DH focus one thing at a time..

[RubySunset82]

I wanted to ask if your DH is able to do more than one thing at a time. I’m talking about your relationship vs let’s say work.

Granted my DH is going through a particularly busy and stressful time at work. But in some ways his work will always be like this, he’s senior, has a team and works long hours. But I just always feel last. If I bring anything up it’s like not now; I’m stressed. Don’t stress me out more. Don’t have a go at me. I’m not having a go, nothing seems to be the right time for me to say I’m lonely, or I’d like for us to do something together. Every evening he’s stressing about work the next day.

During the week if he has a wfh day he uses it to go for a bike ride or a swim. I get it, it’s important.

We've really lost our connection the last couple of years where the kids and work and house stuff takes priority over us. I want to prioritise us more but I don’t feel he gives us the time or there is a time. Term time is hectic with kids activities and weekends are sporting commitments. It’s unfair to ask GPs to traipse the kids to their various activities if we wanted a weekend away.

Our youngest is 9 and eldest is 12. The 12 year old is fairly independent but is quite a sensitive child so takes a lot of emotional management and the 9 year old is being tested for ASD/ADHD.

I feel stuck. I can’t walk away as everything would just fail, I’m emotionally managing everyone in this house. I feel really drained and exhausted by life. I feel so sad too that I don’t have the deep connection I always wanted with someone. I feel like I’ve lost my fire too.

Bump

Is he possibly neurodiverse himself?

I don't think he's being fair on you by refusing to engage about how you're feeling - sounds like he's opting out and using work as an excuse rather than taking up his share of the burdens at home.

Do you get the opportunity to fuck off for a bike ride or swim?

I work for myself so technically more flex during the day but it all gets exceptionally busy. Plus I’m in cos the boiler needs fixing or the tap, or whoever might be coming , fence man etc Im in the house sorting things like the boiler service, new tyres on the car.

i do all pick ups and drop offs. I do all the kids clubs and they do a lot.

yes he’s prob ND tbh. But I don’t know.

I do all the meals Mon to Fri. Weekends we eat our once and he’ll do lunch on one day. He also does the clothes putting away etc (from washes in the week and a mop up wash at the weekend). We have a cleaner.

I think I just need to sort a baby sitter and get us out.

I feel like this too. No advice, just to say you're not alone xx

Thanks @Sandrine1982 im sorry it’s a lonely place; I’m trying so hard to focus on myself and my friends etc (no family nearby). I just wonder why I need him so much.

I'm sorry. He sees you as a wife appliance that facilitates his life. Quite a few men are like this unfortunately.

Thanks @RantyAnty that cut deep, but you’re right

Sounds absolutely ridiculous but try changing your wording to him. Like how are you wording these things that make him feel like you're pressuring or mounting?

Being autistic and having ptsd I get overwhelmed if I have to deal with multiple things at a time, my mind goes into overdrive and I tend to ruminate on things, sometimes I find it hard sometimes I have to break it down into small peices of problem solving

Thanks @Imperfectp3rf3ction i thought that to my self, like questioning my own sanity! So it’d be like ‘ we should really try going out for dinner just the two of us you know’ and it’ll be like ‘I know Ruby don’t pressure me I’ve got a lot on at the moment’

@Blueeyedmale he has health anxiety and ocd. Health anxiety around his own health and the kids.

he’s obsessed with his moles and will talk incessantly about one that he thinks keeps changing

just now after getting kids to bed I came down / first thing he told me was about someone handing their notice in, in his team. I was like please don’t talk to me about your work. I had my haircut today he hasn’t noticed.

Do you think it's more about his self importance than his own mental health, beacuse even if my head was going at a million miles an hour i would still be in a position to notice a partner getting a hair cut and give her a compliment, is he getting any support from the cmht regarding his mental health?

I would say to him something fairly blunt “you are not meeting my needs in this marriage and that makes me unhappy”. Has he always been selfish?

My oh sounds similar we also have kids on the spectrum. I changed my wording to let him know I was asking for these things because I wanted him and needed his time. Now I'll say 'Its been a manic week I really need some us time because you always make me feel grounded' he's now thinking up ideas himself, and even getting more romantic where as before I would say we should go do something.. we should have done something .. ect apparently means YOU ( as in the Mr) Don't do the right things ,you should be doing x y z. No clue the difference really but it works beautifully

Its possible your DH is also autistic or has ADHD.

we learnt last year that my DH is autistic and it explains a lot. It definitely makes it easier knowing why he is the way he is.

but I’m sorry things feel so hard currently. It sounds like you are carrying a lot for your family.

