Only welcome by family when of use

[TheusefulIdiot]

Name change for this one as it might be a bit outing.

I'm the oldest of three and was responsible for my younger siblings from a young age due to my mother's alcoholism. Now you'd probably coin that "young carer".
She died when I was 20 leaving us orphaned as my dad had died three years earlier. Suddenly I was the sole carer for a 15 and a 17 year old, putting all my dreams and ambitions on hold.
Luckily, the German system gives orphaned children a pension of sorts so we were not destitute but still I substituted a lot.

That was over 20 years ago, the relationship with my brother is very fractious and we are low contact seeing each other maybe once a year when I'm in Germany and he finds the time to spend Christmas or other events with the family.
With my sister I am in weekly contact sometimes more often, mostly instigated by me.
We also have a "family group" on Whatsapp on which I get mostly ignored, unless someone needs something from me. I barely post on the group anymore and have put it on mute for my own sanity.

This week I was supposed to fly over for a family birthday but contracted Covid so am unable to go. There would be wider family present including a pregnant woman, a baby and a 90+ year old, I am unwilling to risk their health even if I should be no longer infectious by Saturday.
I'm usually staying with my sister and was scheduled to babysit for them on Friday night.
Now that I'm not coming anymore they need to book a sitter.

I have to contact BA to reschedule, so I ask my sister several times when it would be convenient, no response. I ask how about in two weeks as there is an event in our sports club where we both should be honoured for long membership. "No sorry, too much going on". How about postponing by one week only "Could you not cancel the whole trip or postpone to Spring?"

Earlier she rang me and asked if I had explored my options so I said I hadn't because I was waiting for her response as I'd thought about postponing by a week. After much waffling about she said how they had "so, so much going on and it is inconvenient". When I asked her to confirm she didn't want me to come she waffled about, so I said just say "Yes" instead of making up excuses.

Apparently, "this week would have fit in so nicely with your nephew's Birthday", yes, sure it would have. You also would have had a free babysitter and someone who did most of the preparation for the party as well as quite a bit of the clean up.
Still have no clear answer as to when to postpone my trip to, but the answer will probably be "How about xyz weekend" when there is likely something going on where they need help.

For years before I moved away, I was the one who did all the work, ferrying my grandmum around, doing all the shopping for her, doing the clean up at various family events, dropping everything if anyone needed help Never was anything appreciated or reciprocated. In fact, my aunt moaned for months after she had to do the shopping for her mother two weeks in a row because I was on holiday. I think she's still angry that I moved away 13 years ago, leaving her to look after her mother for once. Grandmum was put in a care home soon after because "no one would have the time to look after her"
Even my grandmum mentioned that she felt like a burden to them and wished I hadn't left. She died about a year later.

Then, of course, there is Christmas, where we now "only buy for the children" but practically, it means I'm the only one who ends up without a single gift, not even a token one. I should expect it by now, but it is a stab every year.
I think they also regard me as an oddity, as I am single and have been for years and years.

I feel so utterly rejected by my family and if it wouldn't mean bitterly disappointing my niece and nephew as well as spending a very lonely Christmas in London, I'd probably cancel my Christmas trip, too.

I'm sorry for the very long post, but for once I had to get it off my chest.

Just to add, my birthday is this weekend as well, which usually gets all forgotten about. No cards, no one rings just a token "Happy Birthday" on Whatsapp and usually only after my sister sends out a reminder.
Why am I worth so little?

You’re absolutely not worth so little @TheusefulIdiot ! And Happy birthday for later in the week. I think your birthday present to yourself should be to start putting yourself first. You deserve it. You went over and above for your siblings and maybe one day they’ll see that. Maybe they won’t. But I’m the meantime, maintain a good relationship if you can with your niece and nephew and, in your head, reframe any visits you make to them to be part of building your connection with them. Forget about whether or not it’s helping your sister. You had done enough there.

Treat yourself to something extra nice this week and realise your worth. You’re a good person, who has done their absolute best.

No wonder you don't have children, you basically already brought up your children as a child yourself.

Sending you big hugs op; they aren't worth it they are ungreatful swines and happy birthday for this weekend, treat yourself to something lovely use that plane ticket money on a lovely gift for yourself.

I think that over the years OP your family have used and take cross advantage of you and, despite being acutely aware of this, you have enjoyed martyring yourself.

It is your call. Woman up or continue in this fashion

oh come on Op. on my family WhatsApp a fortnight before my birthday I sent out a message “fancy getting together for birthday lunch (my birthday! For those that may need a gentle nudge!)? Would love to see you all. How about Sunday 16th 1pm? Let me know and I’ll book a table”

but you just seem to gaze wistfully at your phone every year

I am not "gazing wistfully" at my phone, I usually do something nice for my birthday every year, including holidays in previous years.
My family are 500 miles away in Germany, so not quite so easy getting together for lunch.

Dysfunctional families learn to live off breadcrumbs. A family with an alcoholic mother will be absolutely dysfunctional. There isn’t enough love or empathy or compassion or understanding in the family and the children learn different ways of coping with that significant deficit.

Very often the children grow apart because the glue that holds families together just isn’t there. You were absolutely amazing for doing what you did and caring for your siblings but it could never make up for what they and you experienced growing up.

Your family cannot be what you’d like it to be if you learn to accept that and focus on your own life outside of your family and accept your family as it is you will be able to let go of the expectations. It is very very sad. Both DH and I are in similar situations.

