Anyone left a long marrage?

[Chocoholics1234]

I've been married for 25 years. He has always been the kindest loveliest person in the world. Just recently he's changed. I am constantly walking on egg shells. The slightest thing can set him off. I can ask him the most innocent question such as have you seen this or that and he erupts and goes crazy at me shouting so aggressively and scaring me and making me cry. A few days ago I commented I miss you in the evenings when you're working (he works nights). At that time it was true. And he went crazy and shouting so much. I don't know why he has started to be like this its always my fault always me. If I ask him to do a job I'm lazy. If I ask him where anything is I can't cope without him. He's become nasty. Constant telling me I'm useless and he gets the blame for everything round here. I spend all my time crying. What's come over him? He never used to be like this. And how do I leave such a long marriage? Ask him to leave? Do I leave? How does it work? I haven't a clue

Sounds like he's either having a mid life crisis or an affair!!

Do you think so? I just don't know what to do. If I'm honest when he shouts the way he does he scares me

I was with my ex for 23 years, married for 18. He was lovely for many years but turned quite nasty in the last 3 or 4 years. Tbh I think it was mental health issues with him, but he just blamed everything wrong in the world on me.
He left after a particularly nasty argument, and that was the end of that. My life is so much better now, I'm glad I don't live with that underlying resentment. He was sucking the life out of me.

Something has happened for him to completely change so quickly !! Has he a stressful job ? Could he be depressed maybe ? Something has changed for him to react to you this way.
Maybe stay with a relative for a few days, just to give you both some space....

I left my 30 year marriage in June 2022. 3 adult DDs.
Like you he was just nasty, constant bad moods and having to walk around on egg shells and being blamed for everything. Absolutely exhausting.
He was also an alcoholic though.
I can't offer advice on the actual leaving part, as he set fire to the house and got sent to prison, so I could do most of my untangling our lives while he was on remand and I had a LOT of support from the local DV team. Even though he had never hit me, the arson was considered violence, so I got help from them. If you feel scared of him, ask for help. Agencies recognise emotional abuse and coercive control behaviour. They will help you.

Practicalities were tough (it was a never ending admin treadmill) But emotionally I found it quite easy, I have felt emotionally single for years and years. I did all the life admin and all the housework. I even earned most of the money. I still do all of that but it is 100% easier as I don't have the cloud of gloom sitting on the sofa bitching and complaining about everything.

You're probably a similar age to me (53), just get out and everything will sort itself out. Life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage, no matter how long it has been. I've been living in temporary accommodation, but am moving into my house in two weeks, All mine, paid for by me. The feeling in indescribable.

Just to add, he always had a tendency for grumpiness and alcoholism runs in his family, but he only turned really nasty in the last 5-6 years.
He was depressed, and I did my best to help, but there comes a point where being depressed is not an excuse for being an arsehole.

There seems to be something about men at a certain age where they seem to look back at their life and probably forward as well and not like what they see. They seem to turn into this "what about me?" and " what about MY happiness?". I don't know whether it is they see their children grown, starting their own lives and they realise they maybe didn't get as much out of life as they thought they might. Male menopause? Who knows? However I do know that many of them start to blame the family - wife and children - for not being on their "team" and seem to look for fulfilment and feeling valued else where. My ex H had an affair after nearly 25 years of marriage and the blame for it all was me - I didn't like going out, I didn't ask him how his day had been etc - all a load of complete bollocks. He claimed that he had never been given something ever - let's say it was a birthday present ( too outing to say what it was really)- during our marriage. Our children looked at him as if he was mad! They knew the truth. As @Timetocheersme says they suck the life out of you and you don't realise it until they are gone. @Chocoholics1234 I would suggest you have talk with him and say that he doesn't seem to be happy and what would he like to happen. I know this is the talk we don't want to have as in some ways we are still fearful of the reality of it. Go from there ...Whatever you do, do not leave your house.

He's having an affair OP.

Do you have children, if so roughly how old are they and are they at home? Do you both work?