Thanks everyone - he’s not involved in getting any help from the cmht, he’s not on their radar.

I though have a therapist. My GP has prescribed me sertaraline. He’s just focussed on his work all the fucking time it’s driving me up the wall!

we recently got a new wardrobe fitted and he’s done nothing. I feel like I carry everything, bloody everything. It actually gives me sleepless nights and a racing heart beat.

I’ve been trying to mediate light a candle or something for me and he’ll just walk in and ask me an inane question. I’ll be trying to have a shit and he’ll send the kids to ask me something. I am just a machine. Like someone above said. He wouldn’t know if kids needed clothes or uniform. He doesn’t know about shampoos or medicines (except his own which he’ll order).

There is so much I organise from finances to all household stuff. And I run my own business.

Are you at the point where you think life might be easier without him?

Cos to be honest, living with someone who could share the burdens and make life easier but doesn't, I think is harder and more lonely than being single and knowing you have to do it all alone. At least you don't have the constant disappointment and stress of trying to manage a fully grown man who hinders where he could help. Or at least that's my feeling.

Is there anyone who can look after the kids for a night? Because I really think you need to take yourself, on your own, somewhere you can rest. I've experienced the over whelm you are currently and if you don't stop for at least a short time, you will end up very unwell. All the house stuff can wait-if you can get the kids looked after then I urge you to do it and explain calmly to your husband that you need and are taking the night off as otherwise you will collapse. And then do it.

He sounds as if he may be neurodiverse-at the very least he is very stressed and hyper focused on work. Again, maybe one last conversation with him on this-you can try. But tbh I think you've reached the point where it's him or you in terms of your mental health-and at some point you need to choose yourself (and by extension your DC), as sadly I don't think he will sadly.

Sometimes yes I feel like this, but I know the kids would be heartbroken.

I am working through things with my therapist, she ‘sees’ me and is very understanding. But I am very lonely. I am by nature an extrovert and he isn’t. I struggle working from home but the work I do is confidential, so in the past I’ve only been able to share an office with my co-workers when I wasn’t self employed. I could not work for someone cos of the flex needed in facilitating the kids lives. I do go out and walk everyday/see a friend.

I did say some things yesterday to DH. I think I need to back off. He just looks confused and hurt. Such a disconnect. I am increasingly thinking he is ND and that’s where my frustration lies.

I feel terrible talking about it on here. I do love him, he’s so committed and hardworking. I am though like PP said a wife machine though.

He's not going to change. I agree with a PP who said that it's easier on your own than living with someone who won't take part in family life. If you separated you would have a break from the children and he would be forced to do his bit. How would you feel about living separately from him?

It would be very very hard we’ve been together since Uni.

I am not his priority but that’s not because he doesn’t love me, I think I’m so used to just getting on with it. That it’s partly my fault, I’m just very ‘able’. I don’t ask for help from people.

I don’t know what he wants long term, I don’t think he ‘sees’ me.

I’m just going round in circles and in some ways should feel happy we have so much.

Thanks for the support, I just need to work out what I need, want.

I think you need to find something fun for you to do. Don’t mention it to him or ask if you can. Find an activity where you will be with people and make it a priority in your life. I would book a babysitter and plan a night out with your dh, don’t ask just tell him you are both going out for dinner. If he refuses then at least you tried. Don’t just let life pass and be miserable. He might be the man you live with, but he isn’t your partner. My husband would always say don’t stress me out, can we talk about this later. So I just stopped talking to him about anything other than basic day to day stuff. It took six months but he eventually noticed, we had a chat and things are much better.

I understand you're missing your connection with him but it also sounds like he's taking you for granted.
If I were you I would go away for the weekend so you can recharge and start doing things for yourself - gym sessions, go to the cinema etc. if he asks why simply explain what you've written about him. That you feel he isn't prioritising you so you're going to prioritise yourself instead. Hopefully that will help.

My situation was similar - I'd try to raise things like house stuff, school admin etc and he'd say not now as he was stressed about work. I'd then point out that I also have a senior position at work and work the same hours as him - this is just part of parenting and he needed to be more proactive and not leave it all to me. Either I don't work and do all the life admin, or I work and we share it.

Also, i'm sure you're very capable but so is your husband so don't just do things and take them off his plate. Ask questions like: did you plan anything for tea? Have you paid for kid's school trip? Have you organised the builder? Did you buy a present for x's birthday at the weekend. It's a pain but the more you talk and share - the more he'll pick up. This made my DH realise he wasn't an idiot and could do all these things too.