Marriage broken

[Cawfeebreak]

My husband of 17 years cheated on me earlier this year. To say this came our of the blue is an understatement. Yes there were issues in our relationship but he was universally known as a good guy. I believed he was a good guy and a great father.
I was devastated and although we have stayed together it has been very very up and down since. After 8 months, I’ve come to the conclusion that he broke our marriage vows, which I took very seriously, and I can’t get over that fact. I never wear my wedding and engagement rings now. I can’t bring myself to. I consider that our marriage ended the first time he cheated on me- 1st March this year. We did not celebrate our 17th anniversary in the summer- why would I?
my question is this. Has anyone else been in this situation? We are in limbo. Even if we continue in our relationship, I strongly feel that that marriage is over. I’m wondering if I should divorce him and then keep seeing him and having a ‘new’ relationship with him or is that mental?
the broken marriage vow is a major stumbling block for me.
And, please be kind. I am extremely vulnerable emotionally at the moment. This past 8 months has broken me.

Hi I'm going though a similar process. it's very painful. he wasn't having an affair by an emotional affair.

DH and OW talked about our marriage, meet up, talked about divorce, advised not to buy a house or financial invest, have more kids.

Called her perfect. I don't know what to do. I think my marriage is over too.

If it was purely only emotional and not physical, I think it’s not necessarily over for you. It’s so so horrific though to feel betrayal like this.

Separate and see how you feel after time apart.

I think emotional or physical is still awful. Still breaks the trust. I think both are as bad. My ex was emotional affair. I couldn't trust him after that.
I'm much happier now.

My ex had an affair. I couldn't be with him. I would never trust him again. He has disappointed me so much, I have 0 respect for him. That was March too. I'm so much more at peace now.

There was no question of me staying or reconciling I’m not a person who could stay married after such an awful betrayal.

it’s not easy but I’m at peace now it’s so much better for my mental health.

Have you thought about counselling either individually or together. May help you work through it. Be kind to yourself and lean on people

We briefly did both but I don’t think it did much.

Both an emotional and a physical affair involves the breaking of trust.

This is the most important point to consider when you have been betrayed.

That's easy for me to say. I understand what horrendous thought processes you must go through before you properly reach this understanding. It is still very early days. It might take you two years or more before you start to have more clarity.

If the person who has broken your trust seems truly remorseful, and will do their utmost to make amends to you, then the marriage does not have to be over.

When someone you have trusted implicitly breaks that trust, it is devastating to realise that, not only were they prepared to hurt you, but that they are selfish and flawed individuals - not 'your' person which you thought they were. It makes you realise that nobody on this planet is perfect and that you really need to carve out your own path (whether that be from within the marriage, or out of it).

Good advice. 2 years though- I’m 48 now and don’t want to end up alone for the rest of my life. On the other hand I can’t get over the breaking of the marriage vows.

Finding out that he has been discussing you and your marriage to a person unknown to you is destabilising. I presume she was not known to you prior to you finding out? From your perspective, he might just as well have stopped a stranger on the street, pulled them to one side, and discussed you and his marriage concerns and plans to them. Keep an eye on your mental health please.
As for describing her as 'perfect', I am sorry to say this about your husband, but he must be lacking in intelligence. Nobody is 'perfect'.

Being in limbo is the worst place to be. You need to move one way or the other to break out of it. There is no rule that you have to forgive him. If you don't believe you can then move onwards and upwards. If you try to hang on to the hope that you might forgive him in time, when your gut is telling you otherwise, then you might just be setting yourself up for many years of simmering pain and emotional frustration. Better to be alone, and have the chance of finding happiness, than to be stuck in a miserable relationship.

I met the love of my life at 47 he was 49. I'm so glad I didn't settle. Don't think being with the wrong person is better than being alone. You might meet someone who treats you better.

Afternoon, everyone. Just a note to say we think the OP might appreciate getting back to her original question as things have run a little off track here.

@Guavafish1 We've dropped you a little email off the boards but we wondered if you'd mind starting a thread of your own so that the two issues don't become confused here?

We hope you both find lots of advice and support on the relationships board.

I hear what you're saying about breaking the vows. I wonder if the massive pain of being lied to and the feeling of abandonment that comes with it is causing you to fixate on the "broken promise" side of things.

I think you're right to consider a fresh relationship with him. And why not split up but continue to work on the relationship? if he really wants to and is in the right place to reevaluate his emotions and motivations.

Unfortunately after an affair the previous marriage is gone. You can have a new one, and that means you both have to think about how you feel, not just him and not just you. Your attachments , what validates you, what is it in the relationship you want. a pp was right to say nobody can be whole relied on.

When it comes to it, people do break promises. It's very hard work looking on the other side of that, but usually an understanding of why it happened and the actions that will be taken to mitigate help us move on. If you want some connection with him and he and you enrich each other's lives overall... there is life on the other side of an affair. Good luck.