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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I just insecure?

49 replies

SayItt · 13/11/2023 19:08

My boyfriend of 2 years, is absolutely amazing. I'm in love with him. But today when I texted him asking what are you doing, he said he's doing nothing. Then I video called, he didn't receive. I asked him that I wanna see. He said I'm having haircut sitting on a chair and can't answer call. Then I called again, his internet was turned off this time. Within next minute he video called and he was on some street. When I asked why didn't you receive he said internet was not working as he was making payment to the Salon. I asked him to share payment screenshot, he did but before I saw he deleted it and said that you need to trust me and I'm not gonna show you any proof. I don't know what's going on, I am not able to trust this. Although I really trust him but then his actions... I don't want to blindly trust that's it. Please advise. Do guys behave like this usually or is something going on? I'm taking a huge step when I say I wanna marry him because it's gonna be very difficult as I have strict parents. He's extremely loveable towards me otherwise but I don't want to fall in a soup where I'll be hurt in future.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 13/11/2023 19:26

You seemed to be awfully suspicious of someone.

Either he's given you reason in the past to be suspicious or you for some reason are getting instincts that you should be.

OR you're insanely paranoid.

I can't imagine berating my partner for proof that he didn't receive a call. Infact that whole sequence of 'what are you doing?' Then calling. Then asking him he to prove he didn't get the call...then asking him to prove he was in a hairdressers sounds exceedingly controlling to me.

Benefit of the doubt for you IF there is past reason to be suspicious but if it's normal for you to need him to prove his whereabouts 24/7 then that's worrying.

I mean either way, you cant marry someone that this is going on with. Either he's up to something and your gut is telling you...or youre mad paranoid and controllong and need to be single.

If this isn't a total one off..break up.

LucyvanderPelt · 13/11/2023 19:28

Why are you suspicious of him? Has he lied to you before about what he’s doing/where he is? If so, how can you continue in a relationship when you don’t trust your partner? It must be exhausting.

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 19:30

Tbh OP ..if you have to ask for proof in a relationship that someone has been somewhere, its doomed.
Even if they have given reason for suspicion in the past, id rather just finish the relationship there and then to save any of this.

solice84 · 13/11/2023 19:31

Either you've got good reason not to trust him and therefore you should re-evaluating if he's worth it or you're being utterly ridiculous.

If a man asked me to see my payment to a hairdressers to prove where I was he'd be ditched and blocked .

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/11/2023 19:36

You requested to see payment to prove where he was?!? Jeez...

Catsafterme · 13/11/2023 19:38

Unless you have reason to doubt him prior to this, you may be going overboard and that kind of questioning when it's not warranted will push people away and sabotage your relationship with him or others in the future.

He may have genuinely been having his hair cut.

Regardless, if someone has the capability to cheat they will and no amount of worrying about the possibility will change that. You have to be able to trust that they won't, they either will be trustworthy or they won't.

Apples1112 · 13/11/2023 19:40

It depends if your gut feeling have been screaming for a while. If you think he's acting strange then he probably is. Liars and people up to something are terrible at hiding it at times. Trust your gut x

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 13/11/2023 19:42

i’d be dumping you as a friend if you asked me for a screenshot to prove where I’m at.
life’s too short for this type of drama.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2023 19:42

This relationship needs to be over, right now, and your behaviour and demands are absolutely unacceptable. You sound like a stalker, honestly. If a man were this controlling to their female partner, everyone would be telling her to run for the hills.

Original poster

SayItt · 13/11/2023 20:01

Okay so I went with my gut and asked him rn softly to confess. Guess what, he did. He was with his friends and there were some girls too. He told me that he hid this from me as he knew I'll ask questions. Don't know what to do. In the past as well this has happened... I know what you all are saying, but I can't seem to wrap my head around it

OP posts:

LucyvanderPelt · 13/11/2023 20:03

Do you want to continue a relationship with a liar?

AllFeetAreUgly · 13/11/2023 20:05

dump him as you're both toxic.

Original poster

SayItt · 13/11/2023 20:07

How am I toxic here? I was just casually video calling to chit chat. He declined it twice so I asked. One lie after another I could sense...

OP posts:

Original poster

SayItt · 13/11/2023 20:09

He loves me I know it... He takes care of me. I need advise on trust building... How to do this without compromising the truth?

OP posts:

LucyvanderPelt · 13/11/2023 20:11

You’ve just established that you can’t trust him. He lies to you. How can you build trust with someone untrustworthy? IMO you can’t. So you can either accept he’s a liar and continue your relationship with him, or end your relationship and find someone trustworthy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/11/2023 20:12

No you can’t trust him, as you know. He’s not the one OP. End it and move on.

DiverseButters · 13/11/2023 20:12

He was with his friends and there were some girls too.

So what? He was hanging out with other humans.

Do you always interrogate him like this?

MaliciaKeys · 13/11/2023 20:15

If you don’t trust him you can’t consider a lifetime with him.

Coyoacan · 13/11/2023 20:16

What a toxic relationship! Your jealousy is unhinged and if he is the reason you are like that, he is not the one for you

Humanswarm · 13/11/2023 20:16

He probably didn't want to tell you where he was as you'd clearly have an issue with it!
Unless you have real suspicions for valid reasons, which you haven't yet added on here then you need to work massively on your trust issues or you will lose him.

Original poster

SayItt · 13/11/2023 20:18

Okay I needed advise and not bashing. I never said that he can't hang out with friends. But why lie ? Do guys do this a lot? As a girlfriend I like to know what's up with my bf. Is it a crime to prefer to have information of what he's doing and what not? Is this the definition of interrogation?

OP posts:

findingmeeee · 13/11/2023 20:20

Bin him off. He's not trustworthy.

If you need to ask for things like this in a relationship you need to end it, trust me.

I forgave a cheat and stayed with him another seven years because I didn't have enough self respect to end things then. Don't be me.

Humanswarm · 13/11/2023 20:20

Do you usually question his whereabouts? If my DP declined my call I would assume he was busy and would call me back..I wouldn't go looking for a reason to be suspicious? So, yes you come across as insecure and risk losing him, unless of course you're going to dripfeed more info on why you don't trust him

GagaBinks · 13/11/2023 20:22

How old is everyone here?

MonsteraMama · 13/11/2023 20:22

Do you ask him to prove where he is a lot, then get pissed off if he's with friends/women/whatever?

As much as lying in a relationship is bad, if you have form for kicking off on him for spending time with friends, or interrogating him for proof of where he is, or expecting him to keep you constantly up to date on his whereabouts, then I'm not sure that the lying isn't just a symptom of a larger problem in your relationship.

Whatever the case this is a deeply unhealthy dynamic for both of you. A marriage here would be a disaster.

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