Only welcome by family when of use

[TheusefulIdiot]

Name change for this one as it might be a bit outing.

I'm the oldest of three and was responsible for my younger siblings from a young age due to my mother's alcoholism. Now you'd probably coin that "young carer".
She died when I was 20 leaving us orphaned as my dad had died three years earlier. Suddenly I was the sole carer for a 15 and a 17 year old, putting all my dreams and ambitions on hold.
Luckily, the German system gives orphaned children a pension of sorts so we were not destitute but still I substituted a lot.

That was over 20 years ago, the relationship with my brother is very fractious and we are low contact seeing each other maybe once a year when I'm in Germany and he finds the time to spend Christmas or other events with the family.
With my sister I am in weekly contact sometimes more often, mostly instigated by me.
We also have a "family group" on Whatsapp on which I get mostly ignored, unless someone needs something from me. I barely post on the group anymore and have put it on mute for my own sanity.

This week I was supposed to fly over for a family birthday but contracted Covid so am unable to go. There would be wider family present including a pregnant woman, a baby and a 90+ year old, I am unwilling to risk their health even if I should be no longer infectious by Saturday.
I'm usually staying with my sister and was scheduled to babysit for them on Friday night.
Now that I'm not coming anymore they need to book a sitter.

I have to contact BA to reschedule, so I ask my sister several times when it would be convenient, no response. I ask how about in two weeks as there is an event in our sports club where we both should be honoured for long membership. "No sorry, too much going on". How about postponing by one week only "Could you not cancel the whole trip or postpone to Spring?"

Earlier she rang me and asked if I had explored my options so I said I hadn't because I was waiting for her response as I'd thought about postponing by a week. After much waffling about she said how they had "so, so much going on and it is inconvenient". When I asked her to confirm she didn't want me to come she waffled about, so I said just say "Yes" instead of making up excuses.

Apparently, "this week would have fit in so nicely with your nephew's Birthday", yes, sure it would have. You also would have had a free babysitter and someone who did most of the preparation for the party as well as quite a bit of the clean up.
Still have no clear answer as to when to postpone my trip to, but the answer will probably be "How about xyz weekend" when there is likely something going on where they need help.

For years before I moved away, I was the one who did all the work, ferrying my grandmum around, doing all the shopping for her, doing the clean up at various family events, dropping everything if anyone needed help Never was anything appreciated or reciprocated. In fact, my aunt moaned for months after she had to do the shopping for her mother two weeks in a row because I was on holiday. I think she's still angry that I moved away 13 years ago, leaving her to look after her mother for once. Grandmum was put in a care home soon after because "no one would have the time to look after her"
Even my grandmum mentioned that she felt like a burden to them and wished I hadn't left. She died about a year later.

Then, of course, there is Christmas, where we now "only buy for the children" but practically, it means I'm the only one who ends up without a single gift, not even a token one. I should expect it by now, but it is a stab every year.
I think they also regard me as an oddity, as I am single and have been for years and years.

I feel so utterly rejected by my family and if it wouldn't mean bitterly disappointing my niece and nephew as well as spending a very lonely Christmas in London, I'd probably cancel my Christmas trip, too.

I'm sorry for the very long post, but for once I had to get it off my chest.

I agree with all the advice to focus on your own life and relationships outside the family. Send cards but not gifts to all family members, and switch your ticket to go on holiday instead if you can.

You mention that you gave up a lot to support them when your mother died, and I understand your hurt that they don't appreciate that sacrifice. I think you have to remember though that their memories of that time will be very bleak, and they may not understand how much worse it could have been without you there. There will be a lot of conflicting emotions towards you as a sister/mother, and that will probably always be the case. If you can make sure your own life is otherwise full and happy, it will sting less when your siblings don't live up to your expectations.

Happy birthday OP! I do hope you make time to treat yourself and do what makes you happy.

It sounds like all of you had a difficult childhood, most of all you, as you had no choice but to step into the role of mother/father and sister. It sounds as if you have been so used to put their needs above yours, this is what they have come to expect and grown used to. But they have not shown you kindness and compassion and feel that they are entitled to your help.

You do have several options however:

1. Continue as is
2. Have an honest conversation with them and tell them how you feel and most importantly what you want. Tell them how their behaviour is impacting you, and discuss with them what can be done to change things
3. Say nothing and withdraw

No 1 - You risk building anger and resentment as time goes by, and may one day explode in a huge argument. Ask yourself are you really happy with this?

No 2 - Is the most telling but also comes with unknowns consequence until you actually do it. They may completely deny, justify and argue against it. They may still not change. Alternatively they may take the chance to self reflect, apologise and change.

No 3 - you will avoid conflict but they may be left wondering what they did or simply blame you for running away. You may find that they become more angry and demanding as an attempt to draw you back in. You also risk your relationship fading.

I think there may be some value in exploring these options and others with a therapist. Also the Stately Homes thread has lots of useful information and support to help you through this.

I'm so sorry, Op. You were dealt a really cruel hand as a child and young adult. I can't imagine.

It's an unusual dynamic that was created through necessity, and probably plays a big part in the dynamic that plays out today. Of course it might not be all about that... it could be your siblings are just selfish people.

Either way, you've done nothing wrong, and they are old enough to be aware they aren't being fair on you. Have you tried an honest conversation with them (not at the same time, maybe speak to your sister first). Tell them how they make you feel.

If that doesn't bring about any changes then you know you've done all you can, and you can start to distance yourself a little, and focus on relationships with other people.

I understand about your neices / nephew/s but you can still stay in touch, and before too long they will be adults who you can have a separate relationship with.