Total mess: my employee and I have feelings for each other

[JulieD321]

Hello everyone, long-time poster but I have lost my account password so I had to create a new one. I already posted on this topic several months ago, the situation has changed in the meantime and I'd like some advice again.

I am a middle manager at a large corporation where I manage around 15 people. I am in my mid-30s and single. Two years ago I hired a man to be my right hand and we have been working really closely every day since then. He is also mid-30s.

In the last 6 months, we have been getting closer and around last Spring I realized that we probably both had feelings for each other. We didn't discuss it, since at the time he was in a year-long relationship and of course I was trying to keep the situation at work under control. I really tried to distantiate myself from him and for a few months it worked! I dated other people and tried to meet someone else, although of course the thought of him was in the back of my mind.

A couple of months ago he broke up with the girlfriend. Two weeks ago I had an emergency operation and he was incredibly supportive, visited me with flowers at the hospital, helped me once I got home with groceries and cooking, etc etc. Since then I feel like we are getting closer and closer (nothing physical has happened) and he has confessed his feelings for me recently. I am concerned that the situation might get out of hand and we won't be able to keep our feelings in check forever. I am freaking out to be honest, as I am scared of the impact on my career if things continue developing with him.

There is a possibility that in 6-9 months I might move into another role and he will take over my position, in which case we would be hierarchically equal. However, that is not set in stone, just a possibility and the timeline is also uncertain. I have been in my role for 3 years and I am ready for a new challenge. However, this is a great job with a fantastic salary, flexibility, and opportunity for advancement. I also have a great relationship with my own (female) boss who is sponsoring me as a rising talent in the organization.

Wise Mumsnetters, what do you advise? What do I do? Please help this silly woman who got feelings for the wrong person

I think you have to be really firm with him and with yourself that the relationship isn't going anywhere as you are his boss. Otherwise you're scuppered for promotion/keeping your job.

Look at your work policy for guidance but realistically, it doesn't look good and now whatever he achieves it will seem because he buttered you up.
I would personally not have encouraged this from the offset, or move jobs. I wouldn't even hire someone I'm physically attracted to, too much temptation.

I am a middle manager at a large corporation where I manage around 15 people. I am in my mid-30s and single. Two years ago I hired a man to be my right hand

He is not your employee, he is in your team.

You are both single, report to HR and crack on

Prioritise your job.

So long as op is open with her line manager and HR she'll be fine.

Team member can move sideways out of her team, and then there is no conflict of interest.
My friend reported to her boss, she reports to another person now, and lives with him (also large company)

Yeah I am realising only now what a mistake it was to hire an attractive, unmarried man around my age for the job. I thought these things could be kept in check indefinitely but I am starting to realise that I might have overestimated my ability to self-control in the long term!

Yeah I am realising only know what a mistake it was to hire an attractive, unmarried man around my age for the job. I thought these things could be kept in check indefinitely but I am starting to realise that I might have overestimated my ability to self-control abilities in the long term!
This is a bit ridiculous.
You can't not hire someone who is good at the job just in case you can't keep your hands off them! Imagine a male manager saying "it's a mistake to hire pretty, attractive women because I haven't got the self control to behave myself". 🙄

In your situation I'd not go there because it's potentially very messy, but if you are open with HR and they're happy there's no conflict of interest then there's nothing stopping you doing what you want as two adults.

Get the man and change the job. Don’t be silly. He seems lovely and your chemistry is off the charts.

Keep it under wraps for a while and then one of you should change jobs.

Good luck. So nice to hear so beautiful love stories. ❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍

I think that you have two options. You either distance yourself from him and make the relationship purely business, or you help him transfer to another team, at which time you can pursue the relationship. Don't let anything happen whilst he is still on your team - this will have devastating consequences for your team and career.

Distantiate is a cool word!

Good luck OP. I personally wouldn't go there unless and until one of you changes job.

What are his feelings about it all? If he'd consider giving up his career for your relationship, that's very different from him just wanting a quicky in the photocopying room.

And it will help you if you drop the drama.

'Total mess:', or 'Dilemma'?

You are right of course, however I could tell that there was potential chemistry between us from the first day I interviewed him and I remember wondering if that was going to be a problem. Well, turns out that it bloody is!!!!

Meh happens all the time. Just read the guidance. What has he said he wants to do about these feelings?

If serious about you can he move sideways or on promotion? I would have thought that fairer if you've been there longer and are under this sponsorship scheme with current LM plus he raised feelings first. He could always still apply to your current job if you move in future.

Bear in mind this might be a bit reboundy if he's just split up with someone. Don't make any moves that don't benefit you.

I think we need to have a proper conversation about this. I haven't gone there yet because I am scared that it might trigger even more closeness and make things more "real", but the time has come really.

yeah. right. whatever.

I think, if your instinct is to come to a forum, rather than go to him, with your first ever relationship problem, you might have an answer.

Only unhealthy and out of place attractions end up here. The healthy ones that are good for everybody's life in general flow smoothly, without the need for external input.

Bear in mind that this isn't a 'do I love him enough to risk my job' situation. It's a 'would this relationship be beneficial enough for us to risk our jobs' situation. You might be wildly attracted to him, but will you thank yourself in 5 years, 10 years, if one of you ends up without their current job?

Lots of people on MN would benefit from distantiation from their partners/families/'friends'.

I don't know why my spellchecker is having such an issue with it.

You are right of course, however I could tell that there was potential chemistry between us from the first day I interviewed him and I remember wondering if that was going to be a problem. Well, turns out that it bloody is!!!!
Said kindly, and possibly bluntly, this is a you problem then.

If on hiring day you were genuinely thinking you fancied him so much that if you hired him it would be a disaster because you'd struggle to have self control, that's not ideal in a manager or recruitment process. It's become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It's one thing to work with someone and develop an attraction as you get to know someone, and quite another to decide on first meeting they're likely to be a disaster because there's obviously lots of chemistry.

Because of how you describe the chemistry at interview, I'd be more inclined to say not to go there. The rollercoaster of instant chemistry, this is going to be a problem, now we are attracted to each other, should we, shouldn't we, might be fun short term but does your career need this sort of drama in it?

Personally; I'd go for it

@JulieD321
Find out your company policy, and move forward with that information as your guide.

You may find if the relationship will in anyway impact his chance for upward mobility within the company, he may be less interested in a relationship and more interested in his career.

I would not have any discussion with HR without knowing his specific position related to both a possible relationship and the job.

Plenty of people used to meet their partners at work, it's not a daft or stupid thing so stop beating yourself up!

I think you should discuss it with him like adults, find another role internally (given it is time anyway) and see where the relationship goes from there.

At least OP didn't call "herself" a girlboss? Clutching at straws here.

I don't think Sophie Kinsella's sales are under any immediate threat from the above.

I’d pursue it. Look how many threads there are on here of OLD woes and men being generally below par. You’ve found one you like, who likes you and presumably is a decent guy. Go for it 🤷🏼‍♀️.

You’re both single so it’s not ‘a mess’. Read your company policy: if it requires one of you to move roles, is one of you willing to do that? If so, crack on. If not, don’t date him and keep it professional.