How soon before sex?

[LucyvanderPelt]

If you’re dating and looking to have a serious relationship, how long do you wait before having sex? Do you have any rules or is it purely dependent on the person you’re dating? Has waiting, or not waiting, has any impact on the outcome of a relationship? How long does it take you to get the measure of a man (as in, one who says he is interested in a relationship but is only looking for sex)?

I think for me, sex bonds me so that I would be more inclined to overlook pink flags, so I would benefit from waiting and getting to know them better first. I’m interested in others’ perspectives.

I would agree with you. I’ve had both types of relationships, ones that started with sex, and ones where there was maybe a 6-7 date wait.

I’d say the 2 guys that decided to wait longest before making a move (their choice, I probably would have liked some sooner 😋) cared about me and the potential relationship the most and the first time with them was really nice. With my BF, when I’m doubting things, I can never go ‘is he with me just for the sex’ cos he really got to know me before any sex, and we still have dates where we just chat and kiss sometimes. Both of those guys told me they waited because ‘they didn’t want me to think they were just after one thing’.

There’s no rights or wrongs really. Sometimes you just meet someone and the chemistry is insane. But if I would start dating someone new now, I’d probably want to get to know them properly and wait a month or 2. I need to feel comfortable to have sex, and I couldn’t build that kind of rapport and trust with a stranger that quickly.

That’s my perspective anyway.

There is no certainty that making them wait will process to a relationship, there are future fakers out there unfortunately. Just go with how you feel, don't be pressured, do they seem genuinely interested in you and planning dates rather than asking you around theirs, if they talk more about sex than getting to know you as a person is a giveaway. Find out about their past history, have they had long term relationships or lots of short lived ones, the latter means they just aren't the settling down type.

I would normally wait until a few dates and talk of being exclusive, as I wouldn't want to sleep with someone that could be sleeping with others.

Personally I need to have an emotional connection and a good background of friendship with someone beforehand.
I have had sex with someone without that and I only proved myself right.

I slept with my exH in the first date. We were together 14 years, 12 of those married. He was a decent guy, I just couldn't cope with his long term mental health issues in the end (that weren't there when we first met!)

I slept with current boyf on date 4 which was 5 weeks in. We've been together almost a year now.

Personally I like to heck fairly on whether the sex is any good. I don't want to get attached to someone who is selfish in bed!

Whenever you are ready!

All these rules and what not for dating and sex are utter bull. If the person is meant to be someone meaningful in your life they will be if you have sex in the first week or 6 months later. Also don’t think by making someone wait it shows they are interested in a long term thing, it doesn’t people ( men especially) will absolutely wait weeks/ months and still ghost you the day after.

What I would say is if you want a long term thing then anyone that starts with sex talk early on, bin them! Nobody wanting long term is trying to sex chat early on.

For what’s it’s worth I met my dh online, we had sex 3 weeks later ( 4th date) been together 10 years and got 2 dc now.

I usually have it early in, by the second/third date. I realize that if the sex isn't good for some reason I can never fully form an emotional connection with them.

I’ve always had sex as soon as I felt like it and have never had any ‘rules’. With anyone I’ve seriously liked this has been pretty much immediately and has always worked out fine for me.

To be fair this was when I was younger (late 30s now) so haven’t been dating for about 5 years.

I had come to the conclusion around then that the energy involved in even the most casual of trysts was more hassle than it was worth (obviously even someone you’re not that into you get attached to if you’re shagging them all the time) and I was essentially cock blocking myself from meeting more interesting people for the sake of having regular sex with people I wasn’t that bothered about.

I’ve met someone before who wanted to wait and be friends for a bit before having sex, and I lost interest. But to be fair if I’d been more into them I’d probably have waited, so I guess that was the point. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Matthew Hussey the dating coach has very good advice on this subject.

I have a very high sex drive so I'd go for the classic 3rd date is the right time for me.

@Startyabastard Could you tell me a little about what he says? I’ll look him up but I know he has lots of videos/posts etc so I think it’ll take me a while to find what he says on the subject specifically.

I always just had sex when it felt natural. With my DH though I wasn't rushing it as I wanted to build a mental connection with him and see where that takes us.

I've been with my partner for nearly 8 years and we had sex within 40 minutes of meeting.

I come from the position (ha) that it's better to crack on and have sex early as that way in the nicest possible way you don't have the inhibitions e.g. of yourself and them in the context of your job life kids etc and you're just free to go mad and ask for x or y...

If the sex is great + you click then great! you've got a brilliantly honest sex life as well as a lovely relationship hopefully. If one or neither works well at least you know...

