Is this a “it’s not me it’s you”?

[Drunkskunkbat]

A couple years ago I was having a casual (FWB) relationship with someone, he wanted a more serious relationship but at the time I wasn’t in the right head space to be in that kind of relationship, he decided it was ok and we continued as FWB for a while. Then one day he totally vanished, blocked me on social media and on his phone. I assumed he couldn’t handle just being FWB which is fair but he could have told me without blocking me. 18 months later he reappeared on SM (unblocked me), we started talking again and ended up in what I assumed was some kind of relationship. In the time where we were no contact he was in a relationship with someone else, I am unsure if she was the reason he blocked me but it’s possible.
We have been seeing each other once a week for 6 months, he told me that he messed up by blocking me and that he didn’t want to lose me again, a few weeks ago he told me he was in love with me. There’s a huge chemistry between us and we get on really well. All was going great.
Last week he started messaging me less, not saying good night to me in the evenings (which he always does) and then Friday he stopped messaging altogether, eventually he sent me a message saying that he’s sorry he’s quiet but he’s dealing with stuff in his head, he cancelled our plans for the weekend (made up an excuse) and then vanished again. We have exchanged a few messages today, mostly him saying his life is a mess and he doesn’t know what he wants out of life…..blah…blah…blah.
I have stopped messaging him, I don’t want to chase him, I don’t want to look desperate but I just want to understand what’s going on. How can he be declaring his undying love for me one minute and now he doesn’t seem to give a toss about me?

Is it over? Has he basically done a “it’s not you it’s me”? On me?

I know there’s nothing I can really do, I’m just feeling really shocked and upset about it all 😢. He does have a history of mental health issues, he does have episodes of feeling low and depressed but I am taking it very personally.

You don't have to read people. You have to respond to your own feelings about them. One of the cardinal traits of a healthy relationship is that you make sense to each other. Being neurodiverse doesn't mean that your relationship will feel more bewildering to you than if you were neurotypical; it means that you might have to look for longer to find the right person. Once you get the compatible partner, it's the same as for everyone else: you have a degree of understanding that feels good to you, you love spending time together, you respect each others' needs and quirks.

If you can't read someone to a degree that makes you comfortable, you're not compatible with each other, ND or NT.

But I did feel comfortable with him (more than anyone else), I didn’t with the person I last had a relationship with or anyone else I have dated in the last 8 years. He said all the right things and I thought he meant it but obviously I got it wrong.

I don’t mind being single, I have been happily single for a long time but obviously eventually I would like to find someone who I can grow old with. I find it hard to make a connection with anyone.

Did you feel comfortable when he was waving the red flags you ignored?

People who are good for you feel good consistently. If someone starts getting 'up and down', they get a grace period, where you have a chat with them and explain that you've not been comfortable with xy and z that they've been doing or saying. They stop doing those things, or you leave.

How do you define a red flag? What makes something a red flag, in your eyes?

His behaviour now is a red flag, I know that. I know that him vanishing before was a red flag but I felt it was my fault, that he couldn’t handle just being FWB so he bailed out, I now wonder if he bailed out because he found someone’s else. I was willing to forget him vanishing but I know now it was a red flag and that he’s likely to keep doing it. He’s saying that ‘he needs to work out what’s going on in his head before he can talk to me’, it all just seems like excuses. I feel like I have been love bombed, he told me he loved me, made plans with me and then backed right off like I don’t mean anything. He says he has shut down from everything and everyone whilst he sorts his head out. I know there’s no going back and that he will only keep doing this. He does have history of shutting down from everything, I know he used to take antidepressants but says he would never go back on them. I know this is how he is and that he will never be reliable. I’m just angry that he he lied to me, if you love someone you don’t ignore them.

I know that him vanishing before was a red flag but I felt it was my fault

I found it useful to stop assigning blame. You did something, he said something, you said something, he felt that it made him think something, as a result, you felt something... it's all just so nuanced. And it doesn't matter. If it's not a decision about him doing something wrong, or you doing something wrong, then fundamentally, the relationship is making you feel rubbish, and you're being treated in a way you don't like. And that's what you need to move away from. Not a partner who treats you badly, but a relationship that doesn't make you feel good.

He’s an emotionally unavailable cave man

and unless he gets some help he won’t change

I know it’s hurts , I know you have chemistry

but he hurt you and that’s that

these disappearing people fuck with your head

as a PP sad he’s messed up and is probably in a bad way
Try and get the money back
then sadly delete and block

the world seems to be full of these men , it’s not just you x