Total mess: my employee and I have feelings for each other

[JulieD321]

Hello everyone, long-time poster but I have lost my account password so I had to create a new one. I already posted on this topic several months ago, the situation has changed in the meantime and I'd like some advice again.

I am a middle manager at a large corporation where I manage around 15 people. I am in my mid-30s and single. Two years ago I hired a man to be my right hand and we have been working really closely every day since then. He is also mid-30s.

In the last 6 months, we have been getting closer and around last Spring I realized that we probably both had feelings for each other. We didn't discuss it, since at the time he was in a year-long relationship and of course I was trying to keep the situation at work under control. I really tried to distantiate myself from him and for a few months it worked! I dated other people and tried to meet someone else, although of course the thought of him was in the back of my mind.

A couple of months ago he broke up with the girlfriend. Two weeks ago I had an emergency operation and he was incredibly supportive, visited me with flowers at the hospital, helped me once I got home with groceries and cooking, etc etc. Since then I feel like we are getting closer and closer (nothing physical has happened) and he has confessed his feelings for me recently. I am concerned that the situation might get out of hand and we won't be able to keep our feelings in check forever. I am freaking out to be honest, as I am scared of the impact on my career if things continue developing with him.

There is a possibility that in 6-9 months I might move into another role and he will take over my position, in which case we would be hierarchically equal. However, that is not set in stone, just a possibility and the timeline is also uncertain. I have been in my role for 3 years and I am ready for a new challenge. However, this is a great job with a fantastic salary, flexibility, and opportunity for advancement. I also have a great relationship with my own (female) boss who is sponsoring me as a rising talent in the organization.

Wise Mumsnetters, what do you advise? What do I do? Please help this silly woman who got feelings for the wrong person

Id focus on the job because it sounds like it's amazing. Look out for yourself till you move to your new role. Otherwise sods law he will surpass you!

This.

I remember your last post.

This isn't a mess or disaster but you need to have a conversation with him and then immediately with HR.

They will advise you and then you'll have all the info. You can't get in trouble as you've done nothing wrong.

You shouldn't pass up the chance to at least go out with this guy and see where it goes. It's not easy to meet that special someone and work gives a lot of people the opportunity to get to know a person well as a colleague/friend before they consider dating them and that's the best way to get to know someone IMO. OLD sounds like a horror show to me - in person is waaaaaaay better!

So, as others have already said, talk to him, see what you both want and then if you'd like to date and see where it goes, speak to HR. Just don't squander the chance to find and get together with Mr Right just because you work together/are his senior. If you do it right, you won't screw up your job/career or his in the process. I think you can potentially have it all, as long as you're sensible.

Why can't you have both? Not uncommon for people to date their boss. If you think you're moving jobs soon I suggest you hold off making it known to keep it simple.

I think starting a relationship with someone you work so closely with can only end in tears.

Obviously if it doesn’t work out then how are you going to cope working together?

If it does work out, then you’re probably not going to want to work together anyway.

I think either way, it is highly likely that one of you won’t be able to stay in the same company.
How would you feel about this?

I know lots of people who started relationships at work and they were very successful (lots weren’t too) but none of them had such a close working relationship as you guys do and that’s the worry!

Perhaps go on a couple of work lunches/dates and then re-evaluate.

There is a possibility that in 6-9 months I might move into another role and he will take over my position, in which case we would be hierarchically equal.

Is there any way that this may cause issues?

Will people think he got your job just because he’s shagging the boss?

I really don't think so, as he was pretty openly hired to be my replacement one day and he has been visibly great at the job since day 1 (been with us 2 years). He is the obvious successor to my role and I don't think anyone would question that.

I agree with your concerns tbh. I think best case scenario would be both staying with the company but in unrelated roles, as we both like working in this organisation. It is a big company so it is not unrealistic to move to different teams one day, however it might take a while (up to a year).

Just here to say I'm happily married to my former boss. We were open with the company and I was given a new line manager (but no day to day change in role at the time), no negative career consequences

I think that you're worrying far too much about something that might not be an issue.
Talk to him about how he feels. As a PP said- if this is deeper than a quick hows-yer-father then the Job will work itself out!
Work is never permanent- relationships can change your life!

I know a couple who got married from the same situation, back in the day when people weren't such nuisances about it.

They kept their relationship quiet for two years, then he got another job. She was much more senior so it was a no brainer that he has to look for a new job rather than her.

Both professionals, so no issues.

Married 15 years+ now I think.

I would be prepared for a fall out.

Perhaps think of the worst case scenario (you start a relationship and then he cheats on you with another member of staff 😁) and if you think you can handle the worst case scenarios, then go for it.

I think a career should always come before a potential partner but you know him, you get on well and he seems like a good person - its worth giving it a shot and it may be the best thing you ever do or if it doesn’t work out then at least you wont look back and think ‘what if’.

Please keep us updated!!

I'm struggling to figure out how this person you work with is your employee

He reports directly to me, so I wrote "my employee" for simplicity.

“Plenty of people used to meet their partners at work, it's not a daft or stupid thing so stop beating yourself up!

I think you should discuss it with him like adults, find another role internally (given it is time anyway) and see where the relationship goes from there.”

This. I met DH at work and several of our colleagues coupled up too and are still together years/decades later. I know plenty of couples who met each other at work and continued to work together after coupling up. Working together doesn’t make you star-crossed lovers. See what your HR policy is and proceed accordingly. You just need to be adults about it and professional in the workplace. All of which should be possible.

Deleted

@Night409 good point about thinking about the worst case scenario! I guess I am thinking too short-term here, I have to consider what might happen down the line.

He reports directly to me, so I wrote "my employee" for simplicity.

🤨 How is that for simplicity? It’s the wrong information.

@Creepy2023

I liked your post before editing. 🤣

Good god. Millions of people dare people they work with.

Just go with the flow and enjoy the romance

Honestly, it sounds so romantic to me. I would try to find a solution that won't jeopardise either career.

@JulieD321 You're talking like you're an animal but you're a grown adult human being with free will, of course you have self control :S

Just because you're physically attracted to someone doesn't mean you tell them where you live, allow them to visit you at home , let them cook in your house etc, - these are deliberate choices you made and it's YOU who's overstepped professional boundaries massively - why on earth have you let it go this far if you're worried about the consequences?

I'd also be wary of the guy deliberately buttering you up to help progress his career. Then when he's got to where he wants to be career wise, ending the flirtation.

Go for it. I married someone who was my junior, don't know why it's such a big deal if you can actually try not to dry hump at work

This isn’t a mess at all, it’s easily remedied. If the pair of you are going to be a long term couple and not just a quick fling, then, as pp have said, ask HR for guidance.