Yes 2 dc aged just turned 16 and 18 both still at home and school. He works full-time I have health issues and work part-time

Men seem to stay in relationships, even when they are unhappy unless they have somewhere else to go. So I'd say he isn't having an affair. But I'd guess he has 'gone off you'. Don't take this personally. It happens in long term relationships and it's no ones fault. And if it's anyone's fault it's his as men like this expect their partner - others, life in general - to deliver things to them, with them doing little or nothing in return. I'm not long out of a similar situation which went sour after only 10 years so you've done very well to keep a man like this happy for much longer. My DPex's father was very old school sexist (woman's place is in the home etc) and I read that men brought up in misogynistic homes often feel they have 'earned' their partner. So they equate hard work with reward, which is fair enough as it usually means they are successful high earners - until it comes to partners. We are just commodities and if they feel we no longer match the status they wish for themselves, we become an emotional burden on them. But they don't have the emotional intelligence to realise it's an issue with their own ego and self esteem, and instead take out their feelings of anger and resentment on the poor partner.

I don't think men like this can change. But it might be worth trying to talk to him - couples therapy maybe - to work out why he has turned nasty and if he can be persuaded to focus on the positives in your marriage, and commit to changing his behaviour.

Ultimately, you deserve to be happy. I walked on eggshells for years and the release and freedom not to have to do that anymore is absolutely priceless.

I could have written that!
Married for 23 years, mental health issues in the last 5-6 . He suffered from high anxiety but it was all my fault. Turned nasty , a disrespectful bully, and yes was seeing someone else towards the end (it transpired she didn't want him either).
I only dragged it on for our child, tried everything.
I never thought we were going to divorce.. but once he moved out, what a relief! No more walking on eggshells.
Life is so much better.

It's not uncommon to leave after a long marriage. Understandably it's hard leaving something that provided a sense of stability and safety but living in constant warlike atmosphere is incredibly stressful for one's body.

It does get so much better although initially it's one of the most painful things ever.

💓 @Timetocheersme

Sounds like he is having an affair. Getting angry at you for saying that you missed him is extremely unusual within a secure marriage, but completely common when there is another party involved. When a person is cheating, they compartmentalise their spouse and the other person they are cheating with. When certain things happen to threaten that compartmentalisation - like you telling him you miss him - they suffer cognitive dissonance. They cannot cope with the confusion, so they lash out angrily.
It sounds like the person 'you' has been re-written in his compartmentalised brain as some new 'you', which is a fabrication, a stereotype, and probably a kind of cipher person.
He needs to be shocked out of this but if you confront him about a possible affair, how is he likely to react? Would he become violent?

You don't know that for certain. It is possible, even probable, but you shouldn't state it categorically.

With such a change in personality, I think a medical check up is in order first and foremost. It doesn't sound like it would be easy for you to communicate that to him though.

None of us know anything for certain. It was a suggestion to OP. There's almost a thread a day on MN with exactly similar script along the lines that in the last week/few months/year, men suddenly start treating the wife/ partner appallingly. I'm not the first to think it or even suggest it.Better for OP to give this some consideration that believe it is all down to mental health.

My dh has been the kind lovely man I know and love today. We talked and said I'm sorry for how he's been. He says he feels angry and frustrated because he can't find things and is always losing things. This is true he is always leaving things at work, losing things wallets, phone and keys. You name it. Or he thinks he's left something at work but turns out he's found it at home. The other day he went crazy looking for our car and house keys. Blamed everyone. Shouted at us. He eventually found the keys on the oven of all places! We couldn't believe it. I said.tp him today do you think its anything to worry about and he said no I can still remember directions. He's a lorry driver. I feel I have had my dh back today though

Im glad you are ok, mine is cold, gumpy and unaffectionate and at the moment and we wont talk to me, when I say anything to him about this he puts in back on me saying how unhappy he has been/is. Id love to have my old husband back. Im at my wits end

If this behaviour is new there could be other reasons, is he now finding his job more exhausting and so tired and getting forgetful and then frustrated. Have you thought about a memory test? It could be a midlife moment or an affair but could be something medical or depression.

Sounds like stress. We are are short on patience when we're stressed. Glad you have talked and made progress. That is gold. Very few long term partners can actually do that.

It sounds like he needs a trip to the GP. Sorry to worry you but I'd be wondering about dementia or some other medical condition based on your last post.

It's good that you've talked but please do get him to see a doctor. Especially if he is a truck driver, if this is a sign of something underlying he could be putting other people at risk.

Sorry, I posted too quickly and possibly was a bit blunt - not wanting to worry you at all and it may well just be stress causing him to lose things but if it's happening to the extent that it's affecting his mood this much it does seem worth investigating.