When I was online dating the more I got to know someone the weirder it was to suddenly turn into a tiger in the bedroom. I'd be thinking he's met my mum or whatever I can't suggest that ... Also I'd hate to really click with someone and then find out we weren't sexually compatible. In the past that's meant years of no sex or crap sex. It depends on where you're coming from if course and everyone is different.

There’s no right or wrong answer. I’m s slow burn when it comes to getting into a relationship and I need time for a connection to build before I can think about sex with someone.

It’s been a few years since I met anyone but my previous relationships it was usually about 4/6 weeks.

But it’s a very personal thing and you do what feels right for you.

Either way hasn't faired any better at times. Its more about the person you happen to find, rather than the timing of sex.
Sometimes you don't see things any better even if you take the time, or you still can be with someone who is saying what they think you want to hear. Having said that, I'd recommend having dates doing different things. Mix up daytime dates with evening dates. I had about 12 dates over a couple of months with someone - a record. Was more unsure and nervous by the time it happened- I may have ignored an inner voice still - after all, if wanting to wait, aren't they more likely genuine? Nope, totally hoodwinked, that one dragged on for 7 months and was filled with lots of lies and it turned out I had him pegged from the start, so asked and checked and he made out he wasn't how I suspected, but proved he totally was in the end.
Looking back, I could see that there were clues, in the daytime meets, or longer meets, whereas most most happened in the evening, usually involving some alcohol. Not so easy to talk to when he was sober - unlike previous 2 BF's who had been virtually tee-total.
So get an all round view and meet at different times, with and without alcohol - some need it to communicate better, some are worse with behaviour when drinking. Overall, be wary of anyone whose personality changes a lot with alcohol intake, for good or worse, they may have issues with it.

I met my oh in Tinder 10 YEARS ago, we waited about 3 months

If I liked someone I just couldn't 😆😅

I would just go with my instincts a good guy is a good guy it won't make any difference how soon you have sex with him.

@Opentooffers thank you, this is really interesting and helpful. Could you please tell me what clues you saw in the man you’ve mentioned?

I suppose there is a lot of “trusting one’s gut” which can be difficult in the first flush of romance.

I generally prefer to take things slow and get to know one another and also wait for her to be ready and comfortable, not feel pressured or think that's all I'm after.

Most recently I’ve gone for third date. But had been chatting lots for a month. Been together for 3 months now.

This is different for everyone and you can only go with what feels right and trust your instincts, either way that goes, what feels right for you is important.

Personally, I have always been a 'try before you buy' kind of person 😂! I am a big believer in sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility - finding out sooner rather than later is a bonus for me.

I do however have a really good track record of being a very good judge of character and can often smell a (love) rat from a mile away, so this does help. If you tend to be the kind of person who has a difficult time seeing people's red flags, or if it tends to take you a lot longer to get the measure of someone, or you have a habit of falling for the wrong people, then of course it makes sense to wait a little longer until you feel comfortable enough that the person is decent.

Both my 2 long term relationships have started with sex on the first meeting/first date. My first lasted 8 years. My current relationship (marriage) is going strong at almost 10 years.

How I look at it is - I love sex and it's a big part of a relationship for me. If someone isn't compatible in bed with me, then I'd rather know sooner rather than later. I don't have any issues with separating love and emotion from sex, so again, if you are someone who struggles having sex with someone you don't have an emotional connection with, or if you're someone who tends to get a strong connection to someone following sex, regardless of if they are a good person or not, then obviously, this way of looking at it wouldn't be for you.

Ultimately, only you know when the right time is and stick with your gut on this. Your gut is vital here.

Feel very much the same and could have written this myself word for word!

3rd date though I would have sooner if opportunity presented itself. When its right you know!

First date, though had been chatting with him for about 5 weeks online - normally I wouldn’t have waited that long but we both had a unique set of weekend circumstances at the time (50th wedding anniversaries, weddings, friend’s 40th birthdays and the like). When we finally met for a drink it was like sitting with a magnet. It was so powerful. Still together 9 years later and he’s still wonderful - a proper grade A quality man.

It really depends, I totally agree with @Spacemoon . I slept with DH on the first date and we've been together for 12 years. Sexual chemistry and sex are really important to me. I love that feeling when you meet someone new and want to rip their clothes off, I want to feel that way about someone and I want them to feel that way about me too, I don't think I'd be able to wait a long time for sex. As a previous poster said, I can separate love and sex and not get hurt. I think I'm a good judge of character and if I get a sense from a guy that they're just after sex then I tend to knock it on the head. I have waited until the 5th/6th date before and it was really disappointing - one guy was super nervous/lacked confidence and couldn't perform, took viagra and nothing happened. It was awful and I didn't see him again after that. I felt like I wasted 6 weeks when we weren't sexually compatible. I think you have to go with your gut feeling.