issues before we became FWB and it was one of the reasons I didn’t want a relationship at the time. He then made out he had his shit together and was happy with life but this seems to be something he does (tells everyone how much he loves life and then suddenly he goes the other way being deeply depressed).

When he told me he loved me he didn’t say it to my face. There was a huge build up to him dropping hints that he wanted to say the ‘L’ word, he told me I was an amazing person etc…etc… and that he loved me. I have told him today that the reason I never said it back was because I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t randomly vanish or block me.

‘by not wanting a relationship’

Yes he's using you

I think he wanted to even the playing field for the sake of his ego. Sad. Maybe you would have been right for each other, but the way he's behaved, it's like his Ego is The One.

It's not you, it's him.

I wouldn't waste any more time on this one, he is clearly flaky and has things 'going on in his head' - otherwise known as 'doesn't know whether to shit or get off the pot'.

He'll mess you around forever more if you let him.

I just feel more angry now thinking that he used me for an ego trip, maybe it’s better to feel angry than upset. In his messages he kept saying “my heads a mess and I’m scared I will hurt you, I don’t want to hurt you”, it’s all a load of crap to make himself feel better.

Yeah its a load of crap.

I'd reply 'That sucks. OK then. Let's break up then. All the best with the mental health stuff but don't contact me again'.

Block and delete.

He wants you all upset and begging for him back. Nothing fucks with this plan than seeing you are barely bothered.

He owes me £100, I bought him something in return for him doing a job for me, obviously he won’t be doing the job so I want the £100 back that I spent on the item. I might message asking for the money so then I can draw a line under us and block him.

This.

IP, the signs were there but, for whatever reason, you chose to ignore them.

It's not 'you', we all meet flakey people - men for relationships; women as friends etc.

If someone blocked me out of nowhere and turned up messaging 18 months later, I'd roll my eyes, laugh at the cheek of it and take the piss with my friends. I wouldn't find myself sleeping with them again.

So if it keeps happening, you need to think about how you can do things differently. I'd start by not picking up again with men who've blocked you for 18 months previously.

Tbh, I'd just write that off.

Oh he is a loser! I feel angry on your behalf that he duped you. 6 months is ages to be with someone, you must be absolutely blindsided. I'm sorry for that experience. Please block him after you have got your money back.

Sadly I can’t afford to write of the £100 😬. I’m going to leave it a few days and then ask him for the money.

Just tell him you want the money. Don't wait. Keep it clinical.

I have a question for you: How do you make your decisions about what it a red flag and what isn't? This is pertaining to all previous troublesome relationships, including this one. What decides you to say no? What criteria are you checking against?

I do usually have high standards, not so high if it’s just a FWB thing which is maybe why I ignored the red flags, I didn’t really plan on this being more than FWB but it was different than last time we were together (more chemistry) so it became more than that. I should have reminded myself that he blocked me for 18 months but I guess I talked myself into believing it was my fault for leading him on and him wanting more than I did, maybe I should have been clearer?

The last person I dated was full of red flags but I didn’t really have feeling for him because he was so cold. One day I disagreed with something he said and he vanished off the face of the earth (I didn’t chase after him, just left it).

I have been single on and off for 8 years, one abusive relationship which knocked me for six which is why I have stuck to FWB/casual, I haven’t really showed feelings towards anyone since then until now and even now I don’t use the L word.

I am Neurodiverse (ADHD) so I do struggle to read people, I also get bored of people pretty quickly which is why I don’t tend to get into a serious relationship.