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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone left a long marrage?

45 replies

Chocoholics1234 · 13/11/2023 16:16

I've been married for 25 years. He has always been the kindest loveliest person in the world. Just recently he's changed. I am constantly walking on egg shells. The slightest thing can set him off. I can ask him the most innocent question such as have you seen this or that and he erupts and goes crazy at me shouting so aggressively and scaring me and making me cry. A few days ago I commented I miss you in the evenings when you're working (he works nights). At that time it was true. And he went crazy and shouting so much. I don't know why he has started to be like this its always my fault always me. If I ask him to do a job I'm lazy. If I ask him where anything is I can't cope without him. He's become nasty. Constant telling me I'm useless and he gets the blame for everything round here. I spend all my time crying. What's come over him? He never used to be like this. And how do I leave such a long marriage? Ask him to leave? Do I leave? How does it work? I haven't a clue

OP posts:

gofullpelt · 14/11/2023 18:29

How old is he? Wonder if it's worth him getting a health check up, could it be early stage dementia?

Original poster

Chocoholics1234 · 14/11/2023 20:17

gofullpelt · 14/11/2023 18:29

How old is he? Wonder if it's worth him getting a health check up, could it be early stage dementia?

He's 53

OP posts:

Charlingspont · 14/11/2023 20:29

I too think he should see the GP. Depression can cause people to get snappy with others, so it could be that. But the forgetfulness could be stress - is he taking a lot of his shoulders right now? Juggling too many balls? Equally could be very early signs of dementia - which can be slowed dramatically if caught early.

So get him to the doctor's.

Seaoftroubles · 14/11/2023 20:33

It's great that you've had an honest talk OP and that you're feeling happier. I would definitely suggest he sees his G.P for a check up: blood pressure, cholesterol and basic bloods. It could be stress or anxiety, or just a bit of midlife low mood, but best to be sure.

Dery · 14/11/2023 20:34

I agree with PP - he should check in with the GP. It is most likely stress but certain health conditions can cause personality changes also and if the explanation is medical it would be good to get treatment under way sooner rather than later.

whiteshutters · 14/11/2023 20:40

@Chocoholics1234 well that was a massive dripfeed!

TitanicWasAGreatMovie · 14/11/2023 20:43

Has he ever played rugby or high impact sports? If he has some dementia type symptoms at only 53 it could be due to something along those lines.

cassiatwenty · 14/11/2023 20:48

OP, pleased to read that you feel like you got your DH back

Original poster

Chocoholics1234 · 14/11/2023 20:54

cassiatwenty · 14/11/2023 20:48

OP, pleased to read that you feel like you got your DH back

Only today. That's the problem his moods are so unpredictable and volatile. He's like a volcanic that can erupt at any time and I can't really predict what will set him off. He was great today. Might not be tomorrow

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocoholics1234 · 14/11/2023 20:54

whiteshutters · 14/11/2023 20:40

@Chocoholics1234 well that was a massive dripfeed!

What was?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocoholics1234 · 14/11/2023 20:58

Seaoftroubles · 14/11/2023 20:33

He has diabetes type 2 so has regular blood tests anyway. I will tried to persuade him but I don't think he will. He's always been reluctant to go to the doctors

OP posts:

Crazykatie · 14/11/2023 21:16

After 35 yrs married I was 59, kids had all left home he was a workaholic, we grew apart, he had no interest in what I wanted to do, we had not had sex for 10 yrs I’d had enough and left him. No one else involved on either side and no intention of getting involved with a man again, then a man I knew socially asked name for a date. It was dinner but I reversed that and we went to the theatre, several more dates went well and I moved in 3 months later, you never know what the future will bring!.

ThelmaBorden · 14/11/2023 21:30

Mistyroad · 13/11/2023 20:47

Sounds like he's either having a mid life crisis or an affair!!

or both

Seaoftroubles · 14/11/2023 21:59

@Chocoholics1234 Please do your best to get him to see the GP, even if just for a chat.The forgetfulness and the mood swings are concerning and need to be taken seriously.

whiteshutters · 14/11/2023 22:57

Chocoholics1234 · 14/11/2023 16:02

My dh has been the kind lovely man I know and love today. We talked and said I'm sorry for how he's been. He says he feels angry and frustrated because he can't find things and is always losing things. This is true he is always leaving things at work, losing things wallets, phone and keys. You name it. Or he thinks he's left something at work but turns out he's found it at home. The other day he went crazy looking for our car and house keys. Blamed everyone. Shouted at us. He eventually found the keys on the oven of all places! We couldn't believe it. I said.tp him today do you think its anything to worry about and he said no I can still remember directions. He's a lorry driver. I feel I have had my dh back today though

This was...totally different from your OP.

Worriedaboutleaving · 14/11/2023 23:40

I hate to say this - but I think he should have a medical checkup to rule out a brain tumour - and if it is one it could absolutely be benign.

Original poster

Chocoholics1234 · 15/11/2023 07:24

Worriedaboutleaving · 14/11/2023 23:40

I hate to say this - but I think he should have a medical checkup to rule out a brain tumour - and if it is one it could absolutely be benign.

Isn't that a big leap?

OP posts:

stealthninjamum · 15/11/2023 08:22

When you had the conversation about him losing things did he apologise to you? Does he know how awful he is to live with? If he can’t admit how awful he makes you feel then there isn’t much hope. Does he just snap at you or does he also snap at dc? It can’t be nice for them to live like this either.

I would say your first stage is to be practical. See a lawyer, make sure you have important papers - bank statements, marriage certificate etc, work out a plan for your life if you leave. You should try to get him to see a doctor but if he is unwilling it isn’t fair to your mental health, no one should have to walk on eggshells.

Sloth66 · 15/11/2023 08:43

Hope your move goes well, and all the best for your new happier life

Original poster

Chocoholics1234 · 15/11/2023 11:14

stealthninjamum · 15/11/2023 08:22

He did. Its not just him losing things though even though that's a big part of it. As I said in my original post if I just happen to mention even in passing have you seen this or that he goes totally crazy and ott. Shouting at the top if his voice, saying how useless I am how I can't cope with life and I'm an idiot all the while tipping things out leaving a mess in his wake and getting so angry. Then he will say I'm going out for half an hour I'm not speaking to you. When I ask why he replies I don't have to speak to you. He does apologise eventually once he's calmed down but I'm tired of walking on egg shells

OP posts:

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