I don’t think you understand the dynamics of @TheusefulIdiot‘s family and how it is completely different to your own.

Perhaps you missed the bit where @TheusefulIdiot explains that they were orphaned and how she’s been the de facto mum to her siblings since she was 20? I don’t think I’d call that martyring- I’d call it stepping up.

Thank you everyone

@Twixxer This pretty much sums up our family. My dad tried everything he could to provide a loving home but he died too early and worked too much.

I know my mother never stood a chance, in hindsight and as an adult I realised that she suffered too much at the hands of her mother who was narcissistic and damaged all her children.
As the oldest, I remember my mum before she started to drink and clearly differentiate between "mum" and "mother", before and after.

You think of them as your siblings. It sounds like they think of you as a kind of sibling/mum mashup which is an impossible role.

As mum, they think you would love to come and babysit their kids (your grandkids) when you see them as nephews and nieces.
As sibling, they find it annoying you told them what to do when you were just their sister.

It's a lose lose role for you unfortunately.

My DM had an older sister who had a very similar life to you. As adults they didn't speak as they just couldn't get past their childhoods. Wasn't either of their faults, the trauma was too big.

@TheusefulIdiot

I feel so utterly rejected by my family and if it wouldn't mean bitterly disappointing my niece and nephew as well as spending a very lonely Christmas in London, I'd probably cancel my Christmas trip, too.

OP maybe it's time to break the long-held pattern a bit and put yourself first. Maybe instead of spending Christmas alone in London in probably damp and cold weather, consider spending time, even though still alone, somewhere warm and sunny like the Canary Islands? It doesn't look like you'll get to see your niece/nephew before Christmas anyway so time to maybe be less available for whom you are more of an option or someone who can provide a service.

As far as the earlier flight is concerned are you able to cancel entirely and get your money back? Otherwise book something that you'd particularly like to do and haven't, for whatever reason. Let the family see you are not a supplicant, dependent on their largesse. 🌹

You clearly see and know that you are being used, and I understand that it's engraved in you to look after your family. But it's about time that you put yourself first! Stop relying on your siblings for anything - don't stay in your sister's house anymore. If you want to travel, book yourself into a hotel where you won't be made to feel like an inconvenience, nor asked to clean and look after other people's children for free.

Don't get "the children" Christmas gifts, either - if your family sends you a card, send one back. If they send you nothing, you send nothing back. With these kind of people you give what you get, because they are users and only think of themselves.

Make this Christmas a Christmas where you actually get a gift. Because the money you will save on NOT buying "the children" , and everyone else, anything you can spend on getting yourself something really, really, really nice.

do you enjoy your sister’s company? spent time together?

It's mine too on Saturday. Happy Birthday

My family is like this too. The only time I ever hear from them is when they want sponsorship for this that or the other. They were beyond rubbish when I was seriously ill a few years ago, I literally would have been on the streets and possibly dead if it wasn't for my friends who took me in.

I even moved to another part of the country last year to be nearer the family on the understanding they'd visit occasionally, I've visited twice in the last few months and always been made to feel I'm an imposition. Despite organising the visits months in advance something better always came up so they couldn't meet.

This year I've divorced the entire family and am currently playing a game of, how long will it be before they realise I've not contacted them. I can see a dim future scene where they're sitting round a Christmas fire or breakfast table and all of a sudden someone will say, what happened to that mad aunt Aelic of yours, is she dead?

It's a bloody good job you can choose your friends.

Have a fabulous birthday, treat yourself to something lovely at Christmas and don't look back.

I even moved to another part of the country last year to be nearer the family on the understanding they'd visit occasionally,

you specifically moved on a promise your family that had hitherto shown no interest in you would “visit occasionally”?

When we are together, yes as I do her husbands.

Thank you and to you as well,

and does your sister look out for you? remember your birthday? check in if your ill? have you over for christmas… that kind of thing?

I'd take it as read that they're miffed you aren't coming when they want you to and when you are of practical use to them so aren't going to suggest alternative dates.
You are different for a number of reasons - the mum/caring role, where you live, your single life etc so maybe they see you as a bit 'other' to them. Just a thought, I mean they don't fully understand your life or appreciate what you've done and continue to do for them. Seriously, stop doing so much for them and put yourself first.

What would you think about going on a group holiday somewhere interesting for Christmas instead, OP? If you gave us a budget we could look for something great for you.

I think they take you for granted. You did that much for them when they were young that they still think you are going to carry on doing now they are fully grown.
Some people is like that a combination of entitlement, selfishness, lack of empathy.
They don't necessarily have to be that selfish with others, they are like that with you because they are in use to it.

OP, it sounds as if you are a lovely, caring, compassionate person and your family has grown to take advantage of your generous nature. You can't change them into being like you. But you could possibly get more notice for who you are and what you do by backing off quite a bit and putting yourself first from now on. That should wake them up . If it doesn't , at least you will no longer resent being unappreciated. Do keep your loving nature and do not become more like them. Find yourself a substitute family of friends who appreciate your goodness. No matter the reason, your family doesn't deserve you. Have a happy birthday .

Dysfunctional families breed resentment especially between siblings. My parents were alcoholic, I was the one who coped, sorted things out, that dynamic never changed. I felt taken advantage of so I learned to keep my distance. Some great advice on here, warm holiday or fabulous city break like Barcelona, be less available and spend your money on you. I have no happy birthday childhood memories so birthdays hold no expectation of joy for me. You have a vision in your mind what it should be like, let it go with love, go and be happy x