DH focus one thing at a time..

[RubySunset82]

I wanted to ask if your DH is able to do more than one thing at a time. I’m talking about your relationship vs let’s say work.

Granted my DH is going through a particularly busy and stressful time at work. But in some ways his work will always be like this, he’s senior, has a team and works long hours. But I just always feel last. If I bring anything up it’s like not now; I’m stressed. Don’t stress me out more. Don’t have a go at me. I’m not having a go, nothing seems to be the right time for me to say I’m lonely, or I’d like for us to do something together. Every evening he’s stressing about work the next day.

During the week if he has a wfh day he uses it to go for a bike ride or a swim. I get it, it’s important.

We've really lost our connection the last couple of years where the kids and work and house stuff takes priority over us. I want to prioritise us more but I don’t feel he gives us the time or there is a time. Term time is hectic with kids activities and weekends are sporting commitments. It’s unfair to ask GPs to traipse the kids to their various activities if we wanted a weekend away.

Our youngest is 9 and eldest is 12. The 12 year old is fairly independent but is quite a sensitive child so takes a lot of emotional management and the 9 year old is being tested for ASD/ADHD.

I feel stuck. I can’t walk away as everything would just fail, I’m emotionally managing everyone in this house. I feel really drained and exhausted by life. I feel so sad too that I don’t have the deep connection I always wanted with someone. I feel like I’ve lost my fire too.

Thank you @Shakesapear @Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie yes. I will take this on board and report back.

I have a very rare trip (it’s been about 3 years) this weekend to see a friend for her birthday. It’s going to be a 2 hour journey on the train. I’m a bit worried about leaving him but we’ll see.

I will have a think on every thing else. Thank you so much everyone.

I’m in a similar position to a degree. I take what I can from it. I enjoy organising the house, kids and Xmas and so on. There’s never going to be a situation where he’s ordered a new pair of curtains or bought a gift for his mum so there’s no conflict in that sense 🤣 It is frustrating carrying the whole mental load but I also know I can survive alone. Maybe I’ll take that step at some point. I pretty much do what I want with our money (he brings in more). He’s very much a passenger in his own life but for now it is stable. I need to raise my bar I suppose.

I understand OP - maybe you’re a step or two along from me and know you’ve reached the end? It’s small things that get me more than the big things - every week when he cooks a roast, the one thing he does, he moans that we need a new Yorkshire pudding tin. Go and buy one then! I actually said last week - why not buy one? It simply hasn’t occurred to him that I won’t facilitate this. I could but I have chosen not to. Two clicks on Amazon and he’d have one tomorrow 🤯

Thanks @Primproperpenny . I know what you mean, everything in the house somehow gets done (soap appears, food appears, things get fixed, furniture gets ordered, kids have hair brushes and hair bobbles and hair cuts, presents get bought, energy providers/broadband providers get selected, windows get cleaned, calpol appears, kids get looked after if they are ill, vaccinations, doctor’s appointments, drop offs, clubs, packing for holidays….it all ‘just happens’).

I wish I could work full time and focus on my job, I have potential to earn more than him. But I’m on a bit of a back seat, when kids are older let’s see what changes.

He doesn’t get home til gone 7, he can be late the odd evening. I do feel for him as he’s tired himself from the stress of work. It worries me he can’t really take a lot more on.

@RubySunset82 - I do worry what would happen if I died! I honestly think teen DD would have more of a clue about practical things than him, where stuff is in the house etc. Every Xmas he buys wrapping paper for my gift (does manage that, I suppose) but fails to see that we have a huge bag of wrapping paper, gifts tags etc in the utility room that I add to periodically. There’s no need to buy more! Similarly, he had to take the DC to the dentist recently. That’s always been my job. According to DD, when asked any questions, he kept saying he’d have to check with his wife! Then he started texting me (when I was in a meeting I couldn’t move, hence him sing them in the first place!). This was about planned dental treatment one DC was having, he had been updated on it all by me, but seemingly hadn’t taken it in 🙄

Is there anything your other half can do well and without a prompt? Mine manages to secure football tickets fine so I wonder how much is learned incompetence/strategic incompetence/weaponsied incompetence as opposed to inability.

Omg my DH does the same and it’s always really expensive but I stock up in the Sainsbury’s and JL sales with Xmas cards and wrapping paper!! I don’t get it.

and yes I do all docs and all